Uh oh, looks like you're not the Local Legend™ anymore!

Hey Loser,

Today at 12:34 PM, Richard McGoober absolutely demolished your long-standing record of most segment efforts on "Disgusting crack alley (final 10m sprint!!)" in the past 90 days. Your pathetic 27 efforts are nothing in comparison to his huge throbbing 29 efforts. He basically took out your little boy dick and jerked it off for everybody to see.

Remember when you used to be somebody? When you would run down "Disgusting crack alley (final 10m sprint!!)" and people would turn to each other and whisper to each other "wow, who is that majestic creature galloping past us?", "oh don't you know, he's a local legend 'round these parts". Those times are gone now. All that's left is a sad, pathetic, worthless husk of a man.

We went ahead and notified your wife of this incident; she's taking the kids and going to stay at her mother's for a while. She also mentioned leaving you for Richard - something about needing an actual role model in the kids' lives instead of whatever the hell you turned out to be.

Looks like your dad was right all along. You're a worthless mistake, always have been and always will be. The way we see it, you've got two options. The first is to commit ritual suicide now, so at least your family can move on from your shame. Otherwise, you could try and convince yourself you're capable of change, and go put in the herculean effort of 3 segment efforts. But let's face it, how long is that going to last? Sooner or later, you'll realize you're a washed up has-been (or more like, never-was) who's been living a lie this whole time. All roads lead to Rome, as they say - why not just get it over with now?

Thanks,

Your Friends at Strava