Cherry blossoms fill the air,
Drifting without a single care,
And every time you walk these streets,
The petals rest upon your silky hair.
Silky gowns of picasso rose
Still life paint as if time has froze.
Thawed out by your light,
A flaming sun.
Flushed pastel blooms
On your cheeks and nose.
Suntanned smile,
Hued in sanguine pink.
The streetlights glow,
And the daylight shrinks, around you.
Posted Jan 12, 2022, 9:39 PM UTC
This is my first feedback on here. I’ve done in person before, but never online so bare with me.
So when I see “you” I always read that as me. Idk if there’s precedent to do otherwise, but I’m just giving you my experience.
The mental image of the first stanza is VERY vivid for me. I see a slow motion movie of rows of cheery blossoms and the petals like snow in the air. And i just get a sense of wonder. Silent perfection. Easy content.
The second stanza loses me a little. The second line especially seems to take some mental effort for me to comprehend. I don’t feel the ease and slow motion anymore. And i’m having a hard time with the mental image.
The third stanza returns me to the feeling of the first. The first line is a little awkward, but the rest flows easy which seems to be the tone.
Overall i get a very slow motion molasses sense. Saturated love. Something you cant help but feel good about. I like it.
Thank you for sharing :) and if any of this critique is confusing PLEASE let me know.
How interesting!! I have never read “you” as me. I reread it with that perspective and it was a very bizarre feeling. I’m not sure I will ever be able to read you without reading me, again.
Yeah I’m a weirdo. Sorry if i ruined your reading experience haha
Interesting. I didn't notice how the pacing switched up in the second stanza until you brought it up. Mhm, that makes sense, the references weren't super apparant. I've been obsessed with rose period picasso paintings lately and was trying to mesh that concept into the poem. The rest of the section is also referencing another painting called flaming june which is honestly mesmerizing imo. My fun aside though, your feedback made a lot of sense. Pacing, clarity, and consideration of the reader's viewpoint! Thank you
And it’s probably perfect for someone that knows about picasso and art history more than me haha. I’m one human and overall the imagery is very strong. Glad to hear it helped though!
It’s a very vivid, beautiful poem. Nicely done 🙂
I love the sound of this poem. I don't understand all of it, but somehow it still gives me a good feeling. It's tranquil.
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How comforting. Thank you.