At the end of my rope

I think it's often wonderful when people will take care of family members if they actually want to share a home with them. I've read amazing stories of willing self sacrifice to this end. I am not, however, a person who feels that a person, particularly a young person in the prime years for finding a partner and creating their own family - should sacrifice that life (and their own future) to care for this family member.

You may not be qualified to deal with your mother's medical and mental issues. This living arrangement may not be her best interest, either. If I were you I would seek out advice from a social worker (your local hospital will have at least one, with a resource list), council for the elderly, or the office of your local representative (for resources).

I relate sooo much to the resentment and jealousy that you're describing. I am fortunate to be married to a wonderful partner, but my social life is nonexistent, I've had to drastically reduce my work hours, I can't travel and have had to cancel plans, and I can't currently plan to have kids. It all feels so so unfair. I don't know what the answer is and don't really have any advice, but just know you're not alone and your feelings are valid <3

Hey,

I've been in some dark places due to caregiving as well. I also took care of my mom for 5 years before she passed away recently. I want to let you know that what you're doing for her is a noble thing. There are not a lot of people who can do what you do for your own mother. I know about the horrible burn out you can feel and the resentment it causes.

I, too, would look at my peers taking their lives to where they want to, while feeling stuck and angry at my situation and asking WHY it has to be my family that suffers like this. I am very familiar with trying to find the answers at the bottom of a bottle.

Please, friend. Take care of yourself. It's okay to not love the situation and the circumstances before you. But be kind to yourself. Imagine your best friend was going through this, are you going to destroy that friend with alcohol and horrible thoughts of guilt and shame? No. You are probably going to be compassionate and kind and be there for them. You have to do that for yourself.

Practice what self-care you can. Invest in yourself in other means. Unfortunately, this path of suffering on both you and your mom's part is going to be part of your story and legacy. Life is not a marathon and good things will be sent your way. Thank you for being selfless, but it's completely okay to be selfish with your time when you can.

I found that exercise helped the most. You want to get your body feeling good. You gotta control what you can right? Try your best to stay off the liquor. Trust me... for me it was liquor and weed. it really destroyed me further and did not do anyone around me any good as well..

Try your best to sacrifice temporary and instant gratification for long term game. You gotta think about the war, not the everyday skirmishes

​

hope this helps.

I'm 34 and I care for my elderly parents. My mom has Stage IV Lung Cancer that has spread to her brain, and my dad has a whole bunch of health issues and is currently in remission from Prostate Cancer. I feel everything you said about being angry about your life being stolen from you. I've got bad and good coping mechs too. Sometimes I drink a bit, sometimes I eat my feelings, sometimes I get to play my guitar, or play videogames with my friends. Hell, I actually got my brother who has done next to nothing to help to stay the night twice so I could go camping overnight and another night for a concert.

I get bad advice from people all the time. Why don't you do online school? Why don't you get a work from home job? They don't get that there is no time, no extra brain function, to work or study. Who wants to be on a conference call/ Zoom when your elderly parent is screaming for help, no one.

Learning how to play guitar and to do repair work on guitars has been a godsend. It gives me something to look forward to and learning to play has been something I always wanted to do. I'm not that good because I don't get a whole lot of time to play, but right now I'm at least at the level of punk rock power chord strummer. I really suggest you find something small that you've always wanted to do and try it.

Before my caregiving situation got super intense/before COVID, I had started keeping a bullet journal. I'm able to work on it less than I was before, but being able to use it as a planner and a habit tracker has been helpful to me. I also do pages for things I want to do in the future like planning for overseas trips, if I won the lotto, how I want my dream house, etc.

I also have been working on my room and making it really nice. Even if I can't be in there that often anymore. At least I feel like I have a sanctuary.

Also feel free to DM if you need to.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I'm there with you. Similar feelings that mirror your own in your last paragraph. My only advice is to keep thinking about the end game and the selflessness that you have. You are doing this to help someone that despite the ups and downs you've had, she is dear to you...or at least the idea of her is. The reality can be totally different. I'm a little further along in life than you. Mom is 71 but healthy with just some partial parapalegia that has improved. I honestly feel like I'm in this for the long haul and am wasting what remains of my viable dating years (44yo divorced male). At least you have a lot of years left for your situation to change or get better at least.

Do you have options for alternative caregivers that would allow some personal time? Even on a temporary basis for dates or socializing at all? Can she be on her own at all? Just don't know the whole situation. My mom can be alone but I'm mostly attached to her every 3 hrs to keep her moving and toileting, cooking etc.

I’m living your situation today too. I’ve tried senior center for support groups and other outlets but none exist. I’ve had to force myself to take time away. It’s my only option as I’m also a sole provider. I’ve allowed my anxiety to fully control my entire day along with alcohol and I’ve decided this cannot continue. Take steps for self care. I’m starting too and the guilt I thought I’d suffer from didn’t manifest(thankfully)👍 Be well

Was taking care of my dad for a brief, but very intense short period of time.

When Dad had memory issues I showed him proof of what had occurred.

Also, explained the plot of the movie, "50 First Dates" to him as it appeared he forgot things primarily after sleeping. This seemed to make sense to him and made things less stressful when he did happen to forget events.

Thank you for sharing.

I'm a caregiver for my mother who also has RA and autoimmune issues. And heart problems.

I'm 34f, divorced, with 3 amazing little kids. We were doing amazing in a little house I had and then things turned.

My dad, whom I loved dearly and was close to, passed away after fighting cancer for a year and taking care of him on hospice. He spoiled my mother and did everything for her. Needless to say, after his passing she didn't know how nor could, sometimes I think she can, but again she's not used to it, doing anything on her own besides some super light house keeping.

My siblings are useless, family disappeared after the initial "Your dad was such a great man" sentiments, and well, my kids and I moved in to help my mother as she ages and help with the house.

It's horrible. I've become a gardener, pool lady, cleaning lady, her advisor, her punching bag when things don't go right, mechanic, cook, chauffer when she just "can't" whatever that means...

I will inherit the home and assets when she passes but at this point I don't want anything but my little house with my little family.

She complains about the kids feet prints on the floors, their backpacks stacked behind the door, and asks and manages everything I do in my personal life.

It's exhausting. And if I try to establish boundaries. O lawd. I'm ungrateful, uncaring and selfish. Insensitive. Everything under the sun.

I also work full time and have my own health issues and things to handle with my kids.

Either way. In the long haul here too.

Goodbye social life, any kind of life 😩 I just miss my dad. He was amazing.

Thank you all for your helpful and heartfelt comments and advice. I've been dealing with a lot of stuff the past few days so I haven't had time to respond (I will be at some point), but it does feel good knowing that others can empathize. I don't really know anyone in my real life that has gone/is going through something similar, and while there is sympathy, it's hard to discuss because people don't really understand.

God will reward you.

Focus on your long game.