Thank you! No no worries at all this is the kind of feedback I need. I'll take some time to apply these tips ASAP. Fun fact: I do often write poetry and one of my collections I almost titled Lavender Prose! I think you nailed it, lol.

Thank you for posting. 

This is not going to be for credit at all and frankly, I don’t know how helpful this is going to be. I read about the first 600 words or so—Wolfmother is at the Witch’s hut with the poppies. This may sound harsh, so please take everything here as just my opinion as a single reader.

For me, there is a prose-style problem here of trying to do too much fancy metaphor work. This is compounded by an odd shifting sense of the narrative voice moving between an omniscient 3rd to a somewhat close 3rd while also what feels like playing with the reader to try and build mystery. 

Plot wise before I quit what I got was there is this village and an evil forest, but there is also a river dividing things and the forest used to be good or at least spiritual healthy. There is someone who tries to go into the forest, but then that quickly gets dodged to go into the POV of the Wolfmother, a spirit of the old, more healthier woods that is now dying. Honestly some of this reads st

This is an interesting idea which forces me to think of her more deeply than I have. Thank you!

So for illustrating that wolfmother would bring harm to the child, I would have the vultures allude to a time when wolfmother brought harm to someone else. Don't spell it out, but have them hint about it and make it more clear later on with a relevant situation. Bonus points if it's clear that wolfmother has great regret around the issue where she caused harm to someone else.

Thank you for your advice! I have time to respond more in depth today so here goes! 

* The chained woman is supposed to be unconscious here, due to the witch's poison. I didn't make this clear. 

* The chained woman does not have agency at this point in the story and we don't see her again for some time. 

* The vulture are spirits, and also agents of fate. They can be cruel but they are not evil. They simply want fate to unfold as they have written it. I will find a way to communicate this.

* I want them to imply here that wolfmother will bring suffering to the girl if she becomes involved. How can I make this clear without clogged dialog? 

* I can do better here with description. I know from experience how scary this can be to a child, but I just glossed over it here lol

* wolfmother is already fighting the Witch here. We see the witch first and then just a flash of wolfmother. Action is probably my weakest area ATM.

Hi there! 

Thanks for submitting this! I can tell you put a lot of effort into the atmosphere of this story, and I appreciate that. It's giving folktale vibes, and I like it. I am a fantasy reader, so I'm used to suspending logical reasoning for the art. While there were things I enjoyed about this piece, there are also things within the submission that create confusion. 

Firstly, It's clear that the woman from the beginning who goes into the woods is the same woman who Wolfmother finds chained in the witch's garden. Even though she opens the story, she's widely forgotten when the plot really starts moving. For example, when you wrote:

*A large stake had been driven into the ground at one end, and the other contained a cuff, clasped about the woman’s ankle. Sweat dewed upon the woman’s skin, along with a flowery pattern of bruises. She could smell the venom of the witch within her veins*

I was getting a better idea of who this woman is. But then you focus on the baby, and even when

Thank you for your feedback! I'll take what you have said with me on my next pass through the piece. Its still being written and so is still very malleable.     


To address your points:

1. The genre would be adults or older teens, I am guessing. There are some triggering situations later on that I think might be slightly disturbing for younger readers. 
2. Ch 2 Time skip; I felt it was necessary to skip to the girl's current age (13), showing the flashback as an example of her isolated and lonely childhood. This is where the main plot begins. Should I add scenes from her childhood? They feel like they don't fit that well to me, but I don't know enough about writing to know if I am wrong here. Chapter 1 used to be a prologue. I think I should change it back based on the feedback I am getting about the POV.
3. The rope does not magically disappear, but is ripped from their hands by the girls strength. That's why they all fall down, they are yanked. Ill explain that more.
4. Some kids 

Hey there!

Thanks for submitting this! I don't critique very much, so I apologize if there's anything unclear.

The first and foremost issue I noticed is the lack of world building in the very first pages. I understand how you may want to keep it mysterious, to fit the genre, but it feels rushed. Rather than introducing an important plot point (the death of the forest and the rotting/decaying) right away, maybe describe the surroundings more before delving into the plot. I feel like it could flow a lot better that way.

There's a lot of metaphors used when describing things, and while some of them are poetic and creative, others fall flat. Metaphors are great for making comparisons and sounding philosophical but the over-usage of them makes the story sound more complicated than it is. May I ask what demographic you aim to appeal to with this novel? If you're trying to go for a YA/teen audience, don't overcomplicate your story with metaphors. Keep it straightforward and raw.

Another p

Thank you for the in-depth critique. I will certainly take another pass with these insights in mind! You are certainly right about it being a prologue. I changed it to chapter 1, but now I think I regret that lol



I'm not a good writer, so all criticism should be taken with a grain of salt. 

Hook 

I think the hook is considered the first 800 words, but I'll consider the first two paragraphs because I think there is possibly a point to be made there. 

I have heard of the following two pieces of advice. 

- The hook should show the internal conflict of the protagonist. 

- Worldbuilding should matter to the characters 

or something like that anyway. 

I see that your first two paragraphs do not do those things. The first paragraph and most of the second paragraph sets the setting, describing the forest and how it's terrible. And the last three sentences mention a character. We know that she's willing to venture into this dangerous forest, for some reason. Beyond that, we don't know much about the character at this point. 

This is from a YA novel, so this probably isn't relevant to the genre that you're writing. However, I thought this was an example of a hook that builds the world while sta

Hello!

**it's come to my attention that, while editing this document, I have been deleting comments on the drive file. I'm sorry! They were excellent, helpful comments! I'll stop modifying this version!**

~~I will edit this post until the formatting is corrected.~~ **Done!**

Here are the first two chapters of my yet unnamed novel. I don't want to say anything about the story before you read it. Just give me your honest impressions! Thank you for reading!

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Serc8x5ldwJcVFchuZm\_5rg0z4aSPhxbelHNN6DrlfU/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Serc8x5ldwJcVFchuZm_5rg0z4aSPhxbelHNN6DrlfU/edit?usp=sharing)

Previous critiques:

[[3607]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ujs6e8/comment/i7qeg7f/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[[2448]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uijhok/comment/i7u9vgw/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[2622] Garden of the Witch