Source
r/OCPoetry•
Task_Mstr

Endless Night

Poem

Toy houses sit in all directions,

i gaze around from this bench

At thoughts that drive by periodically,

every few passing breaths.

Electric lines sew together stars,

draping the sky in a blanket.

Yet the gentle frost of the midnight air

protrudes, through my encampment.

Street lamps dance far into the distance,

their glimmer resemblant of fairies.

Their lunar queen ignites her graceful light

and I, the moth, am left staring.

Regrets and expectations float up

with my releases of once bated breaths.

Veiled within the light of this lulling night,

my worries depart upon this bench.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/u7qwkd/5_more_minutes/i5gdbg1?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/u7pqrq/untitled/i5gdpzy?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Apr 20, 2022, 7:44 AM UTC · edited

27
jmansizzler•

I like this poem. Although some of the imagery is occasionally predictable, at time it is lovely: “thoughts that drive by periodically” for me really rings true to the feeling of being alone and being conscious of ‘thinking’.

I think you do a good job of evoking a feeling and recognisable moment but I feel you can definitely push the imagery further, to sounds and and smells and feelings.

Keep going!

2
Task_MstrOP•

Thank you for the feedback! Honestly, this was really nice and i've always had a bit of a hard time taking critique but yours is very constructive and changes my thoughts on it a but so thank you for that.

Yep, I was actually going for just masking darker feelings behind this predictable peace. I wrote it how I would paint a regular picture with words, but I was hoping it would come off a bit disturbing if read closer. Essentially a moment of peace at face value but a funeral under it. With that saidddd, it seems that didn't come through at all 💀. I'll try to experiment more with it and try new things. Appreciate you taking the time to read!

2
DutchezzofDarknezz•

I wish my worries would

2
Task_MstrOP•

I meaaaaan, the "departure" I was thinking about at the time of writing was the other kind. Totally felt that though :/

1
bluefearn•

Heavy on the imagery, it’s pleasant to read though maybe a touch on-the-nose in the feeling expressed (which is nice sometimes - after all, you feel what you feel). Wouldn’t be appropriate on this subreddit but I bet your descriptive writing would be nice to read - and thanks for sharing this poem!

2
Task_MstrOP•

Thank you! Have never tried descriptive writing but it sounds fun. Yep, still in the process of trying to escape my box of simply imagery heavy poems. I seem to stacks of them now. If you read a lot of writing like that and maybe some similar experimentations with the style, would you happen to have any reccomendations? Thank you for reading!

1
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