Congrats on getting through act I, that is a feat in itself. I get it, action is hard, I myself struggle to find interesting ways to describe a fight scene and sometimes I just want to say "they fought" and be done with it lol. I think you understand which actions go into a fight scene, I just think it would benefit from tighter prose. Shave off as many words as you can without losing meaning and find verbs that pack a punch. There are several parts in your writing that I noticed you do this so I think you have a start. Like I said I truly believe it comes down to practice. Find some really good fight scenes in your favorite sword and sorcery novel and try to emulate them.

I did just realize that this submission was not the whole chapter so yes my plot criticisms all sort of depend on what comes next. I'll look out for your next submission!

Hey there, thanks so much for your honest feedback. Reading your comments I can tell I have several things to work on, but I take your point that I should probably not try to ‘fiddle it to death’ right now, as Bob Ross would say. 

For further context, I recently finished writing Act I of this story at ~26k words (shooting for ~100k completed), and felt it was time to get some outside perspectives while I do outline clean-up before starting Act II.

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I wanted to touch on your comments about the fight and whether it serves the plot at all. I don’t want to reveal anything about part 2, but I believe the fight will serve both points (2) and (3) that you outlined, one of them being in part 2 of the chapter. If you get a chance to read it and disagree, please let me know.

The fight itself absolutely needs work. I could ‘feel’ something was off with it, but just couldn’t put it into serviceable concepts. I now have a lot to work with to help me address it. It makes up the bulk of thi

**Pacing**

This chapter feels a bit slow to me. I think you manage to bite your tongue with exposition, just dropping names and hints without stopping to explain to me, so that is good. But the start of the chapter is slow because not much occurs. I don't think that's necessarily bad though, I personally kind of like seeing characters traveling and surviving. The pace doesn't really pick up during the fight scene however. This is when the pace should be very rapid, yet the sentence lengths remain the same and the paragraph size is also similar to the previous section. Snappier writing conveys a quicker pace and it should be employed during action scenes.

**Prose**

Your prose is very functional and isn't particularly purple which is good. However, your sentences have rather awkward wording that detracts from the impactfulness of the story. I'll touch on a few issues with examples.

> Upon reaching them, he got a knot in his stomach and wished he had his armor

First, the "upon reachi

Hi there. First I'll say it is really cool that you're getting into writing fiction, especially fantasy. I'll say off the bat that this was a bit difficult for me to get into, though some of that may be because I have a bit of sword&sorcery fatigue. I will try not to let that get in the way of this critique, but be warned that I may not be your intended audience.

**Plot**

Comprehension time: Damien, a knight (? I'm assuming) is on his way to the Ruins when he hears a commotion on the road. There he finds two soldiers and a wizard harassing two commoners. He tells the soldiers to leave the commoners alone, and a fight ensues. Damien kills both soldiers and drives away the wizard (who happens to be an elf). The commoner rebukes him, saying the army will now come for him.

You mentioned in your post that this is your first pass so I'm not going to really delve into the hook because I think there are bigger fish to fry. As a brief note, I don't think your first sentence or paragraph real

Hey there, thank you for your honest feedback.

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Damn, great point on the title and causing confusion with the world and Goroth. This is indeed a different world, with a different name, so the title is not helping here. Goroth is the elemental god of the earth, or planet.

Points well taken on the fight. I completely agree; it needs a lot of work to build and hold tension throughout.

You’re right, I definitely forced too much description of Damien in, way more than a reader probably needs. Moderation is key here, and your point about scrapping the detail of his garb right before he goes towards the group is a great example of this.

Regarding Damien, his speech to the soldiers, and his actions leading to the battle, I’m really glad you picked up on these points, as they were very intentional. There will be context in part 2, but this is one of his flaws that I’m working to have him improve upon during the story.

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Thank you again for taking the time, and for your insight

General:  
There’s a lot of potential in your writing but overall it comes off as being overwritten and at times a little pretentious.  
  
Mechanics:  
I am a little bit confused by your title and the deity referenced, is it ‘earth’ as in dirt, or as in the planet/world? If it’s referring to the world then both should be ‘the Earth.’ That said I think the title effectively conveys the genre and key concept of the story.  
  
I got quite confused early on, at one point it felt like you were going into a flashback but I don’t think you did? It’s when you’re talking about ‘that day so long ago.’  
  
Your action sequence is relatively well written but you use unnecessary fillers that make it a bit clunky and slow down the pace. For example ‘then,’ ‘and then,’ and ‘this time he..’  
  
It’s also off-putting to keep saying ‘commoner man,’ when just ‘commoner’ flows a bit better.  
  
There’s also a lot of vague introspection about the bad decision alongside the prayer scene whi

Hey there, thanks very much for your honest feedback. 

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Your analysis of the first 1.5 pages before the fight is super helpful. If you're not feeling interested enough to continue onto the fight (which has it own hosts of problems), then that is a serious problem I need to address, so thank you for letting me know that. Also great identification of sentence structure and prose issues. These are the things I just don't have enough experience identifying myself yet, but I will try and be more cognizant of it as I edit, and write onward.

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Thank you again for taking the time, and for your insights.

Thanks for posting. This is going to be a fairly brief, but hopefully an intensive dive into the very first paragraph, 86 words. I read a lot of silly stuff to high-brow lit and all over the place in terms of genres and ages (MG, YA, Adult). 

I read through the piece and understood for the most part what was going, but by the time of the start of the melee, I bowed out. I wasn’t really interested in what was going on with Damien and this world. Everything felt very trope (mysterious lone wolf type traveling along saves some commoners who don’t want saving) and there was a lot of just telling here which read as hand-holding. In effect this diminished the mood and atmosphere of this piece. I didn’t feel anything when reading in terms of mood or emotional weight despite obvious references to things (10 years of practice, dead mother, a broken sense of justice). The language was clear in that I could understand/follow, but it did not pull me along. It read detached. Problem is specificall

Hey there, thanks for your comments. 

I definitely understand holding off on doing more editing. I probably went through 20-25 full edit passes on this chapter before finally posting part 1 here. I've gotta remember Bob Ross's words and learn when to stop 'fiddling' with it.

I will continue on with writing the story, but am going to try and internalize the essence of what people have told me and use it to help write a better first draft of later sections.

(Not for credit)  


I thought this was pretty solid for something you only started a few weeks ago. It was engaging and well-formed.   


I'm jumping in just to give some quick advice, which is that getting critique this early on in the process of writing, especially critique on the opening of a new novel, is a bit dangerous. 

  
Until you've written the end of a novel, it's hard to know what the beginning ought to be. If you're anything like everyone I know who had the beginning of their novel critiqued asap (including me), the effect will be to go in and monkey around with chapter 1. This will most likely give you a slightly better understanding of your main character but will elongate the time it takes to write your first draft.  


If I were you, the critique I would focus on that can move your novel forward is only about character. After that, just write until you get to what you think is the end. Weave in what you'll need to about the main character once you learn more about hi

There were three figures, two armored and one robed, standing in front of two plain-clothed figures, one much shorter than the other.   
Okay! Now we are getting somewhere! More characters generate pace.   
  
One shouted over the rest, after which the group of three slightly encircled the two. He feared a dispute was brewing, and that it would quickly turn violent without intervention. There was no time to don his chainmail, steel gloves and boots.  
  
Why does Damien need to get involved with three strangers in a foreign country? I found this motivation confusing. Is he some sort of police officer? Or agent of the law? Even if he was, isn’t he in a foreign land? I am having a hard time squaring this plotline, especially in lieu of the opening sequences. It feels like this story is all over the place.   
  
Upon reaching them, he got a knot in his stomach and wished he had his armor. The two armed figures were soldiers: white leather cuirasses with gray trim; one middle-aged ma

First off, I liked the worldbuilding aspects here. You can tell there is a big, wide, fleshed out world here.

  
HOWEVER… the characters and the fight scene are unrealistic. Too much so. This chapter is a good information dump, but struggles to function as a credible narrative. The characters are fun and interesting superficially (their appearance, their weapons, etc), but their motivations are baffling and could probably use some closer exploration.

  
Starting at the beginning:

  
“moderately broad arms”. “fair but sun touched”… This guys sounds indecisive lol.  
When describing a character I’d want to know definitive and defining characteristics. You could describe his arms as “lithe” or “toned” perhaps? His skin as “sun kissed” or “ruddy”?  
Not a big hook in the first few sentences. Sounds like a sad man sitting in quiet boredom! GRAB ME GODDAM IT!

  
The second paragraph contains some worldbuilding, which I appreciate. But there is no action. Give me something quick bef

Hey everyone, first time posting my work here. I'm not new to writing, but I am new to writing fictional prose. The last time I tried was 2007, so yeah, it's been a while.

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A few weeks ago I started working on what I hope will be my first novel. I'm at the point where I need your help to make sure that my writing style is on the right track, and identify any areas where I can make improvements, before the manuscript gets too unwieldy. Any feedback, no matter how critical, is greatly appreciated.

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[Chapter 1: The Ruins, Part 1](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YNb1oSp7kT6cjzjpdzXEfc_mae0iGTxjAgCm9Fghvo8/edit?usp=sharing)

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Recent critique: [[3827] Forged for War, Meant for More (Ch1: Loyalty)](https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uylrq9/3827_forged_for_war_meant_for_more_chapter_1/ia7g8rf/)

[2206] The Knight of Earth, Ch.1, Pt.1