Thanks for actually reading the whole thing! Structure issues are always so hard to put into words, I hope it made a little sense :) Of course, fixing structure issues can suck,  (I've had my fair share of them..) but once you know its there, it comes way easier the next time around. Good luck on your novels!

Hi Maizly, just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read through everything and give me your thoughts. 

I'm kind of relieved, if I'm honest, to see your points on structure.  I'd had a feeling for a while that I was overstuffing sentences, but I wasn't 100% sure of that. I was attempting brevity and efficiency, but I think the end result was actually closer to overburdened and confusing. 

I only picked up writing again about a year ago, after a long hiatus. Judging by yours and Mx-Writers comments I think I've picked up some bad habits. The relief for me though, is now having seen then clearly pointed out I can hopefully try an tackle the problem. 

I'm glad the setting and the imagery I was going for shone through, in spite of the mangled sentence structure.  

I'll sit down an rework this, based on yours and Mx-Writer's comments and then look through my novels with the same lens. Undoubtedly these issues are being replicated there too. 

Thank you again for taking the time 

I'll just jump straight into it. 

WRITING: Starting with what you're asking for, my biggest issue is the lack of complete sentences. You have a lot, and I mean a lot of run on or incomplete sentences. Personally, I quite like your story as a writer, but as a reader, I would not continue reading if this continued to be an issue. There are some sentences purposefully written as run ons, but that's not actually what I mean. 

"The electronically created visage of a skeletal face, all pitch-black eyes sockets and alabaster bone, shimmering on his skin." This isn't actually a sentence. It's nice and all, good imagery, but there is not a noun doing something. It's basically a modifier without anything to be modified. When you read it out loud, you'll find yourself left hanging. The entire story is written in third person. So, without any third person verb in this sentence it just feels weird. You could literally just put "was" before the -ing verb and it would be a sentence. Ex: The electro

No problem. I'm sure you can get tons better, when you feel you've improved by a significant margin feel free to DM me so I can help see if their's anything else you could try working on.

Hi Mx-Writer. Just watned to say I really appreciate you taking the time to sit down with me in the google doc and go through your points. I think you've identified a lot of the same structural problems that Maizily has outlined. 

In terms of my overall goal of a 'health check' on my writing you've both clearly outlined where things are going wrong and given me a lot to work with. 

Thanks again for putting in all the effort.

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wJ2bT2Z-cLGEwKQq9QRXAsS-LetpSGZmjg119S4Z5W4/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wJ2bT2Z-cLGEwKQq9QRXAsS-LetpSGZmjg119S4Z5W4/edit?usp=sharing)  


Here's the doc me and the author used to discuss and critique some specific parts of the story. Feel free to check it, below is a short summary of my main gripes with this piece   


Confusing: A fair few lines can be confusing to read, which takes the reader out of the story and forces them to re-read that line again and again until they get idea of what it is.  
Here's a example  


"The Mark stumbled clear of the brothel’s back door." The previous sentence talks about a gun shot, The Mark in this sentence can potentially be confused with a way of referring to the bullet or something else entirely instead of a person. Personally on a first read I thought maybe it was a fancy way to describe the bullet barley missing the brothel's back door, but later on it becomes clear the mark is a pe

Hi there, thanks for taking the time to have a look.  Sorry for the slow reply, I didn't see I had more comments. 

A lot of your comments have reinforced what others have said has gone wrong which is helpful. Thanks for your vote of confidence on the parts you did like. I'm currently working on implementing everyone's suggestions. 

Thanks again for taking a look!

GENERAL REMARKS

The incomplete sentences don't bother me as much as it might potential agents. Overall I found the setting clear in all its filth, but the action ws sometimes muddy. The premise was interesting, the technology mostly smoothly introduced and the beginning and end tied in well together and ending with the same sentence, although the second time it’s loaded with another level of meaning. Everything in the story suggests its standalone piece, so I can’t really respond to the question, would I continue reading. I’m not very used to the genre or the logic of the genre, it would depend solely on the quality of the writing. I think your writing is fine, although sometimes a little bit wordy.

HOOK AND TITLE

>  It was a bad place to die.

The hook is good. The problem is I thought it was the narrator about to be killed until you introduced the Mark. I wonder if there’s a smoother way to write that part. A thing the hook does well is it lays out the setting clearly early on. Th

Hi Kaattar, thanks for taking the time to have a read through. 

Thanks for the vote of confidence in saying that you would continue reading. 

This is more of a short story that's spun off from a main novel, so there are supposed to be some unanswered questions. However I think your comments chime with what some of the others have said an that there are definitely some places that could do with some more clarity. 

I'm currently trying to internalise an implement all the help people have provided so thanks for taking the time to read an critique.

Overall

I think this worked as a good action opening. It's a good opening to Jaeger as a character and the world of these assassins. We get some of that sci-fi tech stuff, which is all great. I liked the electronic masks, for example. I do think you could add more information about the context of this particular assassination though. Who is the mark? Why was Jaeger hired to kill him? You don't need to give too many details, but more detail than you have now would be better I think. 

&#x200B;

Plot

I liked how much happens in this. There were clear beats and there's a clear progression from good to bad for Jaeger. In the end, we're left with a question of who the mysterious woman was. I think its great to end with a dangling question, especially early on. I think you just need to give more info around who the mark is and why he's being assassinated. Doesn't need to be anything complicated, but something to setup the conflict a little more and give your reader a better idea of the pla

  

Hi all, 

This is a short story, written in the same setting as a novel I currently have doing the rounds with agents, looking for representation. However, the bulk of my Beta-reading has been done by family and friends, so I’m concerned there are some underlying issues with my writing that are flying under the radar. 

I’ve written this therefore as a sort of health check, in terms of overall quality or overall flaws. Any advice or critique would be greatly appreciated. 

Critiques 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qmhhq4/1366\_the\_bureau\_of\_small\_town\_excellence/hjegto4/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qmhhq4/1366_the_bureau_of_small_town_excellence/hjegto4/?context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qlu7nv/953\_brackish\_water/hj6gmit/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qlu7nv/953_brackish_water/hj6gmit/?context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qipriw/2019\_unlit\_paths/hj69nlp/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qipriw/2019_unlit_paths/hj69nlp/?context=3)

Back Alley Blues 

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/18Ltrd\_jUC-CNAjpKor\_i2Yl-E7ii7cl1Gc7AGQ6hHAM/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/18Ltrd_jUC-CNAjpKor_i2Yl-E7ii7cl1Gc7AGQ6hHAM/edit?usp=sharing)

[1379] Back Alley Blues