A Humble Request to God

Workshop

Dear God I question your design
why the world’s surface is mostly
water dangerous to ingest
while life sustaining freshwater
must be sought before running dry

I humbly suggest a quick fix
turn oceans to fresh oases
to quench thirst for war over seas

For inland reach I recommend
vast criss-crossing routes of rivers
to optimally propagate
crisp clear water conveniently

Lastly a remedy for droughts
consistent overnight clean rain
would gift us water without work
and predictably juicy crops
satiating some starvation

In response to this wise request
God graciously grants us a flood
for forty days and forty nights

============================

Thanks for reading! Did you find it funny? Was anything confusing? Were you interested the whole time or were there parts that seemed somewhat boring? Please be honest, I’m going to perform this on stage and put it on YouTube so it needs to be good!

Feedback as payment: [1] [2]

Posted Apr 27, 2022, 12:58 AM UTC

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AinoKalevala•

You may want to try to reformat. It comes out sticking together in the post but it looks fine on the drop down in the comment section.

This read like prose to me at first because of the formatting. It wasn't funny to me. It just seemed like legitimate requests that one might make to a beneficent God. Upon a second reading in the comment section I could see more poetic qualities.

to quench thirst for war over seas

In reference to wars fought over water rights? Water rights conflicts are real but I was not sure to which wars you were referring.

For inland reach I recommend vast criss-crossing routes of rivers

Here there is some alliteration with the -r words though I am not really sure that the word "reach" makes sense in this context. Maybe you could say "Reaching inland I recommend" so you keep the alliteration.

satiating some starvation

another good use of alliteration and I liked that you kept the word "some" because it makes me as the reader remember that even if God granted these requests there may still be water problems because humans don't divide it fairly.

In response to this wise request

Something about the word wise here doesn't sit right with me. Partly I think it is because it makes the speaker the arbiter of what is wise or not instead of the God they are addressing. I think it also detracts from the otherwise smoother alliteration of response and request.

God graciously grants us a flood for forty days and forty nights

So...I can see where this might be the funny part as it is absurd that God would wipe out creation to solve the problems delineated in the previous stanzas. I guess it is dramatic irony that just isn't hitting my funny bone but maybe it would of I were in a different mood. 😀

Anyways I think fixing your formatting and just clarifying a few things would go a long way to tighten up this piece.

Thanks for sharing.

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HighbrowCrapOP•

You may want to try to reformat. It comes out sticking together in the post but it looks fine on the drop down in the comment section.

What platform are you using? On desktop Firefox it looks fine to me in both old and new Reddit.

Thanks for your comments.

2
AinoKalevala•

I'm on an Android app.

1

I think you have solid points here but it definitely needs reformatting. It comes off a but more like a list for me.

1
HighbrowCrapOP•

Can you elaborate? What would you change about the formatting? Also another commenter mentioned that the formatting looks off on some platforms, so try viewing this in a desktop browser. It should be 5 stanzas with 3-5 lines each.

1
entangledrhyme•

Hey! yup formatting is an issue here. If you want your poem to look poemy on a smart mobile phone, you got to switch to the fancy pants editors and add those jarring line breaks I am sure you are not going to like those but that is how it works, welcome to reddit formatting, thank you and you are welcome!

Edit: A humble request to god might help with the reddit overlords looking into this formatting issue! haha! kidding, dont mind me. have a good day!

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