Source
r/OCPoetry•
solpaz

? Not sure yet

Dear God,

Give me a story,

I’m sick of spick and span,
I’ve seen enough neutral to last a lifetime,

Show me a little crazy,
Some quirky non-conformity,

Tales rooted in clutter please,

I want to earn an invitation,

From the woman down the road,
The goddess with the wrinkles around her eyes,

To share heart and soul,

To slump into sinking cushions,
To sip from misfit mugs,

Laughing until we cry,
Crying until we laugh,

I want to leave,
As more than I was,

With more love,
A kind hug,

And a full belly,

Thank God,
Or should I say Goddess,

Those tales rooted in clutter,
She shared them with me

*Note: I would really like to re-word the last 3 lines because I don’t like the rhyming, but we’re just gonna go with it for now:)

Comment 1

Comment 2

Posted Dec 30, 2021, 11:44 PM UTC · edited

1513
11828181•

I love this. It’s very sweet. Your choice of descriptive words (ie. clutter / sinking cushions / misfit mugs) really puts an image in my mind, or more so a feeling. It’s definitely something many people can relate to. I especially love the structure too, as it reads nicely.

Since you’re rethinking the last stanzas, maybe you could separate “and a full belly” to form a couplet, so to match the first stanza at the beginning of the poem? Idk just food for thought.

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solpazOP•

Thank you very much, ahh great idea!

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William-Poet•

I feel your poem is a villanelle. Very difficult to pull off because of all the rules that are required. But, your poem really draws the reader in.

The poem reminds me of the song Dear God by XTC and one of my favorites.

My favorite stanza is “I want to earn an invitation, From the woman down the road”. I feel you’re referring to getting a woman to date you. A man can’t just go up to and ask for a woman’s number.

Great job!

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solpazOP•

Thank you for your feedback! I appreciate it :) I’ll have to give that song a listen

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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solpazOP•

Awesome, I like the message

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William-Poet•

Thank you.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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TheXV2•

I love the desires illustrated here. Not content with the same old, wanting something more, wanting someone more. A bunch of desires that stray from the ordinary to make life feel more exciting.

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1
dirtyredsweater•

I feel like you are saying with this poem, that you are done with monotony and routine, and you're looking for "love" without saying the word. I enjoyed that you didn't say the word love for most of the poem, and the climax of the whole thing for me was "laughing until we cry, crying until we laugh." I wonder if the poem would feel more impactful if you put that line at the end, and added or changed content before it. Another though I have is that it kind of feels like two poems, not one. The 2nd poem starting at "I want an invitation." Maybe it's just me, but that joint feels..... Disjointed.

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EntireRumcake•

i agree that there’s a break between those lines. the “first poem” seems a cry to god about boredom within routine and the “second” seems more longing for connection… i wonder if you can rewrite the last stanza in a way to reconcile the two ideas? maybe this goddess teaches you the spontaneity you crave in the first half somehow?

otherwise, i am a big fan of this poem. it speaks to a restlessness that i’m sure many people experience.

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solpazOP•

Thank you! I like the idea of using the last stanza to connect these ideas.

Would you tell me what you think of ending it like this?
...
I want to leave,
As more than I was,

With more love,
Her kind hug,

And a full belly,

Thank God,

Those tales rooted in clutter,
She’s shared them with me

1
solpazOP•

Thank you for the feedback! I see what you mean with the split between those lines! And yes, definitely done with monotony and routine. I do see how this can be interpreted as romantic now. Writing it I meant more literally hanging out with some interesting cooky lady down the street and listening to her stories rather than like being in someone’s un-lived in “ikea home” hahaha. But that’s just me :) i like that it can be interpreted in many ways. Thanks again!

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