Overall, I enjoyed reading your short essay. I wish I’d be as eloquent when I was in high school! 


Below are a few remarks I picked up while reading. This is all subjective, naturally, so take it with a grain of salt.


*The general outline.*


I think the section breaks are unnecessary. The text would flow equally well, if not better, without them.


I also miss consistency. You set a rough pattern in the first two sections: a premise (e.g. I’m brown, and I’m ashamed - ashamed of my mother’s clothes.), followed by a paragraph with an example to support the premise, followed by a paragraph of reflection & introspection.


You follow the pattern in the first section. In the second section, I’d expect the first paragraph to give an example of the hatred brewing in you, set by the premise statement. Instead, it’s a rather uplifting paragraph where the world you’re put in becomes less racist, letting you embrace your heritage. It says little to nothing about the hatred in you. I actually

Hi, thank you for sharing your essay. I found it very honest and touching.

Now for the critique:

**What I liked**

* The honesty and vulnerability felt authentic and touching.
* The idea of an internalized racist persona was fascinating, and maybe the most interesting aspect of this (in my opinion)
* I loved the moments where we were put into an actual scene, as opposed to the more introspective dialogue. For instance: “The bus came to a halt. After three gruelling days of band camp, I had come home to the sight of my mother wearing a mustard yellow scarf dotted with decorative flowers.” This felt specific and real.

**What could be improved**

* Not sure if this is just my own bias, but I assumed you were female until I read 'Jason.' Might not be anything to do here, it was just my assumption.
* You might try to rewrite this and limit yourself to one style of writing to see how you like the outcome. Maybe do a pass where you are always in a scene as opposed to introspection (I think

**GENERAL REMARKS**  
I want to start off by saying that this essay really left a mark on me. As a Black girl, and soon-to-be high school graduate, who has lived in predominantly white communities all my life, this essay was quite relatable. I also have experiences where I have been ashamed of my skin color, jealous of the “easiness” (and easiness might not be the right word here) of being white, and embarrassed of my culture. You did a wonderful job conveying those ideas here.   
**MECHANICS**  
Your use of dialogue to capture the audience in the beginning was done well. At first, it might not seem that the essay is about self-hatred and internalized-racism, but the paragraph following really hammers in the fact that you were once ashamed of who you were.  
**SETTING**  
The change in setting once you move schools is not only evident because you explicitly state it, but also because the tone in which it is described changes. It’s nice to see that the environment in which you grew

I'm in high school right now, and we're gearing up for college applications. I really want to work on improving my prose to the point where I can craft a short memoir about who I 'truly' am. The topic's destined to change, but I thought focusing on this part of my identity - my ethnic background - would be a good place to just start.

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ccAmTJ4NPl9N5PgqxeecrA1gy9kY0tNmFYJrojgfxYw/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ccAmTJ4NPl9N5PgqxeecrA1gy9kY0tNmFYJrojgfxYw/edit?usp=sharing)

All feedback is appreciated: general impressions, comments on structure, line edits, comments on line breaks, which sections engage you (or disengage you), comments on tone, mood, word choice, narrative-style etc.

My critique: [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uaybqx/784\_the\_oracle\_of\_pelliae/i6kyspg/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uaybqx/784_the_oracle_of_pelliae/i6kyspg/?context=3)

[650] A short essay grappling with my identity