this is lovely. The word game is really tricky which adds to it's beauty

Awfully is not the right word - especially if you were trying to invoke feelings of discomfort. The third stanza, particular the first two lines of the third stanza, have a difficult structure but as I said I feel it belongs.

That's sort of what I tried to do. I didn't mean it to flow awfully but I intentionally put all beautiful ideas into the first stanza, which is describing who they were, not who they are. I might still need to work on that

This could be 'I am 14 and this is very deep territory' but I feel like there was at least a decision to make that last stanza flow so... awfully!

The idea I got from this poem is somebody changed who they were for a relationship and now they've lost a part of themselves they love. The love for writing poetry. So it makes sense that the first stanza is so easy to read and and describes feelings of belonging to the setting, yet the last stanza reads like pulling teeth, because well the character is not comfortable where they are and they have lost their love for poetry, so they cannot eloquently express their dissatisfaction anymore. 

Fantastic poem OP I really enjoyed it.

But “I’ve sold my soul of snowflakes and fallen on my knees” is my favorite line! I think it’s fine as is.

Well I myself find the first stanza the best one, maybe even the only good one. I tried to capture a particular feeling here, but I might need to rewrite it in more engaging way. Thanks!

The first part of your poem is such a cute powerful rhyme.

It has some magic realism qualities over it, which I love deeply.

I also like how dense and full of meaning it is.

The second and third part of the poem are about your broken feelings and rely more on poetic license to do so. As a non native speaker I'm wrestling with lines like: 'I've sold my soul of snowflakes and fallen on my knees'. 

The second last line of the poem I don't like so much, because in my opninion the verb 'give back' could be replaced by a more poetic verb like: 'release my rhymes'

Hope to read more of your poems!

I honestly have similar feeling, the first stanza is the best. You might check out my previous poem posted here, "Starlight Butterfly". It has three stanzas like that and the final one is down to earth

i really like the rhyme and rhythm in this poem right off the bat, it has a very melodic quality to it. i love how you've used  imagery in the first stanza and how many senses you've been able to use in the poem, i also really love the theme of transience you have used throughout the poem, if i could make any suggestions (please take it with a grain of salt because im not so much of a great poet myself) but in the first stanza amidst wouldve been more impactful maybe instead of along, and the first stanza had such wonderful imagery that i wished the rest of the poem would try to replicate as well, but this is honestly just me nitpicking, i really liked this poem and im very grateful you've decided to share this, thankyou so much for sharing :))

Wow! I didn't think my piece would rezonate with anyone like that, but surely I'm glad it did!

Read this basking in a meadow under the sun. Today I also gave up on pursuing the fame of something near to me. There was (still is) much turmoil in this decision and reading this brought me back to the present and calmed my soul. So beautiful how quickly humans can relate such meaning to something that maybe had an entirely different perspective when created.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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I love how seamlessly your poem flows through my mind, with each line being simple yet full of meaning. The idea of someone losing a part of his / her creative essence for the sake of love and acceptance is a widespread and yet unspoken topic that you have described masterfully. Thank you for writing this!

I like the whole poem. "Give back my rhymes to meadows where they all have begun  
So that one day my spirit could bask in morning sun" Your writing is very pictorial. I enjoyed this. Thank you

Thanks! I used the "gave up" repetition on purpose, it seemed to me that it would flow well

I enjoy how you managed to make this poem seemlesy melodic. it's almost like a chant, with simple yet effective lines that manage to carry their meaning to the reader thanks to some nice simbols that you used. While I partly agree that the repetition of "gave up" in the second part of your poem could've been changed to something even more "poetic" or unique, i do believe it adds to the flow and overall melodic vibe that i previously mentioned. My favorite part being as well, the beautiful painting of who the poet used to be that you did in the first stanza. Nice one OP !

I think most these problems come from the fact that I'm not a native speaker. I thought it's "gravey", not "gravy" and I used google translator to find a two-syllabed synonime for "hole", that's how it ended up being "hollow". In case of "sing for sparkling water" - the poet is singing *for* water, like, praising it, the water swish being the applause. Also, this poem can work in any combination of genders, but for me the poet is a woman and the lover is a man ;)

It's just when read, "gravey" would sound the same as "gravy" which is a food, " biscuits and gravy". The last stanza is much more understand able. You could shorten the " coffin like dead heart" to "coffin heart", although I think both hold a rhythm. And the " in hole... ", I believe you need " in a hole". I will say rather remarkable for it not being your native tongue, because as I understand it English is a difficult language as you can see by the " gravey- gravy".keep writing.

Having read this poem,I  would only comment on a couple of the writing points. First,  in the first stanza the ",I'd sing for sparkling water..." , I really didn't understand, so I would prefer a different preposition such as "by" or "like", which to my mind makes more sense. The second stanza reads a little out of sync in the last 2 lines. I understand what you're saying, but it reads differently. It's the last stanza that is problematic. First, "gravey heart" really comes too close to " gravy "  and I really couldn't make sense of " inside mattering hollow". I thought maybe word correct struck. I won't comment on the lucidity of burying him in her heart and returning rhymes. I think something like a conjunction like "but" before "return ..." Or even " and" , just to separate the actions while connecting them . Now that's me being critical to some degree, but I do want to commend you for some of your images. They were engaging, even the " Harvey heart"

Deep interpretation, thank you for that. As a non-native english speaker I see I might have been fooled by google translator, since there are many problems with "insite mattering hollow" line

Festering. Yes. That's what I ment. Google translation told me "mattering" and "suppurated"

Hmm, I had never heard the word suppurated before and had to look it up as a native speaker. We would also say cupid’s arrow typically, but dart gets the message across and works poetically.

I would say maybe

In the [festering] hole left by cupid’s dart

I’m not sure if festering is what you meant, but something like that. Maybe lonesome if I assume the intent. Bottomless could work in another vein

The rest of it flows pretty well, strange that it’s just this one bit that didn’t quite translate

> To fight for your adjudgement - still I’m the one to blame

This one feels meta to me, a moment of self realization or a place for one. The poet blames themselves—is that what was being fought against in the beginning? Simply one’s own judgement projected onto others? And then the sacrifice of their art, to try to win back the moments of contentment and gratitude.

Maybe my own projections here, I just like the juxtaposition of subject and object in this line, mirroring one another.

> inside mattering hollow that’s left by cupid’s dart

I didn’t quite understand this line but got a vague jist of it

I sort of like the last stanza as an almost redemption. When they bury the poet, not in the literal sense, but within their gravey heart, return their poems back to the meadows. They weren’t for your judgemental empty heart, if that’s how you see them. They were for the meadows.

To me it’s a subtle, hard sought and barely won victory.

Thanks! I made the beginning better than the ending on purpose indeed

The way you wrote this ia beautiful and although it doesnt necessarily flow, i think that adds to the painfulness of it all if that makes sense aha

I really enjoyed the prose. You have great control of diction. I really liked your use of the word "supported"

Well, I usually dislike poetry in English for not having rhyme, but this one is absolutely magnificent, I hope U r  proud of being such a good poet. And I hope U'll make up new poetry.

Absolutely beautiful! Kinda reminds me of this conversation I had with someone about how love can make you so full of emotion beyond what you can express in emotion, how it wouldn't be an easy task to write poetry about your love in the moment. While I understood where he was coming from, I felt how harrowing that could be, especially if things didn't turn out the way you'd like them to be. Amazing how full love can make you feel, and how empty things suddenly become without it. Thank you for sharing your work!

Wow. 
What a best way to play with words. It's majestic.
The title of the poem grabbed my attention.
'I used to be a poet '. I would really like to respond to the title of the poem.
'I used to be a poet. You have stolen the words from my pages. Yet I write for you without a pen'.

Check out my new poem 'fighting fires' on Twitter, ( follow and like if you enjoy)

https://twitter.com/JimmyGeeGibson/status/1523523988395159552?t=hqER_zIrWZLqEz710cVZag&s=19

BEEN EDITED

I used to be a poet, a good poet, you know

All flowers, bees and crickets would come to see my show

The trees would hum my pieces, the grass would swish my words

I'd sing for sparkling water among the morning birds

/

But I gave up my powers, I gave up on my fame

To fight for your adjudgement - still I'm the one to blame

I've sold my soul of snowflakes and fallen on my knees

To grasp your hand and loose it along with morning breeze

/

So burying me inside of your empty grave-like heart

In a festering hole that was left by Cupid's dart

Return my rhymes to meadows, it's where they have begun

So that one day my spirit could bask in morning sun

/\

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