Thanks for reading and appreciate the comment!

It has beautiful imagery and sentiment. I think you would benefit from punctuation, reducing the punchy phrased bits at the top (some) and deciding if that one accidental rhyme is worth it.

The way you manage to seamlessly weave in the coffee, cigarettes and rain multiple times in the poem without it getting boring is very good.  

I also like how a significant portion of the first section is in third person, where you're describing things from an apparently objective standpoint. And then around the middle of the poem, you switch to first person with the forceful "I used to lounge", that marks a turning point w.r.t. the personal nature of the subject matter that is to come, although there were shadows of it in the first section already. That is awesome!

Dark, I like it. Much in line with my recent pieces. It resonates a lot with my state of mind, and flows exceptionally well for a collection of loose words(a style I’m quite fond of)


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

Thanks for the criticism.  Much appreciated.

There are parts of your poem that I really enjoy- some of the evoked imagery is tender and filled with longing which is just *chef’s kiss.* I think that this poem is fairly personal- but to a point of detriment. I think that as an author/narrator the voice of the poem gives away too many internal thoughts. This would normally be a strength in poems but the way some of the language is used gives off the ick. The bit about not being the same kind is kinda heinous. Also, some of your rhymes feel thrown in just for the heck of it, because they fit or whatever. The slob rhyme wasn’t it chief. 
What I’m getting at is there is a lot here that can be dealt away with. Hone in on those tender moments and what the full feeling/emotion/meaning you want the poem to have. 

Keep on.

Holy mother of fuck dude. This is absolutely wonderful. The way the words seem to flow so well on the page (well, screen). One of my favorites I’ve seen on this sub. Great work

Thank you for reading and I appreciate your thoughts on the poem!

Opening & closing with reference to the rain frames this poem nicely. The rhymes in "scraping & molding / ebbing & flowing" are heat. The detail about the lantern with a base filled with shells is a strong personal detail that also lets us know where we're going to walk with you through the poem.

Thank you for your thoughts and for reading!  Interesting to hear about what you got out of it.  Thanks again!

I get the distinct feeling of grief here, but I do think it would be benefited from playing with the structure a bit. I do like that I can't really tell if it's a death or a breakup; I think that ambiguity in particular really elevates this piece. Regret really comes through as a theme , as it seem that the speaker just can't or won't move on. It has really good bones

Thank you! i hope you enjoy the one i just posted!

Hey thanks for the positivity, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

I love it. I would give slightly more detail about the cigarettes and the importance of them. I get the ambiance you're going for and it immediately comes to mind as you read it. Wonderful job and i can't wait to read more of your work.

Thank you for reading and providing your thoughts!  Much appreciated!

"Loose tobacco An ash tray A book of papers A lighter A coffee cup" 

*Love the internal scenes here. I like how abstract and yet grounded this is. If I had to suggest  something add "etcetera" (not ect. but the full word how it sounds.) “a so called writer, etcetera” Then put the rest right after just rearrange the stanzas.*

*"*Loose tobacco, An ash tray, a book of paper, A lighter,A coffee cup, a so called writer, *etcetera."*

**Rearranging example -stanzas:**

“A coffee cup, a so called writer, etcetera. A definite nutcase alone with coffee. 

Cigarettes and words. but the words can't describe what's in his mind, Tries to conjure up,

And remind”

DON’T change your words, perfect how they are 100%. but possibly rearrange stanzas and etc. Could be wrong, I just like a good flow/rhythm/golden ratio - but possibly the inconsistency is the point. So in that case it works beautifully.

Glad you could relate and thank you for your kind words!

This evokes the sentiments related to a poet or writer. The rain and coffee are best friends of a poet. There is poignance about a relationship. I can relate to what you wrote about after quitting your job. Nice poem.

Cheers!  Thank you for your time and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.  Will consider your suggestion.

Thank you for your thoughts.  This piece certainly isn't polished and there is room for change, but thought it was worth a share as is.  Thanks again!

Great piece. It speaks to an insecurity that I think many of us understand, and it does so in a beautiful way. Though I was drawn in by the hypnosis of the longer lines, I think the whiplash of the short phrases adds to the piece. They give it an edge that demands attention. 

I was fully sold by the casual rhyme scheme you adopted midway through, but my only criticism is that it was a little jarring to jump back and forth between styles. You didn't have to rhyme at all, but if you did, I would have preferred that you leaned into it more. Still, this is a minor issue

Very cool!  Thanks again for your thoughts.  I'll have to check out some of your stuff.

Well when I write poetry, and mine is a lot of the time pretty esoteric, I just want people to be able to hopefully see it the way I do. To hopefully strike the same chord in them that It did for me. Or if I wrote about a particular Idea or experience that they can in some way experience or feel it for themselves and in turn see who I am and that we truly do relate. And reading this just clicked. Talking about sitting outside on the porch with the girl, that part was really nice. It all just clicks though. Like I feel your emotions definitely translated well to me. But that’s because it’s well written and easily translatable therefore relatable. Good shit bro

Thank you for reading!  What emotions did the poem conjure up for you?

I really loved reading this, it had an earthy feeling around it at the get go with coffe and cigarettes, and then associating words with that really portrayed an aesthetic of words which is quite original, the bitterness of coffee, how its strongly related to mornings, emerging consciousness at the beginning of the day, representing routine, and cigarettes, something im less experienced with being a non smoker but i associate it with a down to earth aesthetic, it reminds of me t.s eliot's alfred prufrock which i've read somewhat recently. I got a strong impression with the colour of these two things being a deep rich brown, personally i would associate the two as being sort of associated with masculine ideals, contrasting (but also relating/bringing together) that with the white and black world of words was really beautiful to me.

I found some parts particularly relatable: 'the words cant describe whats in his mind' and 'the people in his life are not his kind' - feelings of isolation

&amp;#x200B;

It’s wet, but no more rain.

It’s morning, but not enough light.

I flip on the lamp whose base is filled with shells

collected by loved ones who no longer talk aloud.

Loose tobacco

An ash tray

A book of papers

A lighter

A coffee cup

A so-called writer

A definite nut case.

Alone with coffee,

Cigarettes,

And words.

But the words can’t describe what’s in his mind.

Although he tries to find,

Tries to conjure up and remind.

The people in his life are not his kind.

Used and abused, but he knows that the only one who should be accused is himself.

Life

The ocean slowly scraping away and molding.

The memories ebbing and flowing,

the waves crashing on the beach bringing little critters and jellyfish to the shore.

I used to lounge outside on the balcony of our apartment.

Drinking mostly.

Glancing in at you.

Dangling legs and playful feet.

Calling out to me to come inside and perhaps meet

you for a moment that promised to be sweet.

But I just let you be.

Sitting there watching TV.

I’m sure you remember how we used to fight.

Especially that one time late at night.

After I had quit another job,

You felt I was no more than a slob.

Unfortunately, I believed that you were right.

It’s still wet.

The rain returns,

drumming musically on the roof.

Coffee,

Cigarettes,

and words.

&amp;#x200B;

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/tzg2f6/comment/i3zh0zq/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/tzg2f6/comment/i3zh0zq/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/tzexwt/comment/i3zf7ij/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/tzexwt/comment/i3zf7ij/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Coffee, Cigarettes, and Words