It's not that it "isn't" a haiku, and more that you've burdened yourself with the constraints of the format without taking advantage of its strengths, which lie in image; doing it the way you chose to do it is a lose-lose.

So from what I understood, this is not fit to be called a haiku as it does not fit the standards of what a haiku is and what kind of imagery it provokes?

That crossed my mind as well and to be honest, I was not able to think of a different way  to phrase it

Thank you for saying this. If I may add, the usage of "still" in the third line makes it sound even more commonplace and therefore further away from a haiku, as if part of a mundane conversation where the speaker doesn't think much about how they're saying what they're saying. In addition, the "still" in the second line results in the same word being used too many times (although in a different sense) and too near.

Personally, I question how much the haiku form is doing for your subject matter. 

While I am not an expert, there are, imo, three things that make a haiku 'work': 

1. Strong, specific imagery
2. Often surprising juxtaposition of elements
3. An 'implication' or effect created through things 1 and things 2, in which an atmosphere, mood, or emotion is suggested through the strength of the image\* (\*image referring also to other sensory elements beyond the visual, including sound, smell, taste, touch) 

If you want to write a poem with a 5-7-5 syllable count and throw out the haiku's emphasis on image, then far be it from me to tell you what to do; but I'd suggest that a lot of people are going to be expecting something with stronger image, and when you don't deliver, it's going to leave some readers, like me, wondering why you chose this form.

The idea of "holding still underwater but still breathing" is sort of evocative, but lacks that concrete element that makes haiku so powerful. 


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In no way! You wrote a haiku and you wrote a good haiku. I really liked. I just suggested a technique for you to use in your next haiku, in fact, I would like to suggest that you try to rewrite this haiku through indirect images, just to test the technique. If possible, tell me what you think of the process and the result. May we continue writing and contemplating the silence! Gratitude!

so it is best not to write it as a haiku?

Good afternoon sammyjamez. I liked the haiku, it talks a lot about today. But I feel like I've already read this haiku. Well, it's probably just an impression. Anyway, if you allow me a suggestion, I would like to suggest that you work more with scenes and in the third person than with propositions and in the first person, this helps the haiku gain more depth, allows greater participation of the reader in the writing of the haiku and so goes on to say more by saying less. Greetings from Brazil!

At the beginning, the poem was written as

&#x200B;

I'm underwater.

I still keep on breathing but

I have to hold it

&#x200B;

or another version

&#x200B;

I'm underwater.

I have to hold my breath but

I am still breathing.

&#x200B;

But versions gave me the impression that they were more versed from a negative context but I wanted to make it ambiguous to highlight that the person is both feeling overwhelmed and feeling like sinking, but while at the same time, there is a level of persistence or exploration in the sinking or fighting against the tide.

&#x200B;

So I thought of going for what was written above but I admit, even I had doubts about the writing

I think there's something working in this, but I think there's a slight change.  One that can happen, perhaps, with a small edit.  This feels more like a dark senryu rather than a haiku.  Senryu follows the same formal points as haiku but is considered the human counterpart of haiku and relies on a similar style of ending that you're working with here.  In haiku, there's a conclusion, a result or truth revealed.  However, senryu consider the final tone a shift, a kind of Volta.  Instead of revealing the truth in the water, you could rework that middle line to add just bit more of a bubble, that becomes and affirmation at the end.

But, I will agree, this feels like bones at the moment.  I feel like I need the voice of the speaker in the water, their perspective.  I'm not sure how often people who are underwater simply identify the situation.  True, there's some interplay visual and conceptual meshed kind of vortex 'underwater', but its subtle, and doesn't feel like its being developed 

That is the point. 

&#x200B;

It is meant to be ambiguous in both positive and negative contexts

I really enjoyed it considering that it's just 3 lines but it implies so much, like a person being tied down by their troubles, but still managing through them.

I'm underwater.

I have to hold it still but

I am still breathing.

&amp;#x200B;

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ubh4vr/a\_loss\_for\_words/i64hemf/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ubh4vr/a_loss_for_words/i64hemf/?context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ubie34/addictive\_radiance/i64h5px/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ubie34/addictive_radiance/i64h5px/?context=3)

Haiku - Submerged