Source
r/OCPoetry•
zorakun

Inconsolable

Poem

I cannot forget
How it felt to forsake
All that is warm, soft, and bleak.

How could I convey the glory
Of a morning without myself
To those I would leave behind?

You could not understand
The eyes I opened in my skin,
What I saw in the reddening grass.

I am a man crisscrossed with scars,
Thick, purple tissues that rise up
From my arms in mutiny.

Do not look upon me as
Wreckage, as the skeleton
Of a burned home!

I am as ash, carcasses, mould,
Wretched things that scream
In the dead of night,

Rejecting pity, craving silence.
The white bed is inconsolable
And you’re speaking softly again.

Calypso & Odysseus

epigenetics

Posted Apr 26, 2022, 11:49 AM UTC · edited

2224
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zorakunOP•

Thank you for the feedback! Definitely agree on that comma, it seems my love of Oxford commas sometimes manifests itself a bit overzealously haha. Editing it now.

Im glad you enjoyed my poem :)

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[removed]

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zorakunOP•

I think that the singular could work nicely as you said, though originally the plural comparison was intentional. I wanted to dehumanise the speaker with that line, to convey something of the public alienation that comes with having visible self injury marks.

I appreciate you pointing out the comma error to me, it definitely reads smoother now!

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International_Bee593•

wow the imagery here is so good, I could really picture a story and got a lot out of this. sort of felt like a man having a breakdown/flashback, and finally calming down toward the end— at least that’s what I imagined. good work!

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zorakunOP•

Thank you, I’m glad you got a lot out of it! It is definitely about breaking down, and the odd feeling of quiet that comes right after.

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Kathra24•

I really like this poem. It came out great. I really like your word choice towards the latter half with “do no look upon me as /Wreckage, as the skeleton of a burned home.” This part here really paints the picture and the words being stronger in tone also help to paint this picture of this scarred man, echoing how his experiences even reflect upon his identity and physicality.

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zorakunOP•

Thank you. As you probably guessed, I am the scarred man, so it means a lot to me that you could feel my experience through my words.

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jenoog•

Absolutely love the imagery here - it really captures the emotions of a broken man that's battling some inner demons. I feel like it could be spoken by a man that has experienced a battle where he is physically scarred and of course, emotionally traumatized from what he's seen and what has been done to him. But it could just as easily spill out of a man who has never been in a fight in his life, but clearly the world has not been kind to him.

At the end it feels like he's resigned himself to his trauma and pain, and is ready to leave the world. I could be off with my interpretation though! Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem full of emotion.

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zorakunOP•

I think ‘resigning himself to misery’ is a wonderful way to describe what I was going for. I love your dual interpretations, I think they very much encapsulate those feelings of being severed from humanity by a life of pain and hurt. Thank you for your feedback.

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Keeperofnine•

Visually powerful with different facets to it’s approach! It sounds very self-loathing almost as if a creature being born, one that you don’t like very much. One that is unwilling to take help from others. One that thinks, “they’d be better off without me.”

So hard to convey without cliché - hard to say in a not totally self-pity type way. However - I think you do it here. It sounds like poetry not complaint or simple self-absorbed sorrow. It sounds more like feelings poetically conveyed.

I wonder what you saw in the reddening grass… I believe you are saying death, but it makes me wonder if you saw something more? I suppose you tell me I could not understand… so that does make it complete, but also I crave understanding.

I like you implied rejection of me/ the reader/ your intended audience “speaking softly again” and ultimately you reject me… I feel rejected reading this or at least shut out… which feels somewhat uncomfortable to me… like I’d rather be let in.

Ultimately I want to understand/ see/ hear you, but so lovely how you shut me out even as I read about what you wrote to me. Truely inconsolable.

🙌🏻

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zorakunOP•

I just love this feedback. Thank you for writing such lovely things about my poem!

I do sometimes worry about being cliché or terribly self-absorbed with my writing, so thank you for setting my mind at ease. The rejection of the reader is a trope that interests me very much, and I hoped to use it to convey a feeling of self-isolation within my poem, as a sort of parallel.

Thank you again, and I hope you enjoyed drawing conclusions from the speaker’s cryptic ramblings!

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Keeperofnine•

Yes, I very much liked it and the rejection of the reader. I find it interesting your concern for sounding self-absorbed while at the same time you want to reject your reader! Maybe you enjoy the challenge of trying to do both things simultaneously. Definitely not easy! 🙌🏻

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zorakunOP•

Yeah, I think that’s it! I find it hard to express emotion directly, so finding ways to express myself that are unconventional or complex feels cathartic. I think many poets feel similarly, but I’m not completely sure.

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Keeperofnine•

I think so… If it were direct what would there be to read? And is the complexity perhaps more honest?

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one-eyed-poet•

A well written poem about sorrow and perhaps a level of self pity. I particularly liked the third to the last stanza, which I felt was particularly strong in illustrating this. The imagery definitely captures the title, leaving one to wonder what could have caused such despair. I do feel the first three stanzas are a bit vague in nature, but overall a great poem.

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zorakunOP•

Thank you for the feedback! I’m glad you felt it was well written, and in future I’ll consider the degree of vagueness I want in my writing.

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xKINGxRCCx•

This is actually insanely good. The line structure was also aesthetically pleasing to read. “Rejecting pity, craving silence” it reminds me of someone who values deep solace in a time of depression or need. Starts out in a reminiscent tone which led to it which was also great. your word choice was great too which made it easy to read but still actively thought provoking and engaging.

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zorakunOP•

Thank you, I’m really happy to hear your thoughts. Your interpretation of ‘rejecting pity, craving silence’ is excellent- I think that the speaker in my poem draws comfort from moments spent peacefully alone.

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elizamarie1906•

I love this poem. It is not only the expressive use of imagery but the meaning. I see this as a very dark topic. I guess that my interpretation is very personal. You seem to be talking about loss of self and the pathology of death. I also like this poem because each line seems so well crafted.

Great read! Thanks

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zorakunOP•

It’s no problem at all, thank you for the feedback. It is a very personal poem and I’m glad you could enjoy it with your own interpretations- for me, that’s what poetry is about :)

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