r/OCPoetry•
[deleted]

if only they could see what I see through my heart

Poem

[deleted]

Posted May 17, 2022, 7:56 PM UTC · edited

25
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
guacgetta•

I really like the concept of this poem, and reading it a second time was even better. I feel like some of the lines here feel a little awkward because of the large number of syllables you're trying to fit into them. For example: "but when others hear about what they used to be they call me bent". This is just my opinion, but maybe try to make those lines a little more concise and it will be easier to read and understand.

1

I like the point this poem is making. However, every time the speaker says, "if only they could see what I see through my heart" I was like "Then show us!" This piece didn't go as deep as I was hoping, I'd rather see personal, intimate, and philosophical moments between this couple rather than just remarks about how other people look at them and react.

1

Loved the concept of the poem tbh, but somewhere, not being able to explain, feels lacking. The poem i loved very much though, keep it up. Also, like try to fit less syllables in a sentence, it'll make it flow better in my opinion

1
Lunatic_lycan•

To be brutally honest , I freakin' love the concept of the poem. It's wonderful ! Being a trans doesn't make anyone less of a human being. Now for the writing part , I personally think that some work could be done 'em. As many pointed out , there's too many syllables in a single sentence and it's kind of tampering with the flow. But that's just my opinion. Nonetheless, it's good work!!!

1