Source
r/OCPoetry•
UsernameUn-available

Stuck in the Past

It’s always late at night when my heart starts to bleed.

There’s no point in trying, I never get any sleep.

Versus battle going, this ones quite insane.

Me against myself, we’re stuck down memory lane.

Life is moving on, but when my heart was shattered?

The pieces went flying, spaciously scattered.

I couldn’t find them all so they’re stuck where they fell.

That’s why my mind consistently revisits hell.

That’s the last place and time I had a whole heart.

For the first time my heart stopped, from there’s where it starts.

I’m not choosing to live in the past.

Just to revisit when my heart was whole last.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sch2z4/broken_sleep/hu6x2gh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sckgjx/your_death_is_a_freight_train_in_my_mind/hu6vyq9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Posted Jan 25, 2022, 7:32 PM UTC

2118
Writing_Flashy•

Your word play is great, i like how easy it flows from one word to another and toward the ending I like how you started to use imagery so i could really see and feel that feeling of longing

3
UsernameUn-availableOP•

Thank you your words. I’m glad you could relate to my poem.

2
[deleted]•

I really enjoy the twists with your writing style, like other people have said it flows really well. Your poem has a really good way of interpreting your emotions and making other readers feel them as well. I think this is a really great poem and I don't really have any negative comments. The grammar and the rhythm is really great. My only other advice would be to keep writing!!

2
00001baby•

felt that

2
ninjamanatee200•

I love this! Like the previous comment said, your wordplay is great, as well as your word choice in general, very well articulated, and it sounds like you may be inspired by rap, in which case I think you should try making an actual song out of this. I love how it tells a story clearly yet poetically without simply spoonfeeding the reader exactly what it is that the poet is trying to convey

1
UsernameUn-availableOP•

I appreciate you taking your time to read my content and leave some kind words.

2
witty_skippy•

I love the line "It's always late at night when my heart starts to bleed." This is descriptive, emotional, and relatable , and I think it makes you sad in a nostalgic sort of way. Maybe you could mix in some more near rhymes or other sound devices, just since the rhymes are very apparent (that's just an opinion, though). Very well done!

1
UsernameUn-availableOP•

Thank you for your input and feedback. It is always appreciated.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
[deleted]•

I really enjoyed this. I like ready poetry that relates to me. It's like reading my own thoughts.

"It's always late at night when my heart starts to bleed."

Isn't it though? We walk through this thing we call life hoping that at our lowest, our days can be filled with constant distraction. Hating the fact that night will be our reminder that we are not ok, we are broken. We all at some point are stuck living in our past. Trying to figure out how to heal and move forward. 🤔

Your poem, to me, captured brokenness. But also hope that by revisiting a once whole heart can mean that we can eventually heal.

When reading this, I could see the hurt...the pain. It was well written that I could see the undrawn illustration of it. Well done!

1
UsernameUn-availableOP•

I appreciate your feedback so much. Thank you. Though it is not the best subject to relate on, it feels good knowing others can relate to me as we’ve all felt alone and misunderstood.

1
[deleted]•

You are very welcome. Never hesitate to reach out if you need a friend 🙂

1
Sophieannelan•

this is really beautiful work, nice flow, just a couple of points where the flow sticks slightly where you could possibly change syllables :

Line 2 : “never” kind of breaks the flow, if you could find a one syllable like won’t or don’t to ease the structure

Line 8 : that’s why, maybe change to “and”, “then” or “so”, it’s one of the strongest lines in the poem and “that’s why” kind of softens it I guess (consistently + revisits = amazing consonant sounds in there 😨)

Perhaps look at “revisit” to avoid repetition in the last line unless it’s on purpose.

Really amazing work well done :)

1
UsernameUn-availableOP•

Wow. So first, thank you for taking time to stop and read my work. But not only that, to send me some very good constructive criticism. Thank you, I do appreciate it. I do like the way “don’t” flows when placed in the line instead of “never”. I think I may make that change! As far as the eighth line, it was intentional! Lol. But once again, thank you!

1
random-impressions•

I relate to the last line a lot It's difficult to move on from a time where you were happy to not being there anymore

1
Eyeballsoffire•

Nice

1
imadness1•

Beautiful work, you have made a really good job with the rhymes and i do agree with the previous comments about the rhythm, it’s indeed very rap like and it can only be read that way and i love it

1
differentkindofchaos•

The dark is a lonely place. Prisoners of our mind

1
poplapmeisiekind•

Absolutely love the imagery you have used, describing the shards of the speaker’s heart lost so that it’s impossible to feel whole again. Those emotions always seem to come out to play when I’m trying to sleep at night, too. Interesting word choice of “we’re” to describe the duality of oneself in these moments. Thought-provoking poem.

1