I do not like the concept. The “joke” here is that your emotional baggage is some literal baggage. And the shit you carry around with you is some literal shit.

These are dad jokes. These are simple puns. And even worse, they are less creative than the idioms they are based on. The joke of saying “emotional baggage” in the first place already compares your emotions to literal baggage. You are just doing it in a way less brief way. 

It’s like a CarrotTop joke. “Look what I got here ladies and gentlemen, emotional baggage!”

I understand that you are going for comedy, but Erica Badu has a popular song about this same metaphor called Bag Lady. Her lyrics were very simple:

> Bag lady, you goin' miss your bus

>You can't hurry up

>'Cause you got too much stuff

I think it worked for her because she kept it simple. There’s not a lot of meat on this bone. It’s a simple metaphor. 

I think if you’re going to go for these old fashion puns, you should have given us a bunch of them. How about 

Thanks. Here's some performances of my other comedy parables for your enjoyment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OunGzpD0mtI&list=PL-pjvVOvDILG\_IKYNQp4SvMguc81yk6FL

Yes. It was clear it was a reference for Enlightenment.

Thanks for the feedback! 

Regarding Nirvana, I just want to double-check whether it was clear that Nirvana is a reference to the Buddhist term for Enlightenment. If not, let me know as I want to use more accessible references. I could say the MC is going on vacation as that would be the closest metaphor.

Hello there! It's always nice to see a little humor. 

In reading your story there was one line that made me crack a wide smile, I believe it was genuinely funny and fit perfectly. It was:

> They were like “Sir, why do you have this in your luggage?” pulling out my bag of trash. Now, I know it’s a bit unusual to be lugging around a bag of trash, but this is a free country and I don’t have to explain myself! 

Which someone on the Google Doc suggested this to be your opening line. I would agree. This is a fantastic start to a ridiculous story. The opening you have now is weak and doesn't represent the rest of the story very well.

The fact they let him keep a knife but draw the line at shit is funny.

> “Why would you do that?! Get rid of it!” they screamed. I refused, “I won’t let it go, because it’s the only thing I have left to remind me of her!”

This line is potent. I've got friends who live this way. It is very funny and very real. Excellent line.

In terms of a parable, I think 

Thanks for your feedback! I'll think about alternatives to the knife one, as I agree it doesn't fit quite as well. The purpose of this piece is to be performed as a one-person skit, to be posted on Youtube, so you correctly note that word economy is very important for this.

GENERAL REMARKS


This piece is just as long as it needs to be. Any longer would be really stretching it. I think picking out three items from the luggage and having MC explain them is quite enough, although I don’t think the knife really fits into the picture. 


TITLE


Well, the title says just about everything there is to know about this story. I could even not have read this story and known it’s details anyway, just from the title. The title suits the piece, but in all its obviousness I wouldn’t say it’s particularly “interesting”. It’s more a question of, am I in the right mood for a short humour piece or didn’t I have my coffee yet. Because when a piece is labeled as humour it comes with expectations, like horror or erotica. I’ll get to laugh, I’ll get scared, or horny. 


HOOK


I’m not so sure I agree that you should swap paragraphs around and have another hook. The piece is so brief it doesn’t really matter, in my opinion. It doesn’t take us long before they find the trash, j

Thanks. Yeah I'll make it clear next time that it is to be performed orally. And yes that makes sense, I'll play up that the character believes they are completely normal.

> Indeed this is meant as a script for a one-man skit performance (though I might have a second person play TSA if I can get one).

If this is the case, I think it would be better to format it as a script/screenplay or make it known in the post. A quick scan of other comments has folks mentioning problems with the layout as they are working on the assumption this is a written piece to be read and not as a one-person YouTube video performance. (Two cents)

> Can you explain that more? What is the "surreal" aspect you would like to see? If the MC acted like the baggage is totally normal?

Yeah, basically. If the MC is under the impression that everyone carries around these literal metaphors with a ‘how is this odd’/‘everyone does it’’/‘you’re the weird ones.’ Like “That’s my trash. Were you expecting more?” Or “Where do you store your trash?” IDK. Nothing huge, but something that kicks up the absurdity of it a bit more. This is not about subtlety so why not push the envelope a little bit

Thanks for your feedback. Indeed this is meant as a script for a one-man skit performance (though I might have a second person play TSA if I can get one).

> IDK, but something here with the POV as the traveller is accentuating the more reading it straight that makes the word play as gimmicks as opposed to surreal

Can you explain that more? What is the "surreal" aspect you would like to see? If the MC acted like the baggage is totally normal?

I appreciate the line edit suggestions. I will tighten up the wording.

Thank you for posting. I don’t know how helpful this is going to be as a critique, but really humor, even more so than horror and romance in my opinion, has such fuzzy subjectivity. 

**Overall** This is an interesting structured piece using a semi-surreal thread about a traveler literally going to a place called Nirvana and why their physical belongings as surrogates for emotional baggage will prevent them. In terms of structure, we have this nice starting and ending with Nirvana, a clear sense of the scene, and beginning-middle-end. However the beats themselves do not seem suited for the written format, but more at an emulation of say a sketch improv class or show. The humor instead of reading as ‘high-brow’ comes across as skataological and in fact utilizes a bag of shit.

**Nirvana, Minnesota** This read to me as if the discovery of this town’s existence was the germ of the joke and as if everything was created around “how do I use Nirvana, MN as a piece of humor?” Similar to there

Title: **Airport Security Banned My Emotional Baggage! A parable on letting go**

Category: Humor, stand-alone story

Story \[438\]: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UpubXqNuEQ024OMNT4eVZqHGn7d\_wmzAUkiRRoJrLrs/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UpubXqNuEQ024OMNT4eVZqHGn7d_wmzAUkiRRoJrLrs/edit?usp=sharing) 

Thanks for reading! Looking specifically for feedback if any of the lines weren’t funny, and in what ways you relate to the character (if at all).

I’m looking for a critique partner who also writes comedy. It’s hard to find comedy writing groups so if you know any, please point me to them.

If you're inclined, check out /r/HighbrowCrap for more creative humor writing and my performances of select writings.

Previous Critique \[500\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/t44q2x/comment/hzd9sot/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/t44q2x/comment/hzd9sot/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[438] Airport Security Banned My Emotional Baggage! A parable on letting go