To be honest I read that it was supposed to be performed live after I wrote that so I guess it's fine.

Thank you for your feedback. Yes, consistent character style is something I am seeking to improve on, so I'll try focusing on the "tech bro" style since that seems to be working.

> Speaking generally, I feel you could've put in a small amount of setting to help us see what's going on as I had nothing to picture except the guy's voice. 

Given that this would be performed live, what additional details would be helpful here? Should I add details about the character's clothing?

Hello, firstly let me say that idea is very clever and has bucketloads of potential. Your writing itself was pretty good in parts too although some way off what I'd expect to read in a published piece.

Speaking generally, I feel you could've put in a small amount of setting to help us see what's going on as I had nothing to picture except the guy's voice. And speaking of voice, it felt like you were trying to imitate a great showman "roll up! roll up!" etc, and you hit this well at times but infrequently and the voice felt a little generic. A more distinctive voice would've helped the funny lines hit better.

>God actually has some big blindspots.

The first line where I laughed. And the general idea that big tech is more omniscient than God is a hilarious concept that I feel you didn't expand on well enough outside of the above line. I don't think introducing Santa Claus was a useful distraction. You could've just made clever riffs on big tech knowing too much about you - a hot butto

"We can make them virgins!" Nice. I love finding something a little different on here.

The only thing, a very little thing, that stood out to me was this sentence in the first paragraph of the second core differentiator — "Little known fact, God can only talk to one person at a time, which does not scale at all."

It's minuscule, but I feel the voice of the "preacher pitching" dims a little. When I saw him up there saying that, it was as if he were standing in profile to the listener, being a bit too passive in contrast.

Something like — "Little known fact: God can only talk to one person at a time. And that doesn't scale." Why? I feel a little more attitude, confidence in that sentence. I see the Preacher-pitcher raising his eyebrow a little, nodding a little, when he says "And that doesn't scale at all." It just another dig at those he's aiming to supplant (it emphasises the sentence that little bit more, imo).

Yeah, I liked it, had a smirk at a few lines. Good for what it was and

I found this story to be entertaining. Having a god app would be pretty cool. I don't have much bad to say about it. I would love it if you would flesh out more information about what the app does for the police and stuff like that. I feel like it has a lot of potential for crime as well as someone who be given the choice to rob a bank instead of going to their mother and they may take that choice. The question is: who is god? Us or the app that enhance us?

Title: [476] dAIs ex machina - the new God App
Genre: Satire
Time Period: present day

This is a script for a satirical start-up investor's pitch for an app that replaces God. It is meant to be performed live.

As a humor piece, I am particularly looking for feedback on which parts you found or did not find funny. Also what social commentary you interpreted from it and how it landed for you.

Link [476]: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13bLUyvDwaByz-LZ_CqH7-TmPXty6NAVbDd-YiSClf30/edit?usp=sharing

If you liked that, check out r/HighbrowCrap for more creative humor writing and my performances of select writings.

Critique of another work [500]: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tduw95/comment/i0o5oht