The Churchgoers

This is a really visceral piece. The imagery is top notch, and it’s refreshing to see playfulness in the language. Lots of alliteration and metaphor.

Alliteration

I think there are moments when the alliteration is a bit heavy handed…almost overwhelming. Specifically in the first and second stanza.

They wield their faith like surgeons,
lulling me with sporofic scriptures
so they can sculpt skin while I sleep.

I feel like personally I could do with a little less of the “s” sounds here. It goes from being playful to being uncomfortable, but not in a good way (for me). Poetic devices are like spices in a dish. Red cayenne is great, but too much and it overpowers everything else so that you can’t taste the food for the spice. You’ve got to find the right balance.

Dynamic

You have these really long, lilting phrases that span across multiple lines, even multiple stanzas. Some of these I think could benefit from being broken up so you have long phrases and short phrases. This will build dynamic.

For example:

…stitches with their threads still dangling,
hiding who knows how many little Jesus fish.

If you could find a way to make “little Jesus fish” stand on its own as a short phrase, I think it would add really nice punctuation between the really long phrases of the piece.

Adjectives

I mentioned above that you used really strong imagery in the piece. I think a lot of the imagery is strong enough to stand on its own without the use of adjectives. This is more of a personal peeve, but I think overuse of adjectives can dull the punch of your piece.

A specific example would be “i fashion my own knife and cut cancerous doves from my chest.” I read that line and thought “damn. That would be perfect if it just said “I fashion a knife and cut doves from my chest.” By now, we know what cutting doves from your chest would symbolize, and we know your opinion of the metaphorical doves. At that point in the poem, “cancerous” is redundant. It tries to qualify the image when the image doesn’t need qualification. The image stands on its own feet without need for the adjective to support it.

Obviously it’s your piece, so take my feedback with a grain of salt. Thanks for sharing :)

Fantastic work. I can feel the anger and disgust, but also the urge to reclaim and heal.

Love the imagery and metaphor, especially in the opening stanza.
The "coughing up fruits of the spirit" phrase is so evocative. I am impressed by your ability to so quickly subvert what we told are the benefits of faith.

To me, "Even now I find nicks and scars" is the weakest line. "Nicks" feels too minimal, and "scars" too permanent, given where you end. Plus, the line is just so much less visceral than the one that follows.

Also, (and I'm sorry I can't be more specific here), but something feels off about the phrasing "it's been a long time extricating that/slippery spirit suffused throughout my cells." I think my problem with it is that the use of "it's been" feels too vague. I would either say "I've spent...", or flip the order of the phrase entirely and lead with "Slippery spirit".

Lastly, consider changing your title. The first stanza and "they buried a man beneath my soil" refer to the churchgoers, but they are not really the subject of the entirety of the poem.

Again, really great work. I look forward to reading more from you!

u/RedTheTimid, I love you, and I'm so glad you're back, but please, please use fewer adjectives.

Do you usually store up poems for a few months and then post them in a spurt? I've been looking for you, and not finding anything... I usually comment on one poem I'm interested in, and one bare of comments, and you have become one of the names I type into the search bar in hope that they've posted something recently. I've recently begun a campaign of posting my weekly poem on here...

First of all, love the title. Reminds me of larkin's church going. you may have had that in mind?
A serious house on serious earth it is,
In whose blent air all our compulsions meet,
Are recognised, and robed as destinies.
It strikes me as the right title.

Hmm. Lotta s's in the first stanza.
I think of plastic surgeons. That could be an interesting thread. Saving face? The surface look?

had to look up stigmatic...jesus's stigmata...

little Jesus fish. love that. just love it. <><

they buried a man beneath my soil,
slid poetic letters in my mouth,
this seems to have potential.

slippery spirit suffused throughout my cells.
🙁

I find myself coughing up fruits of the spirit
hanahaki?

when each pill unthreads
👍

I fashion my own knife
This has poetential, the two kinds of surgeon. the body and the body. corporeal and incorporate. father, son, spirit. but not the word fashion though.

I really love the idea behind this, and I think it has a lot of momentum, a lot of potential, though part of what contributes to this thicket of words may be a partially unresolved struggle with the idea itself. I have a lot of empathy for it, being also a lesbian with three years of forced conversion behind me. It's really hard, to get over that kind of bitterness the whole religion engenders in you, to "forgive and forget" in the christian way. it sort of sinks its claws into you, if not in love, then in hatred, the other passion. hard to summon indifference after a childhood entwined. I think what really helped me was making up my own religion, seeing the strength behind that very core of faith, the idea of faith itself, if not the form it takes. there is value in it, or why does everyone have it? Have you tried writing a personal essay about this, even just for yourself, a journal? If not, it may help, to get it all out, after which you may have better poetic digestion—I can sense the story behind this.

Brilliant use of imagery, felt like I was in church while reading it. Wish it rhymed, I am one of those people who thinks rhyme adds flavor to your schemes.

It feels as if you wielded your sword of pain or hurt against a whole group that maybe could be whittled down. Hurt, though I think I knew what you were speaking to, feels broad. Those fruits of the spirit.. love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control.. it’s hard for me to see these as “pills to swallow”. It’s those things in life that breathe life into me. Forced down the throat by possibly the wrong people in the wrong place…That may be the case for some though.

Verse by verse - freedom’s found by many, not being buried. It’s the deceptive in any group that buries my soul. Makes me mistrust and want to surgically remove from my life. Not church, not council, not work groups, reddit groups or any specific gatherings clumped together.. but the deceptive souls found in any group is what hurts.

Your visual is cutting, excellent and hurts at the same time. Sorry if I misinterpreted it in any way. I loved the vulnerability.

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Jesus!

You have crafted this so beautifully. While it’s still in the works I can see with a couple repetitions and some bits that could flow with a little more ease, it really resonates. The church and its teachings it’s such a difficult topic to fully understand or even express in words and I’d just like to say that this is masterfully impressive. Kudos to you :)

I like this poem. It is hard-hitting with imagery and anger. The lines seem to shout at times and I like this. I do agree with Mrminecrafthimself's comment about "Adjectives". I sometimes think fewer words delivered can make a stronger statement. I am a visual artist who writes on occasion. I think this is a unique and thoughtful poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

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Fantastic work.