Broken Bottle in the Grass

Thank you for sharing your poem with us.

I like the interaction between the internal and external landscape in your poem. Great impulse. I have to say, though…

I want to be the tongue of glass
that lay across the yard,
reflecting light into my eyes:

…the word “lay” is tripping me up. If the broken bottle is resting atop the yard in the present tense (as “reflecting” suggests) then the word “lie” is more appropriate as a literary/conventional choice. If this is a recollection of a past configuration of things, then “lie” is acceptable in that context but the change from present tense “want” to past tense “lay” to present tense “reflecting” is disorienting.

I love the imagery of this poem, the use of broken glass and its external surroundings, and how it ultimately reflects *or refracts* from the light and shade. Bravo.

Your first three lines set us up with a common meter, but then the fourth line breaks away into the longest line of the poem. This is our jagged revelation for the next three lines. The poem starts to return to order in line 7, almost but not quite circling back to the alternating 8-6-etc of the beginning. So the shape of the poem is also a jagged edge. Love it, Red.

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I'm less certain what the revelation actually is. The speaker wants to cut with its jagged edge, to compact the heaving dunes into something they can hold. Sorta brings to mind Blake's Auguries of Innocence (hold infinity in the palm of your hand). Interpretation will require more intellectual labor on my part, but I wonder if to compact is the right follow-through for something that is cutting? Let alone dunes. Now I think I've got it - my critiques are always so desultory I'm sorry - the speaker is coming from the shade. They don't know what the revelation is, but they're looking for it in something that's broken. The broken edge within the speaker will cleave through the shade and reveal a higher understanding? Good good.

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IMO the final three lines are the weakest. Angling oneself toward light is awkward imagistically, and so is a measure of light. But the big idea of this poem, the form, is well-wrought. Not too jagged like ^v^v^v^v.

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Really liking it Red!

Broken Bottle in the Grass

I want to be the tongue of glass
that lies across the yard,
reflecting light into my eyes:
to cut with the jagged edge of revelation
and compact the heaving dunes
into a surface no larger than my palm;
so I venture from the shade
and angle toward whatever light I see,
hoping that some measure
will reflect itself through me.

I don’t understand the speaker wanting to be something reflective as the poem becomes needlessly confusing,

“to cut with the jagged edge of revelation
and compact the heaving dunes
into a surface no larger than my palm” .

Thus the cue action is not understandable. Since the hint of a motive is articulated as an edge in the genitive of revelation, which is a fact made known by surprise, is the property in question sought for , for its property “to cut” “the heaving dunes” into something that can be compacted into a surface that fits in the hand or rather that is manageable. What these heaving dunes are or why we should care or why the speaker cares is never said.

The central metaphor of reflection is undermined by the infinitive to cut. Possible solutions: omit reflecting light to slicing light into my eyes, omit reflect itself with transfix itself so “through me” makes actual sense as that which reflects does not go through, but bounces back.

I still wrestle with the motive for the speaker in this lyric sentiment, so I advise, however succinctly, to explicate the motive for the wish which is to be that which cuts or reflects. As it stands the speakers is confused on the need for the wish. That is a revelation devoutly to be wish to know why .

I love this! It has a beautiful simplicity to it, a classic.

to cut with the edge of revelation

I feel the line's better if it's short enough to fit into the rhythm.

The first couplet, the last—both capture me.

I am very intrigued by this image, but I want your poem to tread more lightly on the earth. Get it up off the flat of the foot and onto its toes. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Look at a good bootstraps poem then cut some more. Risk a loss of clarity and a gain of mystery. Cut, cut, cut, cut. Then add a little back if you need to. Cut that out, too. You didn't need it.

This is a beautiful poem, OP.

and angle toward whatever light I see,
hoping that some measure
will reflect itself through me.

This is the beautiful imagery I love to see. Awesome way to link the narrator and the "tongue of glass."

Someone else already noted the tense discrepancy. I actually think the poem is concise in that it reads with easy to follow direction so cutting seems of little importance beyond simple pruning of a word here and there.

Personally, the poem exudes hopefulness and desire to be filled with light of happiness. Awesome job with this one and thank you for sharing with us.

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I love the imagery of this poem, the use of broken glass and its external surroundings, and how it ultimately reflects *or refracts* from the light and shade. Bravo.

Superb imagery of a broken glass!!

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