13th anniversary of my moms suicide this month - which was also on her birthday
I was 27. The first 5 years were shock, I think. The second 5 years were me attempting to bond with my mom by drinking and looking for her, or sitting with her at the bar - symbolically speaking. Haunted by her. I’d do double takes when I’d see little old ladies who kinda looked like my mom now and then.
The last 3 years I’ve been soberish. Moderated heavily in 2019, then went sober in 2020 through last year in August.
Drinking now is a special treat for special occasions. I’m proud of how I have changed my relationship with this behavior and substance. Despite this blanket of grief that never seems to lift, like a veil or perhaps ballast.
I’m proud of how I explored my spirituality when I put “drinking away” back in 19’. It was scary admitting I was an alcoholic.
It was surreal allowing myself to try something other than being a faithless atheist. For several months I studied and explored and I kept hearing my mom questioning why I was doing this, and telling me how misguided the search for god is, I felt afraid as if I was going to be busted by the “real” religious people who took church and god seriously - gatekeepers. “Who do you think you are? God is about ritual, you are not religious at all!” It’s true, I’ve never been to church.
With time this stigma faded. Inner peace slowly came to light, along with a wonder that I remember having when I was a kid, thinking about god, the cosmos and philosophy. It seems all the religions and gods have the same message - love everyone, tell the truth, give service and don’t get attached to things that can fall apart/rust/rot/be stolen. There is a difference between “Christ-like” and “church-like”.
I miss my mom, a lot. Even though she rotted away and became such a headache to “deal with”. She tried several times to kill herself, starting when I still lived at home. Drops of blood from the kitchen to my parents bedroom. Ambulance lights flickering on the ceiling.
I remember in my teenage years not knowing why I liked being around her more in the mornings than in the afternoons/evenings - i didn’t know it at the time but it was because she was sober and rational in the mornings, and wasted by night.
I hope you are able to break your family’s legacy. Rise above. Love everyone. Tell the truth. Feed people. You are loved unconditionally. Without condition.
Posted Apr 19, 2022, 1:29 AM UTC · edited
13 years this year for me as well since my mother passed. In the end she even said it herself: "it feels like the end is getting closer." Did she choose her children before alcohol even then? No. That's not how the disease works. So that was it, and her heart failed her.
The first 5 years was just rubbish. I also drank way too much, became a sex addict, and a general conflicted person. Didn't have any direction in life. The 5 years after that was a bit better. I was too afraid to try therapy though, and in deep denial. This all changed 2 years ago and now I'm at a much better place, only so much behind everyone else at my age. But that's fine. Or I try to tell myself that anyway. If alcoholism is a family disease? That's exactly what it is and it just sucks for everyone involved.
All the best buddy.