This Isn't A Poem
This isn't just a poem.
It's much more than that, alright?
The world is missing something.
And that something is a light.
.
That light sure was dwindling.
It was fading for a while.
The bulb was all burnt down.
Now it sits broken in a pile.
.
You gave up on the light.
Thought it had nothing left to give.
But see, that's where you're wrong.
You have so much left to live.
.
You've kept the light in hiding.
It's been gone for far too long.
Don't worry that it's not perfect.
I believe in you, you're strong.
.
That light gives hope to others.
It tells us we're not alone.
It's scary to share it though.
But you're never on your own.
.
Search inside and find that light.
The damage is over and done.
But just know that it can be fixed.
And we will mend it back as one.
.
That wasn't just a poem.
Figured out what's not right?
You've been the something that's missing.
Now go show the world your light.
.
Posted Mar 20, 2022, 11:14 PM UTC
Okay, I think I got it, and it is amazingly well executed. It all revolves around the tone and certain pronoun that isn't mentioned in the end, all of it playing with the concept of poetic tone and familiarity, to both the speaker and the reader. Its incredibly effective and affirming, just the tiniest bit clunky and yet its purposefully open. It draws the reader in until they realize what has happened and motivated to follow the instruction. Amazing job.
With all that praise said....I feel like the twist is better than the rest of the poem. I mean absolutely no disrespect to the piece of as a whole or what is being accomplished, but the ending surmounts the rather quotidian and casual imagery. Yes, I know, that's the whole point, but still...I'd loved to see this pushed. I'd love to see if the speaker can get to a place where the images and language are a little more distinct but still just as relatable, to find that intermediary point between abstract and idiom that allows the speaker to stay in their own head space but feel like they've been somewhere else. Its the last breach, I feel, this poem needs to cross to become something truly special.
I realize what I've asked, and I know its hard. But there is too much on this page not to push it just a bit further. But if this is done, its done and you made something really, really cool.
You are incredible for having such a detailed, authentic and honest comment. Thank you beyond any measure. I am always open to any constructive criticism, edits and feedback since i only spend an hour or so on these pieces before publishing them. So I have a question for you...how would you like to help create your vision you mentioned? I've pulled thoughts and creative expressions from others before to help guide me along the way as I'm still learning just as much as anyone else out there. I'd love to hear more from you! Thank you for stopping by and happy writing!
I don't think I'm the best person for that kind of exercise. Most of my work focuses on going to an alien place and coming just far enough back to make it legible. My last few pieces have just barely made sense to anyone other than myself. If I were to offer one piece of advice, though, and I realize it sounds really simplistic but there's so much tied to the politics of language, it would be this: what is your 'light'? What is the image, word, and/or phrase that at its core is your experience, your image, your language that encapsulates everything you intend with 'light'? When we look for synonyms, what we are looking for is one we have a deeper connection to, either fitting the form or idea to better express our own personal definition. When you have that image, I feel you'll be able to draft this around that image and the connotations and denotations associated with it as you will explored all the connections and found one that better suits your own diction and lexicon.