[1151] Excerpt - Journey of Consequence, Book 3 in The Listra Chronicles
Hello Fellow Writers!
I'm posting this because I'm faced with a situation for the first time: I'm introducing a group of eight characters at once.
They're vital to the story, but only for two to three follow-on scenes. After that, all but two will be dead. Keeping that in mind, I'm not doing extensive descriptions. I'm trying to list one or two unique features to give readers something to latch onto for the upcoming scenes, and that's it.
What I'm most wanting to know from this critique is if everything is clear and whether or not I'm approaching this in the best way possible. Fingers crossed that I am. But if not, maybe one or more of you can give me an idea of how I could better approach this situation.
To provide some context/helpful info:
- Zel, the MC, is a kick-ass commander - pretty much a legend in his own time (and hates it)
- He just rescued these eight warriors from slavery and is taking them on a mission to kill the slave traders who captured them (he was previously captured & enslaved as well)
- They are Listra, which is a species of shifter who magically bonds with various animals
- Readers of the series are already familiar with the Ace and Tau warrior ranks - the cream of the crop and bottom of the barrel. The rest are new to series readers.
I think that covers everything pertinent. I greatly appreciate anyone who takes a look at this.
And, of course, high-effort critiques are welcome as well. I just really need to know what I asked about above. Thanks again!
Past critique: [1736] Hanuman
Posted Feb 1, 2022, 12:03 PM UTC
MULTIPLE INTRODUCTIONS
It can indeed be difficult to introduce multiple characters at one, especially a larger number, like eight. I think the scene you've chosen to introduce them in is kind of cheating, in a way, because you only ever have two characters involved in dialogue at any given time. So, really, you're doing the same old bi-character introductions (or perhaps only one at a time, if readers know about Zel? Not sure), just repeated x number of times. Because of this, I don't think you've written a scene that actually comes face-to-face with the challenges of simultaneous character introductions. Now, there's nothing wrong with the scene—it makes perfect sense why only two are speaking at any given time—but definitely bear in mind that in later scenes (I assume), you'll have to properly manage many newer characters interacting with each other, with the added difficulty of a dynamic environment (i.e., a fight scene).
With all this said, it's difficult to give you feedback on how you handled this unique quality of multiple introductions, because the scene doesn't really require you to face some of the challenges. Perhaps it would be better to write these characters in a separate scene (for practice)—one in which they can all interact with each other, instead of just individually with Zel? That way, you get some practice with timing each character, incorporating different voices and exposition into the dialogue, and introducing any pre-existing tensions the characters might have (based on past history). This could also give you a good avenue to explore potential classism—that is, how do members of one class treat members of other classes? All of these things can factor into introductions in complex scenes, because of the complex interactions that emerge.
CHARACTER DETAILS AND DESCRIPTION
I thought this was handled pretty well, all things considered. The scene doesn't require long introductions and flowing descriptions of each character's life story; you instead focus on a some minor qualities that are enough to distinguish (for the most part) each character as distinct from the rest. I will say, though, that some characters get longer descriptions, which makes me think they're more important, and thus more likely to survive the battle(s) to come. Perhaps this is intentional, or at least desirable; or perhaps it's not intentional, and is instead misleading. I'm just sharing how I interpreted the time afforded to each character.
I certainly wasn't confused much, aside from some potential vagueness with the word "adjacent" being used to describe a character next to Lug. On which side? I don't know if this is mentioned anywhere previously, so it could absolutely be consistent with what readers will know, but with only the excerpt to go by, I don't know if the character adjacent to Lug is on his left or his right. All things considered it's a pretty minor detail, but I thought I'd mention it nonetheless, as it does seem to be an unnecessary point of confusion.
PROSE
I think this is probably the weakest aspect of the excerpt for me. The dialogue is simple, but doesn't need to be anything more; it's the narrator's description that I take issue with, and it feels like a first draft. Most of these issues are minor, such as a missing or extra word (e.g., "adjacent" rather than "adjacent to"; "and looked so awestruck, Zel was pretty sure" rather than "and looked so awestruck that Zel was sure"), and sometimes confusing grammar (e.g., "“Name, rank, and strongest skills, especially those other than swords,” he said looking at the first in the row, a bald Listra nearly his size, with a head covered in tattoos." instead of ""Name, rank, and strongest skills, especially those other than swords," he said, looking at the first in the row—a bald Listra nearly his size, head covered in tattoos."). I think a lot of these sentences can use some paring down, letting the weight of certain words paint a clearer image. For example, "“Ashbo, Sir,” the warrior said in a deep and serious voice." sounds a little off when spoken out loud. "deep and serious voice" feels artificial, lacking in confidence. Something which uses these words' weights better could be, "Ashbo, Sir, the warrior said in a deep, serious voice." or "Ashbo, Sir," the warrior said, his voice (deep and) serious." Do you see the difference? One sounds like a screenwriting prompt, while the others carry a more story-like quality to them.
I only mention these minor details because they're pervasive in the excerpt, which often (but not always) implies they're the product of a first draft and/or are found throughout an author's writing. However, also bear in mind that a lot of readers are going to be less picky than I am, and whose eyes might glaze over some of the more clunky lines, their enjoyment not inhibited in the slightest.
OVERALL
As far as multiple-character-introduction scenes go, this one is quite tame in its ambition, what with having the characters only interact one on one. However, this not a fault of the scene, nor of some authorial resistance; it's just that the scene doesn't require more complicated interactions. Because of this, you'd likely benefit by practicing introducing these characters in a different scene, one in which they're all interacting with each other. The descriptions themselves are fine: they're paced appropriately, but it may be possible to predict which characters are going to survive the upcoming scenes and play a larger role in the story. This could be positive or negative, depending on what you're comfortable with the reader seeing, but it could also lead readers down a false path and create a false expectation. The simple dialogue works totally fine here as it fits the scene unfolding, but there are some minor prose issues pervading the piece that may suggest more refinement is needed in this piece, but perhaps in other pieces too. Overall, I think it's a pretty decent scene, but more attentive readers may be drawn away by the minor issues mentioned above.
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Yes, I spend more words on the ones that live, but also on a couple of the others so it wouldn't be too obvious - four of the eight get more page time, but only two survive.
In any case, I appreciate you taking the time and offering some helpful suggestions.