Giving someone a poem is a gesture lovely enough that the content is almost secondary to the intent. But there's no reason not to have your cake and eat it too, so consider attending to some of the following observations to shape this up on the poetic front.   

***   

**The poem consists primarily of inert (not moving) observation, and could be enhanced through instantiation**. Poetry is perfect for letting a part represent a whole. This poem makes general observations about the beloved (his smile is *x*, his eyes are *y*, his lips are *z*), but placing these in one specific observable moment (e.g., that time we did _____ together...) would make those observations easier to feel. Reading "your smile is sweet" is nice; reading "When we were at the park and the sky was like this and the grass was like this and the flowers like this and then you smiled and it made me feel this really particular way" would be a lot more meaningful and memorable. On that note--  

**Your poem mostly stick

This is a beautiful way to convey it.  God I remember that feeling.  Hope he loves it!

Thank you. This is such lovely advice :))

I enjoyed the alliteration and rhythm. There's nothing here to tear to shreds.

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My only advice would be to read it line by line again, see if there's anything you can add or take away that would help capture the essence of the poem better. If there's nothing you see that needs changing, then don't change anything. :)

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Keeping writing :)

ahhh i'm not alone in feeling this way.  we're both caught up in yearning lol

you convey your emotion exquisitely :)  please show this to ur bf!!  he'll appreciate it

I think a name works better but you don't necessarily have to use his name, You'll always know it's about him. That's enough. I would encourage you to sit with this for a while, come back to it and read it out loud. There are places it's a little rough but you should be able to smooth them over. Being a good poet is mostly about how good you are at editing!

this poem is lovely! i love the rhyme scheme and the romantic tone. your boyfriend will feel so loved❤️

My complaint wasn't with the language but just the word without context. If it's a reference to an event, that's great! That adds to the personalisation too!

Good luck for tomorrow :)

Thank you so much for this
So the haste line is a silly reference to a specific event - but I think you're right, the old fashioned language sticks out.
I'm gonna try rewriting it before he comes round on Friday! :))

This is such a sweet poem! I really enjoyed reading it and am sure he will too. It has a fun rhyme and it's very touching overall.

I particularly enjoyed the last stanza as it seemed the most personal, with you specifically mentioning his eyes and lips.

That said, the last line in the second stanza seems a little out of place, like you were forced to add it in to rhyme. Why is he grabbing them in haste? It seems sudden. Is there a personal story behind this?

The first stanza is quite nice too, and feels in place even though it's a little generic.

Like I said, overall, I really enjoyed reading this. My only two cents on this are that you could maybe add in something to make it even more personalized and the word haste seems forced.

Hope he really likes it! Cheers!

First stanza is good, although I prefer “whilst the world is spinning” rhyming more with the 1st and 3rd lines. I don’t like the other two stanzas.

In all honesty, if I got sent something like this I'd be so so thankful. This is great. You may claim to be "not a poet," but I see some talent.

Very cute, a little rough around the edges, but lovely message

So sweet! It feels “sugary” in a sense because of your great choice of imagery. “Of all the chocolates and berry flavors” also strengthens “his berry lips”, making you really imagine those fruity flavors and bright colors. Good job!

I adore this!!! Literally so much. Really perfect images created here, I think using like food items in a poem like this is *chefs kiss* it just fit really well and gives that sweet, but wholesome and full, feeling. Makes me think of my boyfriend too, I love it!


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

In brilliant blades and buttercups, swelling,

Swaddling hearts and limbs

Swathed all afternoon by beauty, compelling,

Of this boy while the world spins

. 

There's such a sweetness in his smile

Sweeter even than the taste

Of all the chocolates and berry flavours

And milkshakes he grabs in haste

. 

In his tender chestnut eyes I see

A prowling softness just for me

With one glance at his berry lips

I'm dancing in my heart and hips




[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/uxly9z/the_fortunate_and_the_unfortunate_ones/?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share)
[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/uxkcxs/seaside_trespassings/?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share)

Not a poet but feeling inspired(..) and want to give my boyfriend a poem to tell him how he makes me feel. Please don't tear me to shreds lol but advice thoroughly appreciated - especially with the title. I was thinking of titling it with his name but not sure any more

First Love