I love the imagery and word choices. “Lick our footprints from the sand,” is clever, as is “last limb of light.” At times I found the rhythm of the words, but I lost the path a few times. Really, that’s my only criticism. I like where you’re going with it.

Thanks for taking the time to write this feedback, red, it's really useful! Love your work by the way

Hi Nigel. This is a well-composed scene with a lot of evocative detail. There's a strong sense of mood and tone created through your language, as well as a tightness to the consistency of line length and a good use of enjambment which controls the pace the reader has through the poem.  

For critiques, my main one is that the language can be a touch excessive at parts; the poem is dense with modifiers, which detracts a little bit from the dreamy, nostalgic atmosphere. Consider the first stanza, just as an example: we start with the image of the lover's (?) head but from there we see a 'limb' of light battering the sea. But it's not just battering the sea, it's battering the *contemplation* of the sea. But before I can digest that, the limb of light is now powered by diesel generators, so that's an additional layer; then another is added with multicolored lightbulbs. (Side note: its* in line 5 has a slightly unclear antecedent. I know this doesn't make sense, but I initially read the di

I loved the contrast between the overall dreamy feel of the poem and the embodied, visceral feel of lines like "last limb of light" and "a fist thrust elbow deep." Light as something with tangible and violent weight is an interesting idea, and I was surprised to see that you didn't expand on it later in the poem.

I agree with RedTheTimid that your use of enjambment and control of line length is excellent, and also that the metaphor in the third stanza becomes somewhat excessive. 

The second stanza suddenly introduces a rush of action and change of location. This action seems to transform (tame?) the "her" of the poem from ethereal and distant to something more mundane.

The mood introduced by the third stanza is suddenly very soft and deliberately harmless ("soothed," "cotton wool," "child's nightlight") in contrast to the violence of the first and the action of the second; I found this a bit jarring, especially with the reintroduction of very visceral, organic imagery at the end of 

Hey thank you for posting! I really really enjoyed this poem, I think you use language really effectively to create some really unique comparisons. In particular my favorite line was probably “soft in the glow of the way things sound underwater.” Not only is the mixing of visual and auditory imagery really well done but the stanza break adds an incredible emotional depth as the reader is pulled really fluidly to the sort of emotional payoff of the line. I also love your use of water as a symbol—you add a lot of complexity by mixing the natural symbol of the ocean with the man made descriptors of desiel engines and lightbulbs, and then you add to this later with the man made water of the bathtub. If I have any advice it would be to expand on the bathtub as a symbol further—maybe introduce naturalistic imagery to stand against the sort of  industrial descriptions of the ocean? I think that could add even more to an already great piece!

Thanks for this feedback, it's very informative for me to hear how things are interpreted by different readers, I really appreciate it!

I watched her face bob on the surface, pale

Timing linked to waves, the tide, on "her face", the slivery subjective clock.  Yet is she a mermaid or is she just a reflection?

beneath the pier - last limb of light,

"the" the extension of "light", structure as the sun?  Apollonian and Dionysian?  Form and chaos entwined?

a fist thrust elbow deep in the still air,

A violent entry, an aggressive form, striking at the other elements.  Light isn't a simple pleasantness, its penetrating.

battering the quiet contemplation of the sea

An abusive element, society is an aggression against nature?  With all the imagism up to this point, "quiet contemplation" stands out a bit too much.  Perhaps a way turning this into a image, where the sea is contemplating.  Is on the surface?  How deep does this pier go?

with all the power of it's diesel generators

"all the power", again, needs imagism, but society is powered by loud mechanism.  Penetration powered by penetration, first the oil drilled and

Nigel, I always enjoy your imagery - it feels like a dream.  The only area in this piece I would suggests rephrasing is the "diesel generators and multicolored lightbulbs".  (I still don't get the multicolored lightbulbs.)  Everything else in this piece really jives well to me - these images just don't \*fit\* imo with the rest.  Love the imagery of the stiff hair wilting in the tub, the glow of the way things sounds underwater - love love love!  Thanks for sharing Moose!


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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I watched her face bob on the surface, pale  
beneath the pier - last limb of light,  
a fist thrust elbow deep in the still air,  
battering the quiet contemplation of the sea  
with all the power of it's diesel generators  
and multicoloured lightbulbs. She turned  

as if she'd drown to see if I'd wade in,  
drag her out, give her my coat, scrub  
the salt with my shirt, hold her hands in mine.  
I still tasted it at home, on her lips. Her hair,  
stiffened with it, wilted in the steam  
from the bathtub, soft in the glow  

of the way things sound underwater.  
The moon's clock face soothed us both,  
lit cotton wool clouds like a child's nightlight  
through the window, where the trawlers blinked  
their glass crab's eyes, and the tide crept in  
to lick our footprints from the sand.  

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ufqfbq/rooftops/i70j34y

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ufrd2c/sardines_a_recipe/i70mcyk

Under the Pier