Haha, this is the gypsy setting you up for a really positive fortune.

Scenarios such as this always raise a number of interesting philosophical questions: Are the events the gypsy foresees set in stone, or could they come to pass differently depending on the decisions of the narrator or others? In the former case, are all events like this (i.e. the universe is deterministic and fully predictable), or only some, with there being certain "fated events" that can be approached by any pathway, but must eventually come to pass? Or in the latter case, is the gypsy seeing the future that would inevitably have happened had the narrator not been warned (a la Minority Report), or just the most likely future, which is probably going to happen but has always harboured and continues to harbour the possibility of turning out differently?

On a more concrete level, I find it interesting that the narrator only "lends" their coins to the gypsy -- almost as though they already know they're going to want them back instead of hearing the prediction. You're British and I'm no

Ominous.

Short. 

Sweet.

Mysterious.

maybe, on the last line comma after you and italicize you instead of really.  different emphasis and the break from the comma still accents the really

This is easily one of the most intriguing poems I've read recently. I'm not exactly an experienced writer, so I can't give the best advice yet. That being said, I really like this. Mostly, I love the simplicity of it. Sometimes less is more. I know that's cliché but it's something I personally struggle with a lot. I always have to involve a conclusion. This really is a great poem. Short, simple and thought provoking. As a random person on the internet my opinion isn't exactly the weightiest thing ever, but for what it's worth, I like it. Keep up the good work.

So mysterious. I love this. Short, simple, and concise. Thank you for sharing your work you are clever!

I love the story you manage to tell her in such a short poem. I could picture the scene and the curiousness of the narrator 'seeking their fortune'. When I first read it I saw the gipsy as a dark ominous figure (similar to the seer in Vikings), but when I reread it I got a lot more out of the gispy character. I saw them as a kinder character who was genuinely shocked about the fortune (ie her face turning white) and this completely changed the last line for me, from being a more ominous jocker-esque delivery to one of concern for the narrator. Either way, there was a lot left to the imagination there given the various connotations that can come with a fortune teller.

Another thing I noticed was that you used the word 'lent'. This implies that the narrator got their money back, potentially answering the question you posed at the end 'Do you really want to know?' As for them, the answer was no (or at least that's one interpretation).

I would say though that the 'through a golden wagon 

“Seeing into the future” is a superpower I have never dreamed of having. I don’t think I would have ever been able to get through anything in my life had I known what was to come. In that way ignorance is bliss. I love how your poem opens up a captivating scene that ends with the reader wanting more!

Love this. Paints a picture and the dark twist at the end is fun. :)

I like the vibe this poem gives, is a poem, but narrates a story, it could be used in a theatre play as a voice off and tbh it would go well, apart from that, I love the simplistic approach of it, it sets really well a scene and left you wondering what could happen next

fair enough. being from the UK, the term gypsy isn't really controversial here, but i hear what you are saying. i was leaning into the romantic idea of a "gypsy" that is common in popular culture, and perhaps that is offensive. 

i hoped people would recognise the obvious use of stereotype and it would therefore not be offensive. but i could consider changing the word "gypsy" to "mystic". thanks for bringing this to my attention, anyway.

>saying "gypsy" is a slur word seems more offensive to the gypsy/traveller community than using the word "gypsy". if you are from the community yourself, i'm sorry, i will adjust my statement. but from the travellers i've known, i think you are reaching.

I'm just trying to point something out in hopes that it's helpful to you. [https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/549/the-longest-road](https://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/549/the-longest-road)

&#x200B;

> i dont think i painted the gypsy or the fortune telling tradition in a negative light. the gypsy isn't a money grabber or a con - she shows concern for the narrator.

if you say so; it struck me a bit differently. a lot can be implied when using such a stereotype or cliche as you call it, intended or not.

saying "gypsy" is a slur word seems more offensive to the gypsy/traveller community than using the word "gypsy". if you are from the community yourself, i'm sorry, i will adjust my statement. but from the travellers i've known, i think you are reaching.

my description of the gypsy is overly cliche/traditional. it is not the reality for 99% of gypsys in real life. but poetry is always using cliches, and the main focus of the poem is the question posed at the end. regardless, i dont think i painted the gypsy or the fortune telling tradition in a negative light. the gypsy isn't a money grabber or a con - she shows concern for the narrator.

I like some aspects of your poem, and I know this may be a metaphorical fortune teller and the situation may be fantasy but is the Roma/Traveler stereotype of the coy fortune-telling gypsy really something that I am looking for in a poem written in 2022? It's not.

some consider "gypsy" to be a slur btw.

lol, i wasnt aware of this poem but it was a great listen and a different approach to mine, loved the end, thanks for sharing

https://www.poeticous.com/langston-hughes/ballad-of-the-gypsy

We don’t know each other so allow me to introduce myself, I’m Philippe.      

I turned my eyes my mind over the poem, but the poem didn’t turn for me,     
so lacking a twist I ruminated on the handling of the poem, and where I had      
encountered such stories in poetry.      

The Wasteland       

Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,     
Had a bad cold, nevertheless     
Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe,     
With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,    
Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,     
(Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)     
Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,     
The lady of situations.    
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,     
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,     
Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,    
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find    
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.    

I selected this excerpt since it highlights a few      
missing aspect that i’d like

i’m not entirely sure how flexible the stress is on “into”, like *officially*, but i know that i personally wouldn’t have a problem reading it with stress on the second syllable. in fact, i would naturally do so in this context. “inside” isn’t a poem-ruining word though, it suffices.

thanks slime king, glad you enjoyed. i get what you mean about "into" instead of "inside". would it be stressed inTO though, or INto? i didn't really know, which is why i went for "inSIDE"

(bit dissapointed my poem didnt change your life, though)

what a cute, fun little poem. nothing life-changing, but a nice read—i love this kind of poetry. i love the vibe you create with “golden wagon door”. i think that one description sets the scene well: i see a roadside fortune-teller. i wonder if you meant the word “store” in line four as a pun, considering the coins previously mentioned. i also really like the half rhyme of “crystal” and “whisper”. there’s just a hint of a rhyme there when you read it aloud, and it’s so satisfying. if i had to suggest an edit: perhaps maybe change “inside” to “into” in line 5? maybe that’s just me. loved it tho.

This is really great.

To start, I love your work. 'Staccato' is one my favourites on this sub.

I love how hauntingly luring this is. The eerie foretelling of the future makes us all curious and I love how you put that across. As well as making the reader a bit daunted by what was said.

>‘till her face turned white as snow

>She drew her pipe, then whispered:

>Do you really want to know?

As with all the poems I like, this makes me want more. 

Again, amazing job. I hope to read more from you in the future:)

The piece is all the more powerful because it's short and sweet. It doesn't have to be uber-dramatic. So many people try to do too much with a poem. I like the humor and the twist too. 

The line "though a golden wagon door." creates some good imagery, and flows well. Nice assonance, use of poetry devices (which I'm learning about:). 

Thanks for sharing, it was a pleasure to encounter.

I love this. It's ominous, the lyrical meter gives it a kind of classic folk tale feel, and it has a kind of lighthearted dread to it. Does that make sense? It does in my brain.

I've seen previous commends regarding gypsy vs seer, or mystic or whatever. Keep gypsy, it's not offensive. Not in this context.

Going from “golden” to “coin” to “store” is such a nice non connecting connection! And then the real question that everyone forgets when put in these hypotheticals; do you really want to ruin your future by spoiling the fun? Great work!

I really like the double meaning you created, in either it's bad and do you wanna know something bad? Or the question if we Want to know what our future holds in general.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

Ahhh critique on a poem I enjoyed! For a short and sweet piece, this achieves a fair bit in a short space. I will offer some slight suggestions for possible improvements, but feel you have a good handle.

First, form and structure- two quatrains, with perfect end rhymes in ABCB rhyme scheme (door/store, snow/know). There is also repetition of the first word at each B line (I/I, She/She). In the first stanza, perfect rhyme is used at I went/ I lent - this is not repeated in the second stanza and this is the first suggestion - could ‘she blazed her pipe’ be used to deliver the pair (she gazed/she blazed). Blazed does however change the mood of the line, but it is something to consider for the sake of form.

The second suggestion relates to the commentary of the use of ‘gypsy’ — I can not comment on whether or not this can be read as a slur as where I am from it is more typically associated with Fleetwood Mac. that being said, gypsy here is not really immediately associated with fortune t

&amp;#x200B;

I went to see a gypsy

through a golden wagon door.

I lent my coins then asked her

what my future had in store.

&amp;#x200B;

She gazed into a crystal

‘till her face turned white as snow

She drew her pipe, then whispered:

Do you *really* want to know?

&amp;#x200B;

\~

&amp;#x200B;

Feedback:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sch2z4/broken\_sleep/hu6kznc/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sch2z4/broken_sleep/hu6kznc/?context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sch2z4/broken\_sleep/hu6kznc/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sch2z4/broken_sleep/hu6kznc/?context=3)

Crystal Ball