Hey kyh0mpb! Wow, just wow! Thank you so much for taking the time for such a wonderful critique! I really appreciate it, and it’s extremely helpful!


I’m going through it slowly, applying the suggestions (check the Google Doc if you feel like it)! I might ask some questions down the line. For now, all I want to say is thanks again!

CONTINUED:


>We talk more, but she doesn’t share much. Each question I ask, I somehow end up answering.

This is a bit confusing to me, so I’d like to see an example of how the MC answers all these questions he asks. Is it something like, “So, you’re Norwegian? Of course you are, we’re in Norway!”, or “So you like food, huh? Well duh, we’re on a date at a restaurant!” You know, that age-old cliche of “Show, don’t tell.” 


>“I’ve been telling you a lot about me, but I don’t want to make it all about me,.” I joke.

I know this is a joke, but…it’s also literally been the story up until this point. Then, she responds with a line of not-even-actual-dialog! Give this woman some stuff to do, my friend!


The back-and-forth about kids and marriage is far and away the most interesting part of this entire piece. They both get actual dialog, we learn more about them, both in their words and in their responses, it’s snappy and flows well. 


>She’s chatty but reserved.

These things are conflict

Hi u/0x800 ! Thanks for sharing this story. I enjoyed it! I've written my thoughts below -- it's a bit long, but hopefully you find it helpful.


**Overall Thoughts:**
This was a nice, slice-of-life, naturalistic piece. It felt reasonably lived-in. I could see it as part of something greater — a novel, or a series of character sketches, something like that. The main reason why I could see it as part of something bigger, though, is because I don’t feel like I know anything about the two people I just read about. I know some very minor details about the date’s appearance, about their thoughts on kids and marriage, and I guess about the MC’s temperament (seems like a worrier). Other than that, I have no idea who these people are, or why I should care about them (not even their names). Which is fine — or, it can be. We just need to have a reason why.


I am an improv performer, and one of my favorite teachers taught me something I’ve always held with me: Why today? We are creating a scene 

No problem, glad to hear you found it useful!

>I've added some text. Curious if you can figure out which bar it is (if you're at all familiar with Oslo). :)

No, unfortunately my local knowledge isn't up to that. I grew up about an hour south of Oslo, went to college there, and now I live about an hour north of Oslo, but I don't really know the city that well outside the obvious places.

As for critique swaps, I see, that's fair. I'm planning/hoping I'll have more English pieces to post here in the near-ish future.

> Bonnie
>
> She enjoys walks. She's also the only character in this story to be dignified with a name, and the only one who doesn't need one. Go figure. :P

Thanks for making me laugh out loud!


Also, thanks for taking the time to critique it! Very helpful and insightful! It's surprising how much you've gathered about *MC* without any real description whatsoever. Spot on, in all aspects! 


While I'd love to do critique swaps in Norwegian, I'm not a native Norwegian, og jeg er ikke så flink med norsk heller, so I don't think I'd be very helpful! Happy to help out in English though, if you think I have enough chops! 


Thanks again!


Edit:


I've added some text. Curious if you can figure out which bar it is (if you're at all familiar with Oslo). :)

**Overall**

The first time I read this, I kept waiting for some twist or reveal to put the whole thing in a new light and give us a pupose for the scene. In the end, it turns out...there isn't one? Either that or it's too subtle for me. I'm going to proceed on the assumption that this is meant as a simple slice of life scene, but again, I'm open to the possibility that I've overlooked something important here.

**Prose and mechanics**

Serviceable enough, and apart from a new minor snags, nothing jumped out at me as written by a non-native. It's very straightforward and no-frills, which is a perfectly valid style choice. I'd have liked more variety with sentence lengths and "rhythm", though. There's a lot of short lines, and it gets monotonous eventually. Maybe the description of the love interest is a little over the top at points, but thankfully it never strays into outright purple prose. And no overly fancy descriptions of her eyes, thankfully. :P

One thing I noticed throughout is

Thanks for the critique, super helpful! Applying your suggestions, I'm sure the next one will be a tad more exciting!

**Overall**

I found this piece to be pretty bland. The story has a weak hook and offers little else from there to keep me invested, and had this been a longer story I don't think I would have finished it. The primary issue for me is that there is nothing to tie me to either character. This issue is exemplified when they have their back and forth, since you reveal very little about either character's life and, when you do, it ends up being very generic.

Another issue is the lack of tension, or at least meaningful tension. Obviously the POV thinks the date is going poorly, but I found it hard to care since I wasn't rooting for the date to go well. The only thing I know about either character is how one of them looks, and in more detail than I personally think is necessary which, since this is told in first person, gives me a negative impression of the POV character.

**Mechanics**

The hook is incredibly weak. The story starts with a simple "I'm early" and asking for a table, which tel

Hi, kookoobear! Thanks for reading and critiquing it, much appreciated! I was doing some editing recently, hope I didn't mess up your flow! 


I'm definitely going for simplicity (it's also easier, being a non-native speaker), but I'll for sure apply some of the remarks from your critique! Thanks!


> I'm relatively new here and somewhat new to writing and reading fiction in general. Please keep this in mind.

You're doing stellar! Keep up the good work.

I'm relatively new here and somewhat new to writing and reading fiction in general. Please keep this in mind. I've read your short story twice as per the FAQ.

Some posters are saying your story is too simple or too bland but I actually liked it. If I get your style right, you're trying to make it minimalist. Like the woman asks the protagonist his job and that detail is completely skipped over you by choice. We don't even know their names.

This is only a 700 word piece. More of a "flash fiction" than a novelette or even a short story. The less words the better.

**TITLE:** The title of the short essay wasn't very original but I think it's good enough. B+. First dates are always good stories so the title is enough to draw in a reader.

**MISSED OPPORTUNITIES**:

* As others have said, I think the hook was a bit cliche and can be improved.
* The majority of the story takes place in the restaurant. I'd personally add some description to it. Is it a modern style or a pub? What's the crow

I quite enjoyed it as a simple slice of life story. Some people were commenting that the hook was weak, and whatnot, which is true but not necessarily bad given what the story is. This isn't really a nitpick but I did notice it: "I jump off the bus" and "Sidewalks are covered with ice" -- I am aware that your use of jump is intended more of a skip of the bus that we all know but I couldn't help but think he'd slip of his ass. Not really a criticism since I don't think you should change that, but there you go. 

Good luck with future writing!

First off, welcome (I'm totally new here too, BTW)! 


Thanks for the critique, very helpful indeed! I'll go ahead and apply some of your suggestions for sure!

Hi,

It's my first time around here, and I'm an aspiring writer too. I will keep it brief and to the points I believe make the story presentable. Anyway, these are my 2 cents, and they are to my personal tastes.   


* Character Zoom: The POV is obviously the man, and he is explored in detail. However, I felt his "personality" was limited to her looks/obvious nature, and his reactions to her questions. We don't explore what the man actually wants/needs. We get he is willing to marry for his girl if she wants, but nothing else. His voice is limiting.  
Similarly, we don't get much about the girl as well. Besides the externalities, she may be old and yearning to marry. Her personality doesn't stick out except the looks.   

* Details: The details are well thought out but only for the woman. We get a feel of how she's like, but everything else remains a white room.  

* Language Construction: There are a few odd things here; probably because English isn't your native tongue. A paragraph i

First off, the writing is very dry. For instance here:


“It’s a crisp February night in Oslo. I jump off the bus and make my way toward the bar. Fresh snow has been pushed on the side of the roads. Sidewalks are covered with ice. You might be better off wearing ice skates.”

You could switch it to something like:

“It’s a crisp February night in Oslo. I jump off the bus and make my way towards the bar. As I walk, I notice the fresh snow on the side of the roads, pushed there by previous pedestrians. My feet slide over the ice on the sidewalks and I think about how ice skates would be perfect for the circumstances.” (I switched the meaning a bit, but you get me). 

Apart from this, when you talk about the narrator’s feelings, it’s not very deep either. It’s just, I’m excited, I’m nervous. Like here:

“But the cold doesn’t bother me. I’m excited. We’ve been talking for a while. Tonight, we meet for the first time.

Her online profile looks amazing, and she’s chatty. I like that. I hate 

[The First Date in Google Docs](https://docs.google.com/document/d/12AHo4H-THUTVFfryE-jwuFsid0leyXDOaDPPTBz0r98/edit?usp=sharing). This is an editable document.


Hi all,


I'm looking for an overall critique on this short piece. I'm not a native speaker, nor have I been writing much, so any sort of feedback on what to improve or expand, grammar, structure, tone, etc. is much appreciated.


Looking forward to the comments/edits! 


Thanks! 


My critiques:


[[737] A short essay grappling with my identity](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uebhze/comment/i714ef7/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[700] The First Date. Short Story.