Loud
I'd stare out of the windows
High up the ceiling
I'd watch the blue skies
Slowly revealing
The parts of itself
From behind the curtains
Made of cotton feathers and
Impetuous versions
--
When the dark engulfs
My pretty blue ether
I watch her go
My beautiful mother
She'd lock me inside
Away from the clamour
She would go out of this
Silenced manor
--
The furniture trumpets
Announcing it's dawn again
The shrieking dishes
They call out my name
We eat, I roam
I watch things in monotone
Things laugh and they cry
In this cold catacomb
--
When the velvet black
Wraps the daylight within
And the holes in its fabric
Shimmer and wink
I watch him go
With a sad dumb smile
My father, he goes
Out in the hostile
--
The cutlery whispers
The doors go wham
But the people living in this house
Are silent as a lamb
I am that cloud
Peeking purposelessly across
No language or expression
Had no voice to my thought
--
But then one day
The trumpets didn't call
No fights, no babble
There was no noise at all
I searched for the silence
In this muffled muted dome
I searched for my parents
But they didn't return home...
--
The deafening noises
Of the outer world
Grew louder and louder
As they were hurled
They'd bang on my door
Shatter our defences
But the silence forcing me
To cross through the fences
--
So I placed my hand
With an eerie benign
On the cold metal knob
That sent chills down my spine
But the world I imagined
Of houses embedded
In large blue skies
Made me determined
To unleash the external
To rattle with crowds
To dance with the people
On the fluffy white clouds
--
I pushed open the door
And let the chatter in
The silenced dome
Had never been
Filled within
With People voices
With whines and honks
And with impatient noises
--
This was the day
I found out about
The language of expression
The voice of my thoughts
I found out about
The words and their forms
Of melody and music
Unharmonious life forms
--
The overwhelming scene...
Made me drop to the ground
As the world I reckoned
Was contrary to what I found
The sky too far above
Solid land beneath
People could speak
Besiege, and Deceit
--
The bloodied road
Just 6 feet away
With deaf dumb harmless
Now lifeless lambs
Though all I heard were
Shouts and cries
Of people fighting over
A cacophonous pram
--
Some are
Forcibly silenced
Others choose to
Ignore the violence
The muted words
Hidden behind the loud
Accessory to crimes
By muted crowds
--
I closed my eyes
Though I couldn't mourn
Couldn't cry or scream
Cause I didn't know
The language to cry in
What words to form
Since I was new to
All the social norms
--
I did the only thing
That the world responds with
To a sickness rife
Only thing I had ever known
Since I was the silenced kid
Of the silenced manor
Who didn't know
He had a voice of his own
--
I was taught silence
Like every other child
By this deaf dumb world
Violent and wild
But if you don't speak
Of the mushroom cloud
And people who can,
Aren't allowed
If every other person
Has mouth covered by a shroud
Then why is
This world so loud?
Posted Dec 23, 2021, 6:47 PM UTC · edited
I really like the use of metaphors here -- the sky, the noise -- and the way you carry them through the entire piece. I'm not gonna lie though, it's a pretty long poem, and I wonder if you really need all those stanzas.
I interpret this poem as being about someone coming from an oppressive family, and trying to deal with the mental health issues that that has caused them; trying to learn how to live a normal life.
There's a lot of great imagery here; "to rattle with crowds", the "pretty blue ether" (I always like ether for its double duty as a whimsical medium and a caustic cleaning substance), "houses embedded in large blue skies".
I love the way you drop the rhyme scheme here, and go for a plainer description, compared to the more abstract descriptions used through the rest of the poem. It nicely mirror's the narrator's inability to express themself.
As a critique, some of the rhymes/rhythms feel a bit forced, for example:
"Out in the hostile" feels a little too unusually-phrased for me to not be tripped up by it, particularly since the way I'm reading it I want to put emphasis on the second syllable of "hostile" which feels unnatural. Also, the repetition of "go/goes" is awkward.
Thank you so much for reading the poem and giving your feedback! Yes it's pretty long and I think nobody else is reading it for the very reason hehe.
Yes it's long but it would we extremely difficult to shorten it becomes the Paras build the poem till the end and give hints of what the poem is about.
The poem isn't about oppressive families and I see it now, why people would think it is. I've failed to depict the issue/present the topic properly. :(
I'll look into this "go/ goes and hostile" paragraph. Thank you again for sharing your views.