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r/DestructiveReaders•
writesdingus

[1710] Mr. Jones Down on the Ground: Nelson's Chapter

horror

Hi Hi,

This is a chapter of a novel I'm working on called Mr. Jones Down on the Ground. This chapter is pretty much the end of Act I. All that you need to know up until this point is below:

The Carters have never gotten along with their neighbor, Mr. Jones, but that didn't mean they wanted him dead. On the night of Nyree Carter's (21) graduation party, she witnesses Mr. Jones death and together with her brother, Nelson (19), and her father, Abe (44), she hides her involvement in it.

This chapter takes place from her brother Nelson's perspective as the he tries to sleep directly following covering up the body.

Nelson's Chapter

[1911][3158]

Posted Mar 16, 2022, 4:22 PM UTC · edited

119
bartosio•

I would like to preface this by saying that I only just started to get into writing, so take this critique with a grain of salt.

#Plot

I think the plot is the strongest thing you have going here. There are so many mystery elements jampacked in here. First is Nelson's conversation with his sister, you can't make out exactly what she means, but there is just enough revealed to make us this that she is racked with guilt, or at least that's the impression I got. This made me want to read on as it posed these interesting questions; who was she really talking to? Who wanted this? What was she forced to do in order to satisfy the other person? This is just one of the plot points that you have the reader have questions about, the other most glaring one is the one of Mr. Jones' death. One thing that I will mention is that I think too little is revealed about Nelson's involvement in his death. Apart from knowing that Nelson witnessed the body, (on account of his blood description) I am really not sure about the level of his involvement. I feel like Nelson needs to be portrayed more as an actor rather than a reactor to the plot. What I mean by that is that right now Nelson is just reacting to events happening around him, Nyree's conversation, the loud banging, even Mr. Jones' death. If Nelson is going to be given a voice, and a be a viewpoint character I would like to see him become more involved. Otherwise he will just be a vehicle for Nyree's story, and at that point I would rather get her viewpoint.

#Character

I think that you have a great way of showing multiple character traits with a single line of condensed speech.

The little boy smiled up at the man and had a beauty mark, just like N.J.’s, on his right cheek. After almost a year of not hearing from his brother, Nelson liked the idea that N.J. might be safe up in heaven.

From this scene of Nelson stealing one of the angels from Mr. Jones, I learnt that Nelson looked up to his brother (who is now dead or estranged it seems), is an impulsive person, as well as giving an description of N.J.

Now what didn't work so well for me was the character of Nelson; he seems to be a lot younger than 19 for the way that he is written, for example:

sixty pound bags of fertilizer from one end of the yard to the other

but in this line he is carrying 60 pounds of fertilizer, so he is clearly a man of some stature, in this case wouldn't he at least attempt to protect his sister? His older father? Seeing as he just might be the most athletic of the family?

he cabinet he couldn’t touch became a thrilling mystery. Nelson imagined guns and diamonds hidden from CIA agents or bones piled amongst dried skin. Eventually, he settled on an idea more reasonable. Angels.

In this line again, Nelson possesses great imagination, coming up with creative stories to make his ordinary life more interesting. This to me again seems to be a trait more common in a child rather than a teenager.

He crushed the blanket in his fists, imagining the SWAT teams taking quiet steps up the stairs.

This would be a childlike reflex to literally hide under the bed, and the guy is meant to be 19? This is also an example of his apparently heightened imagination, opting for the more creative rather than grounded explanation.

He finished the water in the cup on his bedside table and pressed the damp rim to the wall. Nelson wasn’t sure if there was any science behind it.

One final example of Nelson's childlike nature. This time it's inquisitive, he wants to find out more about the world and often wonders about small things like this. This callow gesture again points to Nelson being younger than he is meant to be, or at the very least inexperienced about the world.

#Setting

This is a part that I also found quite lacking. We get no descriptions of almost anything. There are descriptions of Jones' house, the angels, his flowers; however, there are almost no other clues in the text as to what anything looks, or feels like. For example, during the section when Nelson talks to his sister, we don't know what the room looks like. There are no descriptions of what his blanket feels like, how far the creaking door is from his bed. When writing suspense, you do a great job of building tension, of showing us the character's thoughts and feelings. However, these seem to take place in a vacuum, not surrounded by anything. By adding some setting, for example telling us just how close the opening door is to Nelson's bed we could get the sense of immediate danger, heightening the drama. Or when he is clutching his blanket, we could get a description of it being slightly rugged, with even this small comfort not providing relief. When I read a story, I look for little descriptions like these to place myself in a scene. I could reasonably imagine Nelson doing yard work for Mr. Jones, but I probably have a different idea of what that looks like than you. I didn't feel the hot sun on my skin, the mosquitoes biting his neck, or the wet grass soaking water into his boots. I think you would benefit from including more descriptions that include senses other than sight, it would help your readers immerse themselves in the story.

3
writesdingusOPliterally just trynna vibe•

I would like to preface this by saying that I only just started to get into writing, so take this critique with a grain of salt.

lol, everyone here always says that. Its the author's job to decide which feedback is useful and which isn't so you don't need to worry.

One thing that I will mention is that I think too little is revealed about Nelson's involvement in his death. Apart from knowing that Nelson witnessed the body, (on account of his blood description) I am really not sure about the level of his involvement.

The chapter directly before this one is an account of what happened where the reader will see Nelson's involvement.

Now what didn't work so well for me was the character of Nelson; he seems to be a lot younger than 19 for the way that he is written

Nelson is supposed to feel young and immature. I hope I haven't overdone it. He is inexperienced about the world and wasn't given an avenue to find his own voice growing up for *r*e*a*s*o*n*s* but I think I'm going to try and age him up a little.

I think you would benefit from including more descriptions that include senses other than sight, it would help your readers immerse themselves in the story.

This is true. Good insight.

1
Infinite-diversity•

[1/4]

A warning: I tend to ramble during my justifications. I only do this as I want to be clear why I am highlighting/suggesting a specific excerpt. Also, I'm only picking out the things that I think are good or bad, so you can assume that anything I've ignored is fine.

FIRST READ

This is pretty good. Your pacing is on point. There's a few typos, but that's nothing. You are very precise with your words and none feel wasted. Your characterisation of Mr. Jones was very strong (in both his physical description and attitude, I could imagine him immediately). Nelson was consistent. I particularly admire your control over the narrative distance, and how that then compliments the rising tension. I wasn't a fan of the "but it was all just a dream" moment, although it is justifiable considering how Nelson feels. The prose was very easy to get through, exactly what I expect and want when reading genre fiction. However, the tone was a little "YA". I don't have access to the rest of your story though, that could be precisely what you're going for.

THE CHARACTERS & THEIR DIALOGUE

I've decided to start here only because it was the first thing to jump out at me. I won't be doing Nyree or their father (obviously, nothing really to go on).

Mr Jones:

[...] Mr. Jones muttering in his ear nonstop.

Immediately strong characterisation. We've all (probably) met this man in our lives, and that strong sense of familiarity is a great way to introduce him.

“Meant I didn’t have to repeat myself every ten seconds…Boy!”

I highlighted this specifically for the ellipse which leads into his saying "Boy!" It was a very calculated thing for you to do. It shows that Mr. Jones was attempting to belittle Nelson, rather than this just being who he is. It's as if he enjoys it.

Nelson dropped the bag and the impact on the ground cut a tear straight down the middle. “Mr. Jones, please don’t go talking about my Pops. He’s letting me come over here moving all this stuff around for you.”  ||| “Now look what you did,” Mr. Jones shouted.

This is where the character fails ever so slightly. I am led to believe Mr. Jones has his attention on Nelson completely (muttering in his ear). And you've shown that Mr. Jones is actively searching for reasons to berate Nelson (...Boy!). So I would expect Mr. Jones' dialogue (Now look what you did) to come immediately after Nelson drops the bag and before Nelson reprimands him. It could be argued that Mr. Jones was angry about the tear and he hadn't seen that, but, from how I'm perceiving this character, I believe he would have spoken up immediately, regardless of the bag's condition (it was an opportunity he would have seized).

The anger leached out.

You don't need this. You could achieve the same thing by changing "Mr. Jones' voice changed then." to something like "Mr. Jones' face relaxed then." I understand that this is a flashback sequence, but having the narrator identify a change in a character—Mr. Jones' voice in this case—before it has actually happened seems a bit stilted to me. Although I would have accepted it if the voice changing line led directly into his own dialogue (Mr Jones' voice changed then: “I’ve got to get this to. . ."). Even then I'd still recommend incorporating the following description of his voice (quietly … the smallest whine).

so he could tighten the shelves which shook when Mr. Jones slammed his cane down to walk.

A trait of Mr Jones' used as justification for something you are using to characterise Nelson. It's subtle, but those subtleties elevate a story. Nice.

Mr. Jones commanded, the snarl back on his face.

In a few short paragraphs you built the character, made me feel a familiar contempt, and then had me sympathise with him. I would like to understand him more, on a personal level. Questions of why is (was) he so rotten? He needs help with his day-to-day life, and must('ve) be(en) lonely. Everything that would be best "shown" was shown (cane, waddle, furrowing eyes). You were very successful with Mr. Jones and I suspect that this isn't even the true introduction of his character (A nyree chapter, drunk driving?).

Nelson:

It ain’t right, Nelson told himself. You don’t just leave somebody like that. .

Straight into the action. His stand on the matter is clear. No messing about.

Guilt grabbed hold of Nelson at Mr. Jones’ soft tone.  ||| “I-I’m sorry, sir. I can pick it up and—”

It's okay. Nelson has reacted in the same manner as the reader therefore allowing the reader to identify with Nelson. My only grievance is with how it was done. "Guilt grabbed hold" feels like a cop out. "Nelson retreated from Mr. Jones' soft tone" or "Nelson winced at Mr. Jones' soft tone" would show the guilt (sort of… I'd prefer to use a more accurate verb but I can't think of one).

He wasn’t a thief. Not in the real way. He sometimes did take things when no one was looking like packs of gum and Gatorade.

Judging by the changing viewpoint characters between chapters, and the close 3rd you're using, I'm going to assume that you are using your narrator as a further extension of the current character in focus (the narrator is a lens being coloured by Nelson). With that in mind,    I love the sentence "Not in the real way." It's a justification. It shows us where he is willing to draw lines. And that seems like it will be an integral point throughout your story. Very good.

2
Infinite-diversity•

[2/4]

Nelson had pocketed one of them angels. Usually, he’d swipe stuff without giving much thought as to why. He didn’t sell stuff he took. Sometimes he didn’t even keep it. But Nelson knew why he grabbed that angel.

This entire paragraph is gold. Tone is on point. The short sentences have it read exactly like the thought process Nelson would have when asking himself why he steals. It works wonderfully with the excerpt above (a contradiction to "not being a real thief"). And it also offers a smooth and organic transition into the following.

The little boy smiled up at the man and had a beauty mark, just like N.J.’s, on his right cheek. ||| After almost a year of not hearing from his brother, Nelson liked the idea that N.J. might be safe up in heaven.

This isn't bad at all, and I know that this suggestion will be entirely personal to me, but I think you should remove the angel having a birthmark similar to N.J.. The detail, technically, adds nothing as the following sentence implies Nelson's thought process itself. I think it would be stronger without the detail. An object that bears a resemblance to his brother does "justify" why he took it, but an object that loosely reminds him of his brother and a moment they shared, which he then stole, is a little pathetic, pathetic in the pitiable sense. The reader will still understand the moment and someone who is reading very closely will find another layer to latch on to. It's almost pointlessly risky, I know. The smarter option is to do it how you have, and how you did it is perfectly fine (a lot of effort for a very small suggestion, my bad).

How was there so much blood in a person? Nelson thought. He saw the liquid. Shiny, thick liquid. He didn't know blood got dark like black paint.

I start to have a possible problem with Nelson's characterisation from this point forward. Nelson is nineteen. Despite being nineteen, he starts acting like a fourteen year old. For example,

Nelson sat up, rubbed his face, and knocked twice on the wall he shared with Nyree.

Why doesn't Nelson just get up and go to his sister's room? It's a cute thing he does here, and it gives us some enriching back story, but I really struggle to believe it. I understand that it needs to happen for the following part of the scene to work. With it being a dream and all (even though that is unknown to the reader), I can maybe suspend myself as dream logic is very different. But even then it still feels like the scene is forced, as if this entire action exists solely for what is coming next. I would suggest something like having Nelson go to his door first, finding it inexplicably locked (how odd), and then going to the wall, but doing this does hinder the flow (handling the flow being one of your stronger skills) and would force you to prematurely initiate the tension to come. Although… you do go on to—

When she didn’t respond right away, Nelson deflated. Right. Why would she? They were too old for that now. Nyree probably slept with no problems, with all her bad feelings sewed up. Nelson was stuck with his.

—to call attention to his immaturity and then use it effectively. Being a bit immature could just be how he is, and if that's the case you've been doing it perfectly. But him not just going to his sister's room does still feel forced. Actually, you could just insert a little line explaining how the floorboards creak exceptionally loud, and how that would cause his father to wake up and freak out. That works with both what we know about his dad and lets the reader know why they used to do the whole knocking thing in the first place (I was going to edit this ramble down upon my suggestion that you should add a "floorboards" line in, but I'm still unsure whether Nelson's immaturity is intended or not; if it is, great, add the clarifying line and the "forced" issue dissolves; if it isn't,  then it is something you're going to have to consider further).

Nelson smiled, relieved. Compared to Nyree, Nelson was slow. She stayed calm when he reacted and it made him feel nervous, like bomb about to go off. But, Nyree couldn’t sleep either. So he was ok.

The big sister/little brother dynamic. Nelson is a fine character. He has his complexities (his sister, his brother, his proclivity to randomly steal, and, possibly, his immaturity). And 99% of the time he acts believably. (I'm not going to continue with the remainder of your story in this section as it seems more pertinent to the core narrative.)

2
Infinite-diversity•

[3/4]

SETTING, STAGING, AND THE MISCELLANEOUS MECHANICS

There is a "hook" and it's fine. I expect that what this hook is hooking onto is already established in the previous chapters, so it's not really a hook. Your settings are sparse. These are familiar areas to the cast and we are five chapters in, the heavy lifting in terms of setting and staging are already done. However, the flashback sequence in Mr. Jones' garden gives the impression of a place we haven't seen before, and I see this as a missed opportunity. I stated earlier about the questions now posed regarding Jones-y boy. You can imply some answers with some tactical description (but obviously not in the garden, Mr. Jones takes pride in his petunias). The blackened lock could symbolise neglect, implying lethargy, implying loneliness and sadness… but this, to me, suggests he has just been practicing the occult for a long time now (transforming people that don't belong to him and shit). I'm guessing the other places that appear in this chapter are fleshed out. 

How your characters interact with the environment is great though. The single grievance I have is here:

Crunching static assaulted his ears at a volume he didn’t know his phone reached. Nelson tossed his device away without hanging up.

Where did he toss it? Floor, wall, slightly further down the bed. Toss is a weird word. Was the drop involuntary because of the noise. The way it's phrased is ambiguous. I assumed he did some involuntary, spasmodic jerk, tossing the phone clear of his bed (body trained on the door, expecting the bed to be horizontal on the door's adjacent wall, tosses the phone over the side). It's a stupid little thing, I know. But it disoriented me when he had magically retrieved it for the alarm.

PLOT!

I would like to take a guess at the previous chapters before moving into the contents of this one. I think Mr. Jones is an occultist. I think he kidnapped N.J. and turned him into an angel. Maybe he tried to take Nyree, too, though she (possibly including Nelson and their father) fought back. But this doesn't really make sense. If that were the case then surely they would include the police. I think it's more likely that Nylee was driving back drunk from the graduation party when she plowed old Jones-y down with her motor vehicle. The guys came out and knew what this would mean. So they dragged Mr. Jones away somewhere, yet all the while he was planting some curse on them. Shit is gonna get chaotic. Horror stuff happens. The locked door, break in, reverse the situation, get baby bro back, and everyone lives peacefully and silently with there murder as Mr. Jones kinda had that coming anyway.

Your story is good. It feels too YA for something I would personally read. But it is certainly a decent idea. In one short chapter you have successfully given me a large handful of questions I'd be interested in finding the answers for. If you've searched for feedback on this chapter because you feel it's the worst in the novel, then great, to the right audience you will have created a sellable product.

PROSE

This'll be short. There are very few things bugging me. It's all a matter of taste anyway. Your prose is very good, this is just me trying to be thorough. Feel free to skip it.

Nelson did not sleep. Adrenaline pulsed through his veins and even though sweat broke out on his forehead, his hands shook under the blankets.

You should put a period between "through his veins" and "and even though". It's got a better rhythm and it suits the intensity of the situation.

Visions of Mr. Jones, stomach down on the floor, burst behind his eyelids when he closed them.

These are, arguably, comma splices. And I believe "whenever he closed them" would work better as it suggests he is actively trying not to close them. "When" makes it seem like a matter-of-fact thing.

[...] to repeat myself every ten seconds…Boy!” he screeched.

"Screeched" works against Mr. Jones here. "he boomed" would be perfect here. Why? One completely minuscule reason. The "boy!" comes after the ellipse, it's separated. Consider this in conjunction with what I said earlier about this paragraph: Mr. Jones drops that boy like a bomb… it boomed.

“Mr. Jones, please don’t go talking about my Pops. He’s letting me come over here moving all this stuff around for you.”

Change "He's" at the start of the second sentence to "He is". It changes the meaning/tone of the sentence to "He is, after all, letting me com. . ." Slightly implied italics through context. "He's" sounds like a whimper—Nelson is immature, he doesn't want to be there, this subtle slip in attitude works.

“I’ve got to get this to the right beds before it rains tomorrow morning," he said quietly with the smallest whine.

Why not something like, "he whimpered/whispered through a shallow/small whine." It feels contrived as it is.

Nelson scuttled through the house to the front door. He wasn’t a thief. Not in the real way. He sometimes did take things when no one was looking like packs of gum and Gatorade. But,  Mr. Jones didn’t keep anything good in his house. Only fresh flowers in vases and dried ones pressed on the wall.

This is a very small rhythmic thing again. Compare these and decide if I'm justified in my opinion: "Nelson scuttled through the house to the front door. He wasn’t a thief. Not in the real way. He sometimes did take things when no one was looking, like packs of gum and Gatorade. But  Mr. Jones didn’t keep anything good in his house. Only fresh flowers in vases and dried ones pressed on the wall."

2
Infinite-diversity•

[4/4]

[...] armoire [...]

j'adore un peu de français au hasard, but I don't see its necessity (unless of course we're in Canada… in which case, go wild with it. It's enriching).

The metal had blacked so much.

Specifically for the process of metallic oxidation, the correct usage is "blackened".

Nelson walked back home and told his pops he got fired, then didn’t see Mr. Jones for months. Until tonight.

You are more than capable of finding a way to do this re-establishing transition without the "Until tonight." This feels cheap.

Usually, she knocked back twice too for “right here.”

A slight shift in case and its implications. As it reads currently, it suggests that she always knocked back without fail. "And then she could knock back twice" removes that rigidity. (Was she never once angry with him as a child?)

Nelson searched his brain. The next step in their language was four knocks, not two. “I'm here for you” they’re supposed to mean.

Whilst it is easy to deduce that the "I'm here for you" was the "four knocks" (four words, four knocks), it's also not too much of a stretch to attribute the translation to the "two knocks". "The next step in their language was four knocks, “I'm here for you”. Not two." <— clears up any possible misunderstanding.

Nelson scrambled for his phone and typed Nyree’s number with frantic fingers.

This is one of those times when an adverb is permissible, encouraged even.

[...] imagining the SWAT teams taking quiet steps up the stairs.

"Imagining the SWAT team sneaking up the stairs". Just more direct.

Every few minutes, a soft knock came from his sister's wall. Nelson could hear her on the other side, her mumbling like rodents scratching at plaster.

Saying "Every few minutes," kind of dirties the pacing (dreams don't allow you to wait). "Soft knocks came sporadically from Nylee's side of their wall."

CONCLUSION

I've already said everything I possibly can. 5/10 for my subjective rating. Objectively, for what it is and what it is wanting to do, it's the 5th, maybe 6th, best piece of work I've read on here. I've read a lot of stuff on here since I found it. Thanks for sharing! (Sorry if I've repeated myself.)

2
writesdingusOPliterally just trynna vibe•

I wasn't a fan of the "but it was all just a dream" moment, although it is justifiable considering how Nelson feels.

For sure, it isn't technically a dream if that helps at all? this really did happen and the chapter immediately after this shows Nelson attempting to get his family to recognize that.

However, the tone was a little "YA". I don't have access to the rest of your story though, that could be precisely what you're going for.

Eep, that is not supposed to be the case.

The detail, technically, adds nothing as the following sentence implies Nelson's thought process itself.

That is totally true. All your line edits have been great but this is really awesome thanks.

Being a bit immature could just be how he is, and if that's the case you've been doing it perfectly.

Nelson is immature and cautious and is supposed to come off a little younger than 19 due to his upbringing but I'm worried I've gone to far in the other direction.

I think it's more likely that Nylee was driving back drunk from the graduation party when she plowed old Jones-y down with her motor vehicle. The guys came out and knew what this would mean. So they dragged Mr. Jones away somewhere, yet all the while he was planting some curse on them. Shit is gonna get chaotic. Horror stuff happens. The locked door, break in, reverse the situation, get baby bro back, and everyone lives peacefully and silently with there murder as Mr. Jones kinda had that coming anyway.

Good guesses! Mr. Jones is not so horrible and Nyree is not so innocent as that. My"single-but-actually-two sentence" plot for the snowflake method is: A family, still reeling from the disappearance of their youngest son, attempts to heal old wounds after daughter Nyree’s deadly mistake. As strange occurrences begin to rattle their family, the Carters learn Mr. Jones is one secret that won't stay buried with all the others.

Objectively, for what it is and what it is wanting to do, it's the 5th, maybe 6th, best piece of work I've read on here.

Thats very nice and I am going to implement a ton of these changes. I'm actively looking for critique partners so if you're ever in the mood to jump into a few chapters, let me know!

2
Tai_D_Hunter•

Hello there. I don't critique often, so I'm a little rusty at all of this. I actually started this critique yesterday but I couldn't get to completing it because of work. I've also only come back to this sub very recently so I'm gonna play it safe and just use the original format critique for this. That being said, I really enjoyed this piece of work. I'll get into the stuff I liked, and of course, the things that need to be critiqued.

GENERAL REMARKS

As I mentioned above, I liked your work. I haven't read your previous chapters but if they are as consistent as this, I believe you have real potential. The plot was interesting and the tension rising in the final parts of the chapter was riveting. However, I was kind of bummed when I found out he was just dreaming. I know it is your story and you have the freedom to do as you please, but it felt like you blew the balloon only to pop it. I'm sure you did this for a reason anyway. The characters felt real, spoke real and reacted real (in almost every scene). This really helped me immerse myself in the story. I did comment on some errors (and weird sentence structures that I thought sounded "off") in your work that I found, but you can clean that up easy-peasy.

MECHANICS

I'm just going to focus on sentence structures that I thought could be worded better or sound off (at least in my opinion)

Adrenaline pulsed through his veins and even though sweat broke out on his forehead, his hands shook under the blankets

When you mention that "even though his sweat broke out his forehead", I don't see the correlation that has with his hands shaking under the blankets. Does this infer that although the sweat was supposed to cool him down, his hands could not stop shivering? I don't know if I'm being pedantic but I think this could be reworded.

I noted a lot of other ones in the document so there is no point in reiterating it here.

SETTING/STAGING

Okay, so I think you do the setting (for the flashback with Mr. Jones) well. When Nelson was talking with Mr. Jones, I had a vivid imagination of the garden setting, Mr. Jones' home and everything in between there. What I think could have been done better with this is describing (even if only briefly) how and what Nelson felt when he was gardening or when he entered the house.

Nelson had no love for the old man, but you don’t just leave people dying like that.

We get a clear description of Nelson's feelings towards Mr. Jones before the flashback here, but there were times where you could have amplified his hatred (or lack of love) for Mr. Jones in sentences like these:

"You ain’t stupid boy, are you? You thick in the skull like your father?” Nelson dropped the bag and the impact on the ground cut a tear straight down the middle.

“Mr. Jones, please don’t go talking about my Pops. He’s letting me come over here moving all this stuff around for you.”

I understand that "show, don't tell" is important as you show his emotions through him dropping the bag and his response immediately after. But for some readers it may land flat. We don't know how he responded. In what manner did Nelson reply to Mr. Jones? I can infer that it was fairly calm, but little descriptions on Nelson's feelings can make him even more personalised than he already is. This may just be your style of writing, but my I hope critique on this is food for thought.

I really like how the three characters speak. They feel and sound distinct. Mr. Jones sounds like an American born and raised in the South, and Nelson does too but not to such a high pedigree in dialect (I'm not American so I can be entirely wrong but I think it's the South that sound like this).

Now onto the what Nelson should be feeling. More description would have really brought this piece to even more life! Describing what Nelson felt when he was outside working in the garden would do wonders. Was it hot or cold? Was he thirsty from all the work and ready to steal another one of Mr. Jones' Gatorades to quench his thirst? There are many little descriptions that could have been used to make this really pop out. Where I think description was really needed was in Nelson's home/room. As much as I loved the piece, I literally thought he was against his sisters door, not her wall. I only found that out on the second read (but that is my fault for not paying closer attention instead). As good as the dialogue is, bringing the house to life with a little more description isn't a necessity but it would compliment your work nicely.

CHARACTERS

As I said earlier, I think you handled your characters really well. Nelson was a fairly impulsive and straight-forward. I like how you compare Nelson to Nyree. She seems to be the opposite of him (although we don't get much interaction from her this chapter, but that is fine since it is through Nelson's POV). Mr. Jones is the driving force of this chapter and creates most (if not all) of the internal and external conflict Nelson has to go through.

​

The figurine—placed at the very back of the shelf—was of a boy angel sitting with an adult. Both read from the same bible. The little boy smiled up at the man and had a beauty mark, just like N.J.’s, on his right cheek.

I really liked how you handled Nelson's brother N.J. Although it seems as though he is dead or missing or whatever, you poked in small bits and pieces about his brother that shed light on N.J, how Nelson viewed him and how Mr. Jones viewed him. Comparisons between him and the angelic figures seemed to represent his good and helpful nature since even Mr. Jones seemed to tolerate him when he worked for him. It also didn't feel forced, and flowed in the story very appropriately and actually added somewhat to the characters.

Where I think your characters (or POV character in this case which is Nelson) could really pop out is by using action beats. So what I mean is descriptive action words or thoughts that help reveal subtext or tone in for Nelson (or any other character). The dialogue is really good in your work but the pacing is really fast at points and I really want to know what Nelson is feeling in between some of the dialogue.

CLOSING COMMENTS

As I said earlier, I enjoyed the piece. There are some minor errors that need to be fixed and hopefully you can add a thing or two from my critique if you found it helpful. I would talk about plot and pacing but I didn't find much that needed to be improved upon it (other than the deflating ending in my opinion, but hey, its your story). I hope to see more of your work in the future!

1