what we are we are and that is what we are expected to be, do not feel guilty

Poem

For a man is the indentation he leaves after slumber

and when he sleeps; it is the nest of hair around his brain.

When he wakes it is the same nest, wet,

clogging the drain,

the water chasing water.

For a man is the momentum of days.

He is the foot at which a dog might sit

Without command

That is what it is;

For a man

For it is God that makes criminals of men

After showing them what they are not born to be.

From dissimilar molds we all must sleep

and after slumber

our souls do keep

a flame renamed:

the best of dreams wrapped round our brains,

lest we chase ourselves, ourselves

down cheap and dirty drains

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/tfvyii/calling_in_sick/i0z56ub/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ti30mo/malfunction_man/i1eog0t/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Posted Mar 22, 2022, 2:57 PM UTC

13
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1
Felouria•

"For a man is the indentation he leaves after slumber"

Interesting line. It really makes the point that slumber, sleep, is what life revolves around. I like the word indentation, it makes it seem as though all our time is simply time eating into slumber. I love the next line, "it is the nest around his brain" although it confuses me as I don't know what "it" is referring to- the man, the sleep? Maybe say "there is a nest..."

I love that you do these adages that sort of melt into a morning ritual, going into a daily schedule. He sleeps, he wakes, he showers ('clogging the drain/water chasing water' is a great line), he is sitting wherever and there is a dog sitting at his foot.

"For a man is the momentum of days" is a great line. I practice Buddhism and we learn that everything is continuous with everything else. Nothing exists in a vacuum. Essentially, man is not different from days, time, experiences, he IS the experience, he is time passing, he is, as you say, the "momentum of days".

"For it is god that makes criminals of men/after showing them what they are not born to be" I like the idea that god creates criminals, because he creates everything, and thus he must create all evil as well.

"From dissimilar molds we must sleep" is a great line. Again tying into how man begins to carve his own path- first, being showed by god what is evil and what is good, then we differentiate ourselves.

"Lest we chase ourselves" doesn't make sense to me as I don't know what "lest" is referring to. Maybe try to make that make more sense. I would say just take out "lest"

​

Overall there's some great ideas, great lines. I really got something out of this poem and it's quite unique. I will say that it feels like a rough draft- it's clunky at parts, some stuff doesn't make sense. I will say maybe split up lines, but don't create stanzas. I think your poem is good without stanzas, as it is very stream of consciousness. You drop these truth bombs and while good, I think it would help if you had a clearer direction and basically a clearer overall theme and message. I'm not saying it has to be extremely focused on one exact idea, because this poem is kind of cool in how it travels from idea to idea. However, create a thread upon which one idea connects to the other.

Great job.

1
thevoidcaptainOP•

Thank you for the criticisms.

1