Passion

damn, that was an awesome ending, I really relate to the feeling you described. When I read books and watch movies, even through the scenes are really tragic, somehow the anguish is cathartic, and I mentally exalt in the feeling and drama of the moment in my head. Yet at the same time I am aware that it is a painful thing to experience in real life. this is a thoughtful and interesting take of tragedy, as seen in literature before it is fully experienced.

Really expressive writing! I could literally feel your emotions from the writing.

This is so intense and powerful. I like how you've captured the raw feeling of pain, rage and grief so well.

This poem is really intense and insane. For a minute i thought i was reading some lyrics of a song. I can feel the devastation in your words. And rhymes are really great.

Critiques:

So, I'm not a huge fan of rhyming. I don't think you need to rhyme here-- the rhyme just makes it so this reads a bit like emo song lyrics. Sure, it could be a banger. But, unless you're Leonard Cohen, song lyrics aren't usually good poetry. I think it's really important to focus on imagery and concrete, specific details. What is the setting? Where is the narrator? What events are taking place? Show don't tell. I don't know if you meant for the line 'I want to gargle and choke' to be funny, but due to the sexual connotations of those words, it made me snort. If you didn't intend for that to be humorous, I'd remove it.

Also, the image of someone gargling tears is funny and cartoonish to me. It's like something Spongebob would do in that episode where he makes a sweater of tears. If you meant for it to be funny, then it worked. The movie reel doesn't come up until the very end. Maybe you could make the movie reel a metaphor that runs throughout the poem? That's a concrete image. Study some old movie projectors maybe and see if you can find a way to convey all of the things you told us here, but through descriptions of the projector, the film reel, and the people interacting with it on a particular occasion.

I also struggle with a tendency to tell rather than show, so I know this isn't easy. But grounding your message in concrete descriptions would elevate this poem.

Compliments and Reactions:

I thought there were some interesting ideas here. The concept of wanting to be in a miserable, toxic relationship just to feel something is totally alien to me and I'd love to learn more about it. I hope you keep working on creating a poem that explores that concept through sensory details. The idea of wanting to break someone's heart because you are miserable; that's something that has never crossed my mind either. You could write a really fine poem about that if you can think of a good, concrete image and/or event to use to illustrate that point. Who are your favorite poets? Read some of their work and try to deconstruct what you like about them. Then, you could try modelling your next draft after that. I hope you keep writing.

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