You like chads, handsome with green or gray eyes
They see you as another toy, a scratch on their flies
Their gaze always tells, it always belies
You can see their empty lies in their shallow eyes
But my dear-
you will not see the depth of love in my pitch black eyes.
1,
Posted Dec 23, 2021, 1:44 AM UTC · edited
I might capitalize “Chad”. I was confused on the first read (I assumed “chad” was some noun I didn’t know, but quickly realized it was the name Chad, to represent generic guys who objectify women). I like that you fixate on just the eyes and the gaze. I thought that helped focus (set boundaries around) the poem. I think I didn’t like the beginning of the second line: “They see you as another toy”. Referring to men objectifying women as “see[ing them] as toy[s]” felt a little overused. The second part of the line however was I think unique and interesting imagery. I appreciate the rhyme throughout the poem. But I didn’t love that three of the five lines ended with “eyes”. It felt a little too repetitive, and took away from the value of the rhyme. A couple other questions. When you write “you can see their empty lies”, do you mean that the girl/guy can see these lies? It was a little confusing to me b/c if they can see these lies, why do they like the Chads? Alternatively, if you meant that one in general can see the lies (but that perhaps the guy/girl cannot), then you might need to change the structure of the sentence and avoid using “you can…”. Lastly, really liked the final line. The idea of not being able to see depth in pitch black eyes is vivid and understandable. It reminds me of looking into the ocean or a dirty lake and not knowing if it’s 2ft deep or 100ft.
Thank you for the honest critique. Yes it means "one" can see their lies. The girl is oblivious to their nature and is fixating on their appearance
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LMAO
Great title! I like the first three lines. "Empty lies" in the fourth line reads redundant after you already said in the previous line that their gaze belies. Also, since it's a very short piece, I'd use the word "eyes" less, it got too repetitive as I read it.
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Great title! I loved the humor and the topic.
I only it was longer as this is potentially a brilliant idea.
Cool poem but I’m not a fan of the 4th line. It’s a little jarring. Perhaps you could change it up a bit. Maybe add a “-“ at the end of the third line and change the 4th line to “as shallow as their speech, and full of empty lies”, as the reader knows you are talking about their gaze/eyes. The final line could do with some work too. It doesn’t flow well with the rest of the poem. It was fun a fun poem to conceptualize though :)
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The title of this poem is so freaking hilarious and my main criticism is the title is so good the content under-delivers
I respect the fact you are sharing your feelings and this is something honest you have decided to post. I am a firm believer that the narrator is not one and one with the author so idk who you are. This could be you speaking as you or a narrator as a caricature the author is commenting on. I don’t know those details
I like the abrasiveness of “you”. Second person can be so hit or miss. I like it in this context
Where this poem falls flat for me is shallow eyes/ pitch black eyes. It’s too angsty for my taste and the sounds aren’t satisfying and the repetition doesn’t warrant additional meaning in the juxtaposition
If this is autobiographical, you can get the girl! You just gotta believe in yourself. The self hate is working against you. Also you gotta respect people who don’t want to be with you. Often it’s nothing personal - they vibe with someone else. You’ll find your lady eventually
If it’s not autobiographical the poem becomes more interesting since the meaning becomes less clear And there’s more ambiguity to contemplate
Either way - I’m so glad you shared your poem. That takes guts and you’re on the path to becoming a better writer and I’m so proud of you!!
Thank you for the kind words and the critique