oh, sweet sunshine,
why do the people
worship these false gods
in their silly heads
instead of you?
you are real,
glowing,
appear everyday-
tangible.
you are our life source,
our energy,
our light,
our entirety.
yet,
the people take you for granted;
they don’t shower you.
in love,
or admiration.
no;
they leave that
for the fantasies
in their minds.
silly, hypnotized ego.
Posted Apr 6, 2022, 12:57 PM UTC · edited
Really great flow. And I agree with your sentiments. It’s kind of a juxtaposition of abstract and reality.
Good point and for thousands of years we did just that until “blind faith” came along.
This is has a nice flow to it:
You are our life source, our energy, our light, our entirety. yet, the people take you for granted;
I like the abruptness of “yet,” and how you flow into the next beat. Well done.
Solid flow with this poem, I didn't find myself struggling to keep pace with your emphasis. I hold the same pov with the lack of worship of such a prominent, life sustaining entity. I did notice the use of silly at the beginning and end, I'm a fan of variation in description. I'd say something along the lines of naive, or infantile to describe the ego.
Really good structure and good use of punctuation. I often find that a lot of people just kind of right, without any direction of flow. You do a really good job of spacing out your words and having a set cadence.
I love the structure of the poem and I also really like the word choice in this! I also really like the message in this of like “blind faith” and I love how the person speaking KNOWS that this other god-like person is the one to worship and not other gods!! :)
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I really like how you structured this poem, going from long lines to brief then back into long. I think it did a really nice job of adding graceful emphasis where it was needed. Nice work!!