I was already on the fence about using the young people vernacular, so your comment helped me make the decision to scrap it. I also need to increase the likability, since I would like the reader to care about the character to heighten the stakes. Thank you for taking the time to read it!

Peanut-gallery commentary on various serial killers who’ve been caught? Possibly a good gimmick, if spread out over the course of a novel, strategically placed for comedic effect in relation to the main character’s mistakes. A series of them at once? Way too much. 

I wouldn’t use the shortened “uni”. There were some other instances where the character kinda speaks in internet vernacular, they were infrequent enough to be a bit jarring. I think I’d advise either trying to make it more of a thing, or making sure to edit it all out. 

I didn’t like the character at all, but I’ll admit to being amused enough at the premise as it exists in my head- what if a true crime podcast stan started murdering people- that I was engaged. 

I thought the way the plan blows up in her face was well written (it could probably due to be edited a bit similarly to the earlier parts) and her reaction made me interested in learning more about the character, so overall the piece was effective

If I were writin

No problem! Feel free to reach out if you have any questions and good luck :)

Thank you so much for putting this together, this might have been the best feedback that I have ever received considering that this was my most "polished" chapter. I wouldn't have noticed half of the stuff you pointed out even if I re-read it 100 times. Lots to do, again thank you.

**GRAMMAR AND SPELLING**

One thing I noticed was your comma usage was strange. Sometimes a lack of a comma made me reread a sentence to understand it. Other times, it was commas placed in incorrect spaces that it made me take a pause where there was none. 

Another thing was inconsistent verb tenses. 

> "I run my finger across the metal shelf"

Should be I "ran" if you're going for past tense. I think there were a couple of other places that were off, but I only recorded this one. I would just do another pass or find someone who is great with grammar to take a look for you. 

> "She was his retirement plan and how did this guy even graduate from medical school in the first place?"

I don't think this sentence is a grammar issue per say, but the 'and' clause is connecting two completely unrelated ideas, so it feels jarring. However, this is also how people talk, so if you're going for voice here, I would suggest adding commas or em-dashes. Like "She was his retirement plan, and--how d

**GENERAL REMARKS**

So first, I'm going to start with the character because that's what you wanted feedback on. No idea if MC is a girl, but based on their reation when researching serial killers and talking about dating men, I'm making an assumption MC is a girl. Personally, I found them very engaging. In some areas, their voice is very strong and carries the story. At the end when everything is much harder than they anticipate, I didn't feel for them though. I'm not sure if this is your intention or not, but it felt almost humorous. Here is this plucky know-it-all getting smacked in the face by life. 
The self-harm description was very believable, but it didn't make me feel anything. Again, I enjoyed reading about MC, but I didn't care about MC. Part of that might be because it's an excerpt from a much larger text, so I'm missing that backstory. Maybe there is something that really makes me empathetic to them that happened prior to the library scene, but with the way they talk down 

CRITIQUE:

**OVERALL CRITIQUE:**

The pace feels too slow for me. You describe too much about the serial killers and spend too much time telling about them instead of moving on with the story so the pacing is quite slow. But I like your main character's characterization. Their tone is extremely cocky and pretentious, so if you're looking for that, I would have to say you nail them well. Especially when you use this:

>And the assumptions the authors made while writing these… the wording… ‘Absolutely horrific,’ ‘nightmarish’ ‘chilling’. The only ‘chilling’ thing here was the utter incompetence of the police, it boggled my mind that some of these guys lasted years. If Mr. KFC could get away with 12 corpses over the span of five years I think I could get away with two creeps, that let’s face it, no one would miss.

That was one pretentious hipster, but it was also humorous, in a way. The tone makes me confused. You used humor, but then somewhere along the way, the MC starts self-harming d

I completely agree and I realise my mistake now. I'm a very new writer so I expected all of these mistakes, even if I couldn't see them myself. Thank you for putting it all on paper for me.

Critique is just that: critique. Authors also need to know when not to take it if it interferes with their vision, so no skin off my bones.

I figure you might have been trying to create the sense of arrogance. I think what throws me off is that it's a bit much at once. It makes the character a little unbelievable and seem one dimensional. This seems like a longer project, so I think it might help to realize that the sense of arrogance you want to convey can be portrayed throughout that length. There are many opportunities to kind of sprinkle that around, which also helps illustrate that trait as consistent. But clumping it together makes it feel too constructed. Too perfectly arrogant. Kind of uncanny. Like that trait is so overpowering that the protagonist feels like a stand-in for the attitude of arrogance, or they're reacting to the situation at hand. I'd like to see the kind of other fleeting emotions and personality traits we expect from a person: anxiety, uncertainty, maybe over

First of all, I would like to thank you so much for taking the time to write this up. To answer some of your questions, I was going for a character driven thriller. The premise of the book is what if someone was forced to kill, then to cover up the murder. 

The descriptions of the serial killers were meant to be somewhat inaccurate, since we get everything filtered through the untrustworthy character. I wanted to make the mc arrogant, and it seems that I went too far in that direction since everyone hates her now.

I take your point about the first person narration to be distracting but I always pictured this story to be character driven. I simply don't see any other way of writing it, and my hope is that it becomes apparent with the other chapters. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, but your critique gives me lots of room to improve!

I'm only privy to this chapter, so I'll do my best to try and critique this specific chapter. I think my biggest issue surrounding this piece is the decision to use 1st person. It leads to a lot of confusion in terms of the motivation of this story for me. There's a sense of irony surrounding the protagonist that leads them to judge others in a manner reflective of their own circumstance, but the lack of distance we get as readers makes experiencing that irony unsatisfactory. Ultimately, I would probably state that the character is both unlikeable and boring not in any way that makes me feel like this contributes to something satisfactory. It has been done before in other pieces (American Psycho), but this doesn't strike me as the kind of critique of American consumer culture that Ellis' book sought to reveal. Instead, I'm confused as to why it exists. What's *my* motivation as the reader for picking this up? Is it a satire? It is a thriller? It's described as such, but the voice of th

The only information you need prior to reading is that the mc murdered someone and the body is currently in her flat. I am looking for any general feedback but the character is the most important aspect for me. Was the mc interesting/Boring? Likable/Unlikable? 

[My story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/10IArT4iOluLOePrq5Zki_9LZFAZQ1b6iYzl20CFqED8/edit?usp=sharing)

Crit:

[[2920] The Otherbody](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/u2mgti/2920_the_otherbody/i5njeon/)

[2385] Noose around a Rose, chapter 14