Yours, You
I will hold you
as the love tears
across your face
and the guts of your past
fall
from their chambers,
and we will dance
until the ruse feels real.
Posted May 21, 2022, 8:08 PM UTC
116
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1
loved the wordplay , lost love and consequent forced pretense (if i'm not terribly off the mark haha). Was the addition of guts a conscious decision ? Given how the line preceding and succeeding that particular phrase have a rather ethereal tone but this one has more of a visceral tone , it feels a tad incongruous. Also , considering the central placement of "guts" in how it's typed out makes the reader's attention gravitate towards it all the more . You could make the previous line more aggressive so that it flows into the second line a bit better , if you want to keep guts as guts
1
Well, somewhat in opposition to the previous comments, I think the sharp contrast of the "guts" line works well. The past is something visceral, something that must be released, even if unpleasant.
All in all, the poem works, for me at least, because it is "real". It evokes a sense of determination to overcome the obstacles to love. Well done.
1
Short and powerful. Simple and intricate. Love and guts. I liked the ruse feels real a lot, alliterations always cut it for me. Thank you.
1
Very nice!
1
I like this poem a lot! It's a little nit-picky but I feel like the rest of the word choices sound sort of "soft" or gentle but the word "guts" in the second line is kind of "hard" sounding and abrupt, if that makes sense. If you decide to, you could change it to "insides" or another word like that.