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r/OCPoetry•
cascadegaming

Malfunction Man

Poem

I operate in opposites,

My programming commands,

Sometimes my heart beats double,

Or my brain won't stay my hand.

The nerves that fire quickly,

Are the first to fight or flight,

But the thought that travels after,

Doesn't tell the wrong from right.

I'll process too much data,

and then overclock my head,

I'll reset my priorities,

and start new tasks instead.

At times my coolant curdles,

I begin to overheat,

My firewall won't catch all of

the bugs I must delete.

I'll stop to charge my batteries,

When I should be working hard,

Defense systems get going,

When I could let down my guard.

On hardly healthy hardware,

I run through lines of code,

Meanwhile, my circuitry

Begins to overload.

Replace my missing pieces all,

With dreary, dried up dross,

Installed in wrong directions,

Rivets loose and wires crossed,

I'm nothing but a defect,

A malfunctioning man,

My prime directive now is

Just to function while I can.

Initiate self destruct failsafe...?

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Posted Mar 19, 2022, 7:39 PM UTC

45
Sword__of__Damocles•

Interesting and unique topic! I really like the way this poem is layer out, the content really helps to give a unique perspective being self critical.

Minor quibbles: maybe remove the “and” in the then overclock my head for better flow. The “the” in the wrong from right makes wrong feel like an infraction instead of a moral quality which I think you’re trying to convey, consider removing. Batteries might be better as fuel cells, it makes the subject more human and less tv-remotey

Last not is to maybe consider slowly breaking down the rhyming. Maybe begin ab ab or something and then and with a-a- off rhyme as the man malfunctions over the course of the poem.

Love this, really enjoyable to read :) cheers

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cascadegamingOP•

Thanks for the input. I will get rid of the "and" in that line and I think "fuel cells" does work better than "batteries"

I did think about going away from the scheme. I have a tendency to be very rigid in my structures because I'm so used to writing lyrics to pair with music. Could be a fun challenge to rewrite in a different style.

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multivitamintaker•

Some beautiful and smart choices of alliteration!

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thevoidcaptain•

I like this piece. The topic is just uncommon enough to be considered original while still being common to any reader. Very relatable, is what I mean(?) to say. I really enjoy the alliteration through out. Really aided to the fluidity of the piece. Here though I feel that laminar flow of the poem is disrupted at the line “replace my missing pieces all” this line reads like a speed bump. Disrupting the cadence, although you do get your feet back under you after a few more lines. That and the ultimate line “initiate self destruct fail safe…?” Are my only real qualms. Not sure about ending this poem with a clunky question…? Again I appreciate the alliterations and the easy flow coupled with the idea of a reflexive automaton.

Good work keep it up

-capt

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