Hey thanks for the feedback! I think you also gave me some for that piece of speculative fiction I posted, so double thanks. I reckon you're spot on with the blandness of the opening. It does a bit of a disservice to the story. The line edits were super helpful too! 

Cheers!

I love the premise and, in some ways, the execution. It is confident in its own absurdity; does not try to explain anything, or allude to any deeper meaning, though I suppose it could be read that the rat is a metaphor for the narrator himself, or he is projecting onto it. The dialogue is functional--maybe it could be trimmed back, because though the conversation as a whole cultivates a certain vibe, the narrator's individual utterances don't have much impact on their own.

My main problem with it is word economy. I think 800 words is a fine length for this to be, but your opening faffs about with some pretty unnecessary detail and overly meticulous descriptions of the narrator's actions. You could either cut it down to maybe 600 words, or less, or you could instead use the word count you do have to greater effect. Maybe some more striking imagery, or something that hints at the narrator's mood or personality.

Secondly, the way this is structured could maybe use a little shake-up. It'

Hey, thanks for the feedback! Appreciate it! All the 'he did' 'I did' sentences are pretty egregious, can't believe I'm just noticing them now. I think the first paragraph definitely needs a clean up too. 

Glad you enjoyed it! Cheers.

Overall impression: this is pretty awesome. The one-sided dialogue, with answering actions from the rat, is a really nice way to hold that conversation.

I found the first bit of description could use a little bit of cleaning up and rearranging, and it was much less compelling than the rat section. I read through a few times and got a little confused with the logistics of where everything was. Also my mind went to nighttime even though it says lunch break; I think it's the Bladerunner-esque feel to the rainy alley and the appearance of a usually nocturnal animal, I had to almost force myself to picture it during the day.

>I was out of the back door and into the alley for the tail end of my lunch break. I could hear a faint downpour coming from outside the confines of the alley, 

You could cut the 'of' in the first sentence. 'I could hear' is redundant, simply saying 'A faint downpour came' is cleaner, although if it's a downpour how can it be faint? 

>which was roofed in by an overh

The first passage uses too many words to describe the opening scene. Think of ways to remove redundancies even if it means losing phrases in favour of simpler words.

That being said I enjoyed the premise of the story, reminds me of Herman Melville's Bartleby The Scrivener meets Terry Pratchett. Sort of corporate absurdity. The dialogue's much more interesting than the introduction although I'd like more character development apart from the cigarette smoking rat and relatable narrator.

An interesting addition- you could play with power dynamics, make the narrator or the rat break down and the other overwhelmed by this. Apart from that, I think in terms of grammar, other commenters have it covered pretty well.

Damn, thanks so much for the write-up! I really appreciate it :) 

I definitely think the intro is the place that needs the most immediate work, but I am admittedly finding it difficult to trim it back. I might just have to rewrite it as barebones as I can to see if it's still serviceable like that. 

I agree as well with more characterisation for the narrator--he's a bit bland, isn't he? I'll have to go back and inject some flavour in somehow. 

Thanks for reading it!

GENERAL REMARKS

This isn't my usual sort of reading, but I found it fascinating! Knowing the title (which sets the tone of the story before you even start reading), the first line pulled me in. Mostly the pun with "tail", whether it was something you specifically employed or totally accidental, it worked for me.

MECHANICS

Overall, your sentences felt varied in their structure, which kept me engaged in the piece. One that would strengthen the piece for me is playing a bit more with the hook of your sentences. A lot of them, especially the first few lines, begin with "I" statements. For me, at least, it pulls me out of the story a bit when that sort of sentence is repeated too often, especially in short pieces.

I've shared this in other critiques, but I love rewriting what is essentially the same sentence as many ways as I can as an exercise. Description is often my weakest link in writing (and I've also fell victim to the 'I am" and "I did" and "I saw" plenty of times), so using tha

That sounds great, I'd love to read that version! Thank you for considering my suggestions, good luck with the story.

Hey thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it :) 

I quite like your suggestions as well. It would certainly give the story a little more oomf. I think a general problem with my writing is coasting on the funny premise without injecting any, like, actual substance. 

The changes I've added since dwell a little bit more on the narrators cynicism, a lengthy rant about why he despises the french cafe. I think you're pretty spot on with what the story needs. 

Thanks so much!

My first impressions of this story were pretty great. As it is, this is a satisfyingly short piece of absurd fiction that opens itself to a lot of speculation and reflection. What it does for me is that it leads me to speculate on what leads the protagonist to project a personality on a rat that seems to go generally unnoticed. What are the conditions surrounding this man's brief dip into absurdism? What are his societal, political, and material realities? Is this absurdism he embraces a product of his times? Is his life generally worrisome or easy going?

This is where I see room for expansion in your story. I would think of it like this:

This interaction with the rat is this pocket of warmness within the story, it has a fairytale-like lightness and humor too it. It lulls the reader into a certain curious easiness. What you could do is challenge the readers easiness with the story as soon as they slide into this. Infuse the situation surrounding the narrator, and the interaction with

Hello. 

A little short piece of lowkey fiction. I think the title just about says it all.  

Link is [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jcLUvSmYMA6XiSzIQuy-yDymsWuqTQsXzgLMD7zV0Po/edit).

Cheers!

Critique - [969](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ro41hj/969_the_perfect_gift/hq7mvju/)

[789] A Rat Smoking a Cigarette