**Bias admission**

I mostly read literary and speculative fiction, so keep that in mind as you read my critique.

**First pass**

First impressions matter. I'll start off by offering stray thoughts as I read your story for the first time before I delve deeper.

Starting with a quote from August Strindberg is interesting.

The opening paragraph hooks me, but its grasp is fairly light. Cecilia is the sort of person so have vinegar crisps and vodka for dinner, meaning she's a mess. Already I'm wondering if this is going to be a story about her transformation into something else or one of those classic moments of insight.

By the second paragraph I've grown more hesitant. You start off with a character going to sleep. Then the character has a dream. Then they wake up. And then there's weather. You've combined some of the most boring ways stories can get started. Which is impressive in a way.

Alright, now we're getting somewhere. There's a weird clone of some sort in her bed. And it wants

Hello! Not for credit. This is one of those things that's beyond me but I had a good time reading it so I'm doing my best to give feedback of some sort. 

I liked it more on each re-read. I enjoyed pulling new little meanings from various parts of the story, equally sure that each one was what you meant for me to take from it lol. I think I'm settled on the idea that the small Cecilia is like, the self-aware part of her? But that's it. Not better in any other way, but honest, at least. We try to balance the desire for high self esteem with the desire to see the world the way it actually is, and if those two things can't be accomplished at the same time, I think most people would rather have high self esteem, and indeed Cecilia appears to be intermittently truly unable to see the world as it is, so it's got to be self esteem or she has nothing. So it makes sense to me that small Cecilia is only realized when Cecilia is (?) actively overdosing on a mix of like, risperidone and vodka (?).

##Writing / mechanics

I rate the writing as "pretty good." If we're grading on the curve for RDR writing, this is around an A- grade level. I don't see any major patterns of writing flaws here. But there were a lot of sentences that pulled me out of the story. I'm going to discuss some of them here. I tried not to overlap with the comments made by "Writing Account" in the Google Doc, but I think those comments are good advice too.

>Lying in bed about to sleep 

Nothing really wrong with this, but is it tight enough for a first sentence? By default, you're about to sleep if you're lying in bed.



>Certain it was the vinegar crisps and vodka she had for dinner, she pulled the cover over her face and, closing her eyes hard, moaned her unease into the heavy fabric.

Certain of X, she did Y. In this case, Y doesn't follow from X, and it bugs me.



>Turning over on her stomach and again on her back, eventually, as her body relaxed into the bedsheets, a curtain fell over her conscious min

Since there's only one character, and one setting, I'm going to organize my review a little differently. I want to discuss the opening, my understanding of the plot as I read the story multiple times, and then the writing itself.
  
##The Opening
   
I don't know who August Strindbern is. I like the quote, but if understanding something about who said it, or the context of the quote is important, then I missed it. For example, if it was a quote by Hitler, and I didn't know who Hitler was, I'd definitely be missing something.
  
You're opening with a very abstract dream. Opening with a dream, or opening with the MC waking up are both tired ways of starting a story. In [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IV1Di83SrTc) video, you can watch an experienced editor trash the idea of starting a story with the MC waking up. I have to say I mostly agree with her.
  
I acknowledge that it's theoretically possible to have a well-done dream sequence / wake-up at the beginning of a story. For exam

#First Impressions

Please keep in mind that I am a new writer when reading this. I thought that the way the mc reacted to this rather disconcerting situation was unrealistic. First she was scared, second inquisitive, third angry, then murderous. I didn't find the transitions believable and I didn't think that it worked for your plot. I am not sure the humour fits the story, or how well you understand the illness that you're trying to portray.

#Mechanics

Like the other comment mentioned I also think that the hook is quite weak. I think that your story would be better served if you dropped us in the middle of the action. The mc just heard a voice, or she is having a panic attack and is paranoid about someone watching her. All of the exposition could be moved to later into the story or dropped all together. 

You also often committed the sin of telling instead of showing. I know that this feedback is a tired cliché at this point, but I felt like it needed to be said. 

* her mind explo

Hi,


STORY


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a_UqIf245I-kFRq6MUD_0zOf8G9WhTYXSAkxtxld5hI/edit


CRITIQUES


https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tzx6ag/1273_last_guardian_introduction/i4jdo1q/


https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tzrpb3/1392_the_end/i4ji9ee/


https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tzm0a7/457_intro_suspense/i4jlvta/


= 3122 words.


Thanks in advance to anyone who reads or leaves a comment!

[2920] The Otherbody