[739] Night Drive

Hi, thanks for submitting! It's always a nerve-wracking thing to do. I'll try and address the things you asked for feedback on:

1) Is it akwardly phrased / does it flow?

No, it doesn't flow, to the extent that there's a touch of the shaggy dog story about it - it goes on, but nothing happens.

Opening paragraph we have this wrenching vignette about these characters' strained relationship, but that is not further explored, let alone brought to some sort of head. In lieu, more things are piled on top - Jacob's limp, the narrator's school. But you don't draw a narrative thread through them. A thing happens, then another thing happens, then another thing happens - it's just a list of things happening.

2) Is the dialogue awkward?

Jacob says all of three words, in three one-word answers, so he's certainly akward, but he's supposed to be. In regards to the narrator who does the rest of the talking, it's pretty dull. Here's an example:

“I used to come here,” I tell him, “When I was in highschool. I used to leave early or when I felt ugly, I would come here and sit under the trees.”

“You should see it where I used to go.”

This is a profoundly functional description of some things which happened. It's unemotive, I get no sense of the narrator's feelings around these events, or in their recollection of it - or in the relating of it to Jacob is. I have no idea what the narrator is feeling, or what I'm meant to feel. The repetition of 'used' is particularly stilted.

This exchange also stuck out to me:

“I had a dream I came back here.” I tell Jacob. He is lagging. “There were too many stairs and too many classes and I was lost. It was full of students and I was lost looking for my class. I couldn’t find it.”

Jacob makes a grunting noise.

You have captured just how fucking boring it is to hear other peoples' dreams. Again, it illustrates my complaint from above - unemotive. I get from context that this is an unpleasant, anxious dream, but this isn't explored in the text. I get that Jacob doesn't really give a shit. Does the narrator give a shit that Jacob doesn't give a shit? You're writing this in first person, tell me what people are thinking, feeling!

3) Character dynamics, Is the plot believable?

Jacob doesn't have a character. He has a limp instead of a personality. The narrator has made Jacob drive them to a park, climb a hill, break into a school and listen to a school dream, and Jacob only musters terse one-word responses! I would have called it quits after the hill. I'm led to expect, after the first paragraph, that this is a story about their relationship, and what I come away with is that Jacob must be very forebearing and the narrator is kind of a jerk to be making Jacob break the law with that gammy leg of his.

So, no, it's not a very believable scenario, but who cares, it's fiction. Make me believe it. I want to feel what's going on with their pair and their relationship in this place and why it's relevant to me.

4) Trying too hard?

I've read (and written, mea culpa) some pretty edgy tryhard stuff. No, I think what you have written is earnest, just unpracticed.

You write a lot about what the character does and what they can see - it's very visual, to the exclusion of all else almost. What I want is not just sounds and smells, but what those sensations evoke, what the narrator felt then and feels now, what they think Jacob is thinking about - inner life!

First Impressions
I'm not entirely sure what to think of this story. I'm not sure if it's meant to be a slice of life, or a way to express the writer's own feelings, or purely a writing exercise. It evokes sadness, but a pathetic sadness like how the main character feels. It seems to be the short story of somebody who hates themselves and their life. Somebody who is in a relationship but feels they aren't loved and even don't deserve to be loved.

The narrative has pathos and I can believe that I am seeing things from this character's perspective. I don't like the character of Jacob, and everything to do with him serves to weaken the story. She thinks he doesn't love her and despises her, yet he willingly takes her on a long, night-time drive because she asked. He puts a hand on her thigh, something I do with my own girlfriend because I like to feel her. Yet, he doesn't seem to want to be with her, barely acknowledging her recollections, and not wanting to be there at all.

I feel he's a poorly written character. His motivations are confusing; at first, I think it's just in her head but by his words (or lack thereof) and actions, I think, okay, he's a dick. I don't understand why he has a limp. I know that's probably not supposed to be a big thing, but your story is 739 words long, so anything you include in this story is probably for good reason. I just don't understand it. It doesn't mean anything and it doesn't add anything. This random, specific detail is what makes me think this is a personal story with real, specific people in mind. The limp is distracting.

With my first reading, I thought she was leading him into some sort of sadistic ritual. A place where she lures men or other people to murder them. It's why I thought she was getting more excited the closer they got. Almost like the anticipation of what was coming was conquering her own self-loathing and doubts, and she was about to release everything into one moment of energy and cathartic release. Instead, the story and the energy kind of peters out, and we're back to where she was at the beginning--nothing has changed.

That is ultimately why I didn't really get anything out of this story. There's no metaphor here, no thought posed to the reader, or dilemma that the character faces. She's simply a pathetic individual who dares not think otherwise.

A closer look
There are a couple of poignant lines in this.

He places his hand on my thigh, as if trying, despite his distaste, to get something out of this.

A good line that describes how the MC perceives the world around her. Anything positive that may be thrust toward her is soured by her own perspective.

“I used to have friends here,” I say softly. He turns to me, incredulous.
“You had friends?”

Another line that, from another perspective, might have been an innocent enough comment, but through the MC's perspective is a deep-cutting judgment.

There are other lines that don't quite work that well.

I am a ghost. I am stuck and it will never get better, not until it passes.

Not until what passes? To me, this is the most frustrating line in the entire story, and it ruins the entire story for me. On my first read, I think, okay, there's something that's happening and she's waiting for it to pass. I trusted you to deliver on a promise that you made me, but you broke that promise. You made a promise to me that there was a reason or a tangible thing that was affecting the main character. It could be something physical, or mental, or emotional, or psychological. It could be a trauma, or her current relationship, or how she views the world. But you don't ever go back to this. There's no sign of hope, no thinking of "this will soon pass," nothing. The first lines are so important, and this line is a detriment to the entire story. It gives just this little sliver of hope like there's a chance she can break from this depression and self-loathing, but it never refers to it again.

This line is indicative of a novice writer, somebody who writes but does not value the meaning and power of a word, especially in such a short story.

The park is nostalgic to the MC. She promptly leads Jacob to her old school, shows him where she used to go, what her old environment used to be. Yet, there's no mention of how the MC feels as she wanders the empty, dark rooms of her school. In the end, she reflects that, even in school, her "friend" turns out to not be much of a friend at all. So did she have a terribly lonely time at school? Why would she want to revisit that? She says she used to have friends, but not really if we're to believe the ending.

The school is largely out of accordance with the rest of the story. The park is nostalgic, and it brings up feelings of enthusiasm, of a time she used to feel something different than pathetic self-loathing. But the school... there's nothing there. Like Jacob, it's simply a tool for you to lean on as you wrote this story. Something you can have your character doing, or interacting with because the alternative is more difficult.

Character
Amongst other things, she seems to have body image issues. This confuses me because she's apparently wearing short shorts. She took the time to apply makeup to her legs. This doesn't scream insecure to me, and it seems like a woman who is conscious of their body and works with what they have. A character who is as insecure as this probably wouldn't be wearing short shorts. Somebody who believes any beautiful garment they touch turns ugly would not be dressed this way. This is another element of inconsistency that speaks loud because of the brevity of this story. The fewer words there are, the more obvious inconsistencies stand out.

It's clear, in the beginning, that she has depression or severe body-image issues. As the story progress, we see a light, as if she's coming out of herself. But Jacob and the school are like wet blankets that smother your narrative, your tone. In the end, she's regressed back to where she was. Pathetic and wishing she wasn't in her own body. A ghost.

Jacob... I just don't like anything to do with this character. This story could be just the MC, alone, and it would not be any lesser for it. The MC is her own worst enemy, so Jacob is this weird, in-between character who's sort of the bad guy, but maybe also sort of stuck in a relationship with someone who is self-loathing and miserable to be around.

I find it difficult to feel anything emotionally for either of these characters.

Author Questions

Is it awkwardly phrased/does it sort of flow

It does flow. It's not clunky or anything. Your prose is decent.

Is the dialogue awkward?

Not awkward, just annoying. It's boring. I feel like it doesn't actually serve any purpose. Most of the dialogue serves to force Jacob into the story, and I already don't like Jacob.

Is the whole dynamic of the characters and the plot believable? Does it make sense or does it need more context?

It makes sense in that I'm not confused by it. If you have some deep or hidden meaning in this story, I don't see it. There is no plot, and the dynamic of the characters does not work for me because I just don't like Jacob and how he is written.

Does it come across as kind of trying too hard, too 'intimate' with the details etc?

It's intimate, but it's a first-person perspective, so I'm not sure I know what you are asking. I do feel like she could be a real person, and she's believable. But the other areas I have problems with above overall detract from this element.

Closing Thoughts

I actually have to go. If you have any questions, please let me know, I'll answer whatever you have. Keep writing.

Is it awkwardly phrased/does it sort of flow

To my eye, there is some awkward phrasing here.

For instance: "he stares and turns away." These are opposing actions linked by and meaning they should be happening simultaneously. He stares then turns away is what you want to convey.

Some other examples of phrasing that seem awkward or ungrammatical to me:

"I can’t help but feel devoid of magic in these moments" - devoid of magic rings harshly on my ear

"I try to keep from gulping too loudly, or stomach churning" - The syntactic parallelism here doesn't work. It links off of the word from which means that the two separate thoughts would be "I try to keep from gulping too loudly" and "I try to keep from stomach churning." The latter is grammatically odd.

"I take him through the oval and the grass is wet." - This one really kind of jumped out at me. I'm not sure what oval is meant here, and the grass being wet is very logically disjunctive from going through the oval. As a single thought, it's bringing together two very disparate ideas, I think unsuccessfully. It sounds poetic in a sense, but comes out of nowhere. It's also extremely Freudian, which I don't glean was the intention, so there's that.

"It seems fake to see it." - Saying it twice here makes the referent slightly unclear. Is it the grass or the sky that seems fake? I also think it's a bit tell-y when trying to convey a sense of surreality or disbelief. What about it feels fake? And why?

Is the dialogue awkward?

I don't think it's so much awkward as it is...meandering? There's a Hemingway-esque quality to the lack interest in Jacob's dialogue, but it's unclear why he's being so terse in his responses. Sexually frustrated, sure, but there's not much depth to their interaction beyond that. He doesn't really say anything to give us his state of mind.

The narrator...is a literal ghost? Unclear, but not sure if that matters. There is a strong, strong focus on reminiscence (the phrase I used to is used 5 times by the narrator) which leads me to believe this is the case. Still, there's a sense of disconnectedness about the narrator's dialogue, a searching for connection with Jacob which does lend some dramatic tension when juxtaposed to his lack of interest -- but it feels a bit purposeless. Her dialogue feels like the readings of someone's journal: here are the things I remember, here is what I used to do. I do feel the effect of the story is that these are supposed to be lackluster memories about a wasted/unlived life, but as dialogue it falls somewhat flat for me. It feels like the narrator is talking to herself, not to Jacob.

Is the whole dynamic of the characters and the plot believable? Does it make sense or does it need more context?

Well, I'm not sure there's much plot to speak of. Things happen, they go to a place together, there is sexual frustration, there is Jacob's unexplained simmering anger, but it all seems somewhat purposeless. It's unclear to me why the things that are happening are happening. I think more context is definitely needed.

Does it come across as kind of trying too hard, too 'intimate' with the details etc?

I don't think it's trying too hard at all. The intimate details are what gives it life. I thought the first paragraph, minus the stylistic nitpicks above, was fairly strong -- there was a strong viewpoint, a well-stated problem (sexual/love frustration), tension between the characters -- but then they arrive at the destination and it's like the story pulls back and becomes somewhat abstract and remote. I think there's too much currently off the page for this piece that needs to be brought in. If anything, it could stand to be a bit try-hardier.

I'll just give my general impressions of the story first before answering the questions one by one.

General impression

I think it's fairly clear you're writing this story from the point of view of a depressed female teenager. Throughout the story, I'm not really sure what the relationship between her and Jacob is. I took the impression that she's in a toxic relationship with Jacob and it's like she blames herself for not being able to impress him or put a smile on his face. I think the premise of your story is intriguing. I found myself finishing the story and thinking "how could this story be 739 words?", it honestly seemed to be significantly shorter than that when I was reading :P. I think the frequent uses of commas did this for me.

1. Is it awkwardly phrased/does it sort of flow?

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In terms of flow, a lot of the story seems sort of stagnant to me, like nothing much is really going on. In the first paragraph, I feel as though there isn't much exploration in terms of the depressing experiences of the main character. We as the audience know she is depressed, and a factor that plays a part in this is her boyfriend Jacob. So what I think could improve your story is by exploring this relationship between them more, which you could achieve through flashbacks.

There is a few bits of awkward phrasing throughout the piece and I'll provide some examples,

"We arrive at our destination, a park I told him I wanted to see."

This sounds awkward to me. It would just be better to say that they've arrived at the park and that she wants Jacob to see it.

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"he follows, slowly, bored with me."

The "bored with me" part isn't working for me here. You could replace this with a metaphor, she might feel that she's just dragging him along like a slave and seeing this indifference on his face just feeds into her depression.

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2. Is the dialogue awkward?

Yes, the dialogue is awkward, mostly because Jacob doesn't say anything. It's like she's just there talking to herself. I think Jacob is a weak point of the story, and here's why. If you took him out of the story, I don't think there's much of a difference. He doesn't really have much of a purpose in this story, so create one for him in your first paragraph! Also, there's no sense of what the main character is feeling between her dialogue with Jacob. I mean, if someone is unresponsive to everything you're saying, surely you're going to be thinking something's not right here. I know that this is a toxic relationship, so maybe the main character just isn't bothered to get something out of this, perhaps. But if this is the case, then have the main character express this! There isn't much expression of her feelings throughout the entire story. It's just things happening in every sentence without seeing what she feels and is thinking.

Here's an example:

"Jacob makes a grunting noise. As we pass to a nook in the corridor with a table and chairs, I sit down." - We get no sense of what she's feeling in this current moment. I do not know if she's feeling deflated or somewhat excited here. It's also weird to me she doesn't address Jacob's rudeness at all and just continues to talk.

Looking at other critiques, I disagree with FrostRock101 when they said: You have captured just how fucking boring it is to hear other peoples' dreams.

But isn't that the point? Isn't it the point that her dreams seem boring to us and to Jacob and that's why she is a pathetic and depressed character? I mean the dream itself is pretty uninspiring and boring which I think adds to her pathetic and depressing nature.

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3, Is the whole dynamic of the characters and the plot believable? Does it make sense or does it need more context?

I think I've been talking about this a far bit in the above posts.

Yes, it would be great if you could add more context about the relationship between Jacob and the main character at the beginning, give us flashbacks of their good times, or the first time they saw each other, their first fight maybe. A flashback of when things went toxic.

I said before that the dynamic is weird just because Jacob just doesn't do much for the story, doesn't really add another dimension to the story when it really should.

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4. Does it come across as kind of trying too hard, too 'intimate' with the details etc?

I don't think it's trying to hard. I think it's good to be "intimate" with details, and I think you could do this by adding more to how the main character feels throughout the story. It would add another layer to the story and make her seem a lot more interesting.

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So main tips are to give more personality to the main character, what she feels. Give Jacob a purpose in this story, have him say things.

Give context on their relationship, provide context on her depression. This can be achieved through flashbacks,

Hope this helps.

1. I found the sentence structuring to be rather sticky, with the flow being hindered by the repetition. At the initial stage of the novel (para 1) there was only one instance or so and it proved to emphasize the point ("but not on me") but it fell flat as there was a continuous repetition of this style ("The whole thing pathetic, now that I remember it. We enter his car and I slump down in my seat. Just pathetic, my whole life, "There were too many stairs and too many classes and I was lost. It was full of students and I was lost looking for my class", “See, the school is just up here. I used to go here.”)--there is a lot more in the story. Easing on the use of repetition can go a long way to smooth the flow and using it only to highlight the emotions at crucial points of the story. There was little else I found wrong other than these sentences which seemed oddly detached and the secondary sentence unnecessary. ("During the daytime, the grass is electric, too bright and so is the sky. It seems fake to see it.") I believe it would be a lot smoother if you were to combine certain sentences like this to reflect the character's view. *side note: The "magic" mentioned in the first paragraph needs to be more clearly stated so that the readers can grasp the sense of what was missing at the moment.
2. Dialogue seems to be a little awkward but I would say that it highlights the mood/tension between the two characters. Though I wasn't able to gauge the dialogue properly due to the lack of exchange between them (since this is appropriate regarding the situation, I would say it's a pass) The phrasing could use a little working. (common tip: Try reading aloud the dialogue to see if it comes naturally)
3. Ok here is my interpretation of this story, see if it is what you expected-- The protagonist is in an uncomfortable relationship? with Jacob (that wasn't clear) who is described as a boy who prefers women with "certain" attributes from the POV of the protagonist, who is in despair because she herself is unable to match those qualities. She is also highly self-conscious about her appearance and constantly criticizes looks. The setting shifts initially from the awkward car ride to the park (recounting her time spent there) which is adjacent to the school which she had dreams, through the next following events of the story she reiterates the fact that Jacob acts distastefully towards her, which is highlighted by the reply "you had friends? The protagonist's pitiful state was brought to more clarity by introducing the instance of her friend Clara-- This much I was able to interpret from the story and I believe your intent was shown clearly through the interaction between Jacob and the protagonist.
4. If you are referring to her physical description then I would say that is fine but more details regarding the setting in the park could be stated to give a better view of the place. I agree that extreme details are not necessary but more could be told about the journey back from the classroom to the car and describe the emotions that she was feeling. I think it was the perfect (missed) opportunity to display the emotions she had on the way back to the car in more detail other than what she was thinking, like through actions. i.e. "My feet slipped, missing a step and the edge grazed my ankle. I looked up hoping to find concern in Jacob's eyes but... there were none. As we trudged back to the car the pain had multiplied severalfold and now a part of it belongs to my heart." the slipping indicates her emotional state of distress and uncertainty.

Overall it was a really good story but it seems to lack a potential hook to grasp the attention of the reader. Though the journey through the lens of the protagonist did manage to reflect her emotion adequately. Hope the critique was helpful :)

I actually loved this story a lot. I felt that this story was completely original and not just a copied repeat of a different story with slightly different prose. I felt that you actually completed this story instead of leaving it only partially cooked. Like you maximized the entire thing. Maybe a few grammar issues at most but its pretty much maximized unless I'm forgetting something. If you reply could you please give me an idea of how you would improve on this story? Everything is pretty much perfect. I think the next step for you is to actually challenge yourself with creating a more interesting story or making it more exotic.