This was very helpful, thank you! I'm pretty sure I can incorporate your suggestion about exterior environment with just a few extra words in the right places. 

I'll also change "Deputy Mitchell—Michelle back when..." to, "Deputy Mitchell—Michelle Mitchell back when..."

Wanted to say, 

>I pictured the scene as a night scene but I don’t know for sure why.

That I'm actually really happy about this because I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to give that mental imagery without straight out saying the obvious and cliche, "it was a dark and stormy night." I settled on, "Instead she was still here, still just herself, only *tonight* parked in front of the police station, scared to death and freezing her ass off." So I'm really pleased that imagery clicked in a very natural and unnoticeable way and seeing that effort pay off is super helpful going forward. 

Thank you again!

>Anyway, this is just my read of it. Feel free to ignore this note if none of your other readers are stumbling over the sentence.

Late, I know, but since I just saw this now, I wanted to chime in and say I thought the exact same thing when I first read it, so it's not just you. It was definitely the similarity between Michelle and Mitchell that did it for me.

##Darling Intro [Critique]

Okay, so I’m not certain how actionable my feedback is going to be, because (spoiler alert) I really enjoyed this sample. 

The prose is crisp and voice-y (more on that in a moment). The narrator is lowkey humorous which is a great register to tell a crime-thriller. I can see how you were aiming for a *Coen Bros* experience here. 

Best of all, you didn’t dawdle with too much exposition. Things escalated nicely after only a handful of breezy paragraphs. 

If I was an acquiring editor for a magazine and you sent me this, I’d be demanding to see the rest of the story. 

It’s sort of the ideal situation for an intro. The reader gets a character with a voice, an immediate situation that creates tension (“why is she outside a police station instead of on vacation?”), and cliff-hanger. All in a nicely wrapped 500-word package.  

So yeah, I really enjoyed this. 

Still I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least try to provide you with a couple notes for improvement (at le

Oh, I wanted to mention that the Lily Borden=Lizzie Borden thing was intentional. I originally had Lily Borden in scare quotes but took those out. It might not matter, you're probably right about it being an aged reference and I can achieve the same question just by saying the whispers would start about her again.

>I just felt aware of something despite being engaged. Does that make any sense at all? I finished and felt, well this can’t continue with this same level.

I've always had problems with my word count if that's what you mean. I have 21 scenes laid out for this but even the first two are only coming out to around 1500 words each. Its frustrating because I'll never be able to get a novella trad-published and will have to stick with indie. One of the things I usually look for is help in expanding scenes. 

>I think it just happens in a lot of movies as a device for allowing the civilian character access to LE stuff/knowledge that would otherwise be difficult to explain. As of now, with this very tiny segment, it set off a itchy scratch on the grey cortex of is it or isn’t it going to be trope-y. 

Well, it's not a detective novel if that helps. There won't be any sleuthing. Lily is too self-absorbed in her own grievances. The intro is also a flash forward, hopefully adding suspense and te

This is not for credit and being done on a mobile—apologies in advance for all my mistakes. Covid stuff basically means a lot of time hanging out in cars waiting around as a chauffeur instead of some tiger-helicopter. 

This is just one response, but I did read GenuineRoosterTeeth’s comments. For the most part I agree except for Michelle-Mitchell. Something about the law enforcement that makes deputy go with a last name. The em dash read correct to me and separated the knowing someone in their professional setting as well as the friends/long term/historical place. This is coming from someone who tends to read queer into things first and even trans. FTM can be really confusing. I wrote a story about a friend who is FTM (AFAB) and is attracted to non-binary. Through some absolutely weird shit of slang on dating apps, she ended up on a date with an FTM (first time mom) who was a lesbian. Things did not go well. Sorry for the tangent. 

A few silly thoughts:

Your intro is really short and

GENERAL REMARKS


Short and sweet, packed with nice, although sometimes long, sentences that conveyed the appropriate amount of information. I liked it. I don’t mind a run-on sentence that much, it could add a lot of flavour to a piece, which I appreciate. It didn’t come off as rushed to me, more like, maybe “manic”, sort of mirroring the upset state the MC is in. 


TITLE


Not much to say about the title, there is none, but I wonder if you have any ideas for what a possible title might be? Not that it matters, but it took me some time to check out your story because of the lack of a working title, at least. There’s no umbrella covering these scenes you’ve got? I would be interested to know. Is it simply Darling, like how you named chapter 1?


HOOK


Really enjoyed the first paragraph, it definitely drew me in. Especially the MC wanting to be someone else was interesting, because it had me thinking, what about this MC specifically has put her in trouble? The strong hint to a conflict

Hi all. I'm going for a Fargo-esque suspense with this one. Questions: How's the voice sounding, is it interesting, did you get a beginning sense of character? Thanks in advance. 

[Critique 2097- Pin-up Girl](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tzbzsh/2097_pinup_girl_chapter_1/i3zxn0q/)

[Document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bFSi5VUdp-4zOooYfMnO9_IAU2SIxMT70nA16Co4fEw/edit?usp=drivesdk)

[457] Intro, Suspense