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r/OCPoetry•
austinlovespie

In Her Light

In Her Light

 

I remember you there;
my first memory of dusk,
you were watching grandpa
race me to the pond,
my steady-lacked legs
like sapling roots, you
were laughing with the old man
when they bent & buckled
my tiny body towards the mud
& when I cried, you nodded
when the old man said:
son, stop the waterworks;
you've got to learn to move.

 

I remember you there
when I stripped down
bare on the pier in dim light
then I jumped down into the lake
near your reflection in the water.
It must’ve been surreal to see
that same sapling-legged boy
now grown & exposed.
Were you shocked to see
his thick & sturdy legs?
I know you saw them quiver,
scared to show my body, skinny
dipping for the first time
in the company of girls.

 

I remember you there
before I could remember too—
my mom had once pulled out a shoebox
filled with her childhood hopes & dreams.
She had found a portrait of yours
she had stuffed in the back, one she
had painted as a sophomore, she said
you were gorgeous that night, you shone
your light on her belly filled with me;
she smiles when she says you were the brightest
she can remember you’d have ever been,
bright enough to paint your figure in the dusk,
bright enough to wake me up
to keep her company—
each kick like another
stroke of her brush.

 

Posted Dec 21, 2021, 7:45 PM UTC · edited

57
Humble_Visual7739•

Wow!!!!! So many beautiful imageries packed into one poem!!!

I like how you describe your relationship to the moon through specific memories of growing up, and I especially love the last few lines

"bright enough to wake me up to keep her company— each kick like another stroke of her brush."

Just perfect!!!!

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akledge•

(Extremely new to critique and poetry in general -- grains of salt etc.)

I really like this! I couldn't dissect the rhythm and flow of this formally, but I'll say it works well for me.

I definitely was thinking of a father before I read your comment; if you were trying to strongly convey the moon, you failed to me :P, although now I feel dumb for not seeing it. As you say, though, the ambiguity is very well done.

I found the third stanza a little jarring. It's very short -- I see it as a transition between the "memories" and the "stories", but since there's only one stanza on the stories perhaps you could merge it into that last stanza?

As well, I'm not really a fan of the "too" on the end; it feels awkward and I think it could be dropped. I also thought maybe

I remember hearing stories you were there

would be nicer, matching the other stanzas' "I remember" beginning, and giving a cool juxtaposition/contrast/I-don't-know-what-to-call-it with the end of the sentence:

I remember hearing stories you were there

before I could remember.

Idk, maybe that's too abstract compared to the rest of the poem.

In the fourth stanza:

She had found a portrait of yours

she had stuffed in the back, one she

Not sure about the repetition of "she had", here. Maybe just delete it entirely the second time?

you'd had

I think you meant "you had"? (Or "you'd" but that doesn't sit so well in the rhythm IMO.)

Is there a reason you used "&" instead of "and" everywhere?

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austinlovespieOP•

First I'd like to thank you so much for such a thoughtful response! You've definitely helped me in seeing some things through an outsider's POV and have motivated me to do a bit more editing/thinking over. Truly, not many comments are as detailed in their dissection, so it really means a lot to me that you took the time to do so!

Let me explain my logic for a few things and (if you're willing) maybe we can further refine this poem with those things in mind:

I went back and forth with the 'too' for awhile but, every time I read it aloud, it just seemed to have a better rhythm to it when included. I think it's because 'too' ends the line in a long vowel, which often gives me a transitionary feeling, like there's a continuance after the line, and is what I want that particular couplet to express as it's mostly for the purpose of setting up the next stanza. I may think it over some more, because I share some of your reservations.

The 'she had' was very intentional, so it's hard to cut for me. I tried to repeat the two simple words in a way that seemed natural and rhythmic, because the repetition also holds a minor thematic purpose: the emphasis of "she had" as in what my mother had before giving birth (hopes and dreams of her own). It's a bit of a subtle nod to all the things a parent gives up for their child. I thought repeating seemingly mundane language in a way that the reader was forced to recognize its presence and think on why the author would do such a thing was an interesting concept. I think the rhythm and form are reliant on it its presence as well.

The "you'd had" is really "you had had" which is (arguably) grammatically correct in the context. It's a really weird situation where (I don't know, but think) you could run with either, so I just err on the side of sound lol.

And the '&' is just an aesthetic choice really. A lot of what I've written as of late has leaned towards it over 'and' just because I like to have more control of my poem's form/line-length and 'and' is such a common word that saving the two extra characters with the use of '&' often gives me a bit more freedom when playing with line work, if that makes sense.

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austinlovespieOP•

Follow up: after giving it some thought, the "you'd had" is a bit awkward. I've taken your note, and decided to change it to "you'd have." Now it could be read as "you would have ever been" which I think is a bit sweeter, a bit more heavy.

I've also thought more about your comment on the "I've heard stories" and I think you may be on to something. I've changed it to "I remember you there/before I could remember too" which I feel is way more heavy hitting. Good catch; if it's a couplet, it should hold more weight.

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akledge•

Hey thanks for listening to my critiques and explaining your choices, I'm appreciating this piece more and more!

I can kind of see where you're coming from on "too", but it still takes a bit of effort for me to hear it naturally. Possibly I just need more experience at reading poetry -- again, very new. As a thought, what about:

before I could remember you--

? Perhaps somewhat nonsensical, but it would keep the long vowel, and it feels less awkward to me, for whatever reason.

Honestly I can't get back to the place where I thought that "she had" should be removed lol. Looking with fresh eyes I do like the symmetry, and the significance you pointed out is really nice. Consider that opinion retracted :P

I just can't get my head around "you'd had" -- it sounds very wrong to me. I really like "you'd have", it's wistful; I can feel the mother remembering and recounting this to her son.

Interesting your change of the grandpa's words in the first stanza; if I'm honest I think I liked the first version a bit more. It feels more brusque in this version, not sure if that's what you were going for. "Stop the waterworks" in particular jumps out at me as being a bit tonally dissonant with the rest of the poem -- not necessarily logical but that phrase conjures up images of theme park rides to me :D. It might just be a product of my particular umwelt; I think the only time I've heard that phrase used is in movies, so it's not as natural to me as it maybe is to you.

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austinlovespieOP•

I've been thinking of the moon as of late and, in its permanence, how much it must've seen. The thought was comforting, like a mother watching over you, so I followed the thought with this poem.

I tried to keep the "you" ambiguous. Maybe instead of the moon it could be a god, or a father.

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