Gotcha, I see what you're going for and I'm excited to see where it goes! I will say that I still have trouble believing that Aneff would run off alone to hunt a single fleeing soldier. Her uniqueness suggests she's particularly valuable, and as a tactic this just seems so foolish that I'm having trouble squaring it with the rigid military organization that the Empire seems to be. I still don't know why it's so important to kill a single fleeing enemy soldier that you'd risk sending your superhuman warrior into unknown territory with no backup where she could be killed through some freak incident. If you think about this question, you also could use it as a moment of characterization - what matters so much to Aneff that she'd risk this type of behavior, potentially against her training? What does he have, or what did he do? I think giving us a solid reason would really help to not only close this potential plot hole but also give good characterization too. Just a thought.

I do tend to overstate things. In a previous post, someone stated I should add some contextual exposition, but I guess I went overboard.😅

To answer some of your other plot points:

- Zhun stops attacking occasionally, because he’s tired. He’s old, he ran for a *very* long time in armor, and he doesn’t have the abilities that Aneff has. I probably should bring up his apparent age more often.

 - Vexsan recruits literally *anyone*. It’s a core principle of their empire and why they grew so prevalent in the first place. I understand it’s a bit weird to recruit someone who killed many of your allies a day before. Their philosophy is somewhat inspired by Genghis Khan, who recruited a man who almost killed him with a arrow from a very impressive distance—if the story is correct.

 - I probably should have the Nialin retreat be a bit more organized, and the Vexsanans chasing them be more reasonable. The reason/ why Aneff is the only chasing him would change to (1) she’s the only one that no

They have a weird back and forth that took all the tension you built from the fight and evaporated it completely. They’re having a political philosophy debate in the middle of a fight for their lives. I also don’t believe that he could surrender and become part of their empire, not after he’s already killed several of their soldiers and revealed himself to be a tactical threat. That’s basically inviting a spy into your organization, and if he was smarter he would have just accepted it for that reason alone. He then gives the general reasons why he won’t give up, and they’re fairly standard and can just be assumed – you don’t need to explain to us that he’s fighting for his home, as flawed as it is. I actually don’t dislike the dark humor about her terrible Nialan language. I think you should cut most of this dialogue, but while they’re fighting, you can have her demand he surrender, only for him to answer that her Nialan is too poor to justify that. It gives the same sort of dark humor

### **INTRO/HOOK**

What I like: You create a question that is interesting, to me: why is she running, and doesn’t have time to stop? You’re also developing a contrast between the beauty and serenity of the surrounding nature and the grittiness of the conflict happening in it. There is a hook here, buried underneath.

I like that you’ve really thought through this world well and have a well-designed backdrop to tell your story. The conflicts are a classic backdrop and you give clues that the characters have unique qualities to them.

What I didn’t like: the hook is buried. You go through quite a bit of imagery of pretty scenery, but you haven’t explained yet why I should care. I’m in favor of hooks being as immediate as possible to pull the reader in immediately. Saving that pull for later, even if it’s just a few seconds, risks the reader putting the book back down. People in general have bad attention spans, even readers, so you need to take that into account.

I also didn’t like the

#**PROSE**

1. Unnecessary lines that re-state what was already said (over-explanation)

2. Unnecessary lines that describe things or actions to their minutiae, or use too many words when fewer words would get the point across just as well and keep up the pace of the scene

3. Adverbs everywhere

4. A lot of missing words throughout

5. Random jumps to present tense throughout

**OVER-EXPLANATION**

> Was her Nialin really that bad that he didn’t understand her?

I don't need "that he didn't understand her"; I can infer this from the previous sentence. 

> This Nialin was odd, but Aneff still held respect for him. He was a courageous man—opposing the ideals of one of the world’s mightiest, long-standing empires with unwavering resolve.

I understand everything after the em-dash based on Aneff's characterization, her own previous thoughts, and what the man just said. Suggestion: "This Nialin man was odd. Brave--she'd give him that--but odd."

> The man looked saddened that she didn’t kn

Hello! Thank you for your submission! Disclaimer: I know nothing. 

#**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

I like the premise and think this is a good opening chapter, plot-wise. It seems like you have a clear idea of who Aneff is and have put some thought into the worldbuilding. I do think the prose is the weakest part of this chapter, followed closely by half of the text being an info-dump. The POV doesn't seem to know yet exactly what it wants to be, and neither does the tense. 

#**HOOK**

So, there was not one, and this is partly a prose issue and partly an issue of how you chose to open the chapter. I think the hook should have been:

> Aneff ran past all these things. She didn’t have time to stop.

but I fell asleep reading the two previous sentences about the calm Nialin forest with its birds and water and leaves. After that, Aneff running to some place for some reason wasn't enough to really wake me up. And then the next three paragraphs were a mix of summarized flashback and exposition, al

## **Plot**

Too much sprinkled in too early. I have no idea who all these people are or what all those names mean. There’s a war -- good! (Well, not *good*, but good because it’s a nice vehicle for plot.) Anything else I can figure out along the way. I know Aneff is our PoV character, I want to have reasons to latch onto her specifically, not the whole world. Neil Gaiman put it nicely: 

>“Ideas tend to be boring. People tend to be interesting. Ideas matter in fiction only as much as they matter to people and as much as they affect people and as much as they make us care about the people they are affecting.“

The whole bit with how good and generous and awesome the empire is -- why are we being told? Show us. Either in a location, or by having someone argue with Aneff that it’s not. But specifically introduce it within that context.

You launch into a full-scale explanation of her magic armor, but I know nothing about this place and I don’t really care about the magic armor cheat. Not

First time critiquing, but I’ll try to do my best to honor the effort you put into this!

## **Title** 

The title is good and (from what little I know of your story) feels thematically appropriate. But like the others have said, you have a tendency to overwrite and are much too explicit at times. This is reflected in your title. “Forged for War” conveys the same message, implies your soldiers are made for a purpose and, *maybe*, readers will see this purpose is not enough. But, and this is important, leave it up to them. Don’t preach your message, show it. *Convince* your readers.

## **Opening/Hook**

I wasn’t hooked.

As others have said, it’s practically non-existent. You throw us into the action, sure enough, but why choose this particular junction? Why here, why now? As I’ll suggest later: you draw heavily upon the initial attack, so starting your narration there might be a stronger general hook.


## **Prose**

I agree with the others; your prose is the weakest part. But that's 

Oh I like her. She is tough, yet naive, blinded by her devotion to the nation that pulled her from whatever dregs of society she was born into. She masks her insecurity about her abilities with her own drive to be better. She admires strength as well as cunning. All great traits but more importantly, traits in turmoil. Love that.

I dislike how some of these things are explicitly stated though. You describe her immense (also immediate which I also dislike) respect for her enemy maybe three times? I can see that you want to be precise, but don't worry so much about that. Allow your readers to interpret your characters and be okay if they don't like her for the same reasons you do. Don't force your readers into a box, guide them on a path paved by subtext. They'll thank you for assuming their intelligence.

Thank you so much. You guys really are detailed!

I think a major reason why I did a major expo dump is because I’ve written very little of the story so far. I guess I got worried about people not understanding the history behind the world, but I didn’t fully understand what the reader would actually need to know within a certain point in the story. I’ll probably cut it when I have a more written. I do agree that I can be a little overbearing and excessive with some dialogue and description choices, but I’m glad that I was able to covey the major themes of the story. 

Want I want to be absolutely precise in is with the character Aneff herself. I know we don’t see much of her layers, but I want to ask want your general impressions of her were. Was she generic? Too much of a bland female action hero? A lot of her character revolves around her relationship with her sister, but how does she feel independently in the first chapter?

Idk. I just love her so much, but I want to understand yo

*Post-read thoughts*

Okay, so the bones are here. I am feeling real heart in this story with just one chapter. I'll bundle all the things I like into one section.

**What I like:**

The overarching plot so far. This chapter has a great beginning/middle/end that leaves me satisfied as though it was a little mini story. It feels like it is moving a bigger story forward and it is also moving our character Aneff forward. You're already giving us conflict, both inner and outer, and I like that. I also like the ideas behind the characters. The blind loyal soldier with some deep-set insecurities so she throws herself into her devotion for her Empire. This "enlightened" expansionist culture vs a culture that even its own citizens consider selfish and corrupt is an age-old conflict but one that will breed good inner conflict and therefore story. I enjoyed the beats of this chapter:

1. chasing
2. runner has the jump on Aneff and he steals the upper hand
3. dialogue rife with conflict
4. ha, am

Hi. Two sections here, one in which I wrote thoughts while I read, and the other which includes thoughts post-read.

*Thoughts as I read, excuse the stream of consciousness*

* First sentence: boring and generic. I think it is okay to use generic descriptors if the subject is inherently interesting. As it stands, it's a forest, and you call it calming and serene. a) these are synonyms and b) they're boring. The very next sentence you use the word calming again. You say the leaves were of many beautiful colors...what colors? Now, I personally don't have a problem with worlds that are left to our imagination--I myself understand the struggle to come up with descriptive language. But you're not leaving it to my imagination, you're forcing me into a world made of dull words. Point being, if you can't come up with an interesting or rich or vivid description, don't waste my time with the words.
* I like the idea that you're going for in the first paragraph. But maybe you should start with An

**MICRO LEVEL ANALYSIS**

This section covers small-scale items of note, such as technical issues.

**RANDOM POV SHIFT**

This part through me for a loop:

>The man was examining her. His opponent was a woman of eighteen years with olive skin with gold undertones and ash gray hair in a short haircut. Longer hair could be grabbed by an enemy. Her face was round with monolid eyes. Aneff was above average height for a woman, and underneath the armor was an athletic build.

This might sound super dumb, but I like to think of POV as Navi from Legend of Zelda. For example, if your story is in 3rd person limited POV, then Navi is required to stay right next to that character you chose at the beginning of the chapter until the end, and can read only that person’s thoughts and feelings in high detail. If it's omniscient, then Navi can jump between characters at will and read all their thoughts and feelings. In this case Navi is chilling with Aneff throughout the entire chapter except for this p

Hi there, thanks for sharing. This is my first critique, like ever, so bear with me as I try to do it justice.

**OPENING THOUGHTS**

This opening chapter, while having a very interesting premise, felt bogged down by lots of exposition, told vs shown world-building, and some awkward dialogue. 

**MACRO LEVEL ANALYSIS**

This section covers large-scale points on the structure and content of the piece.

**OPENING / HOOK**

>The forests of Nialia were said to be one of the most calming and serene places in all the lands. 

I can see what you were going for in this opening paragraph. The proverbial camera panning around the scenery, full of tranquility, and then out of nowhere, a close-up of boots slamming down into the dirt as a chase scene begins. I think it's a solid idea for an opening, but the very first line of your piece should try and get us there immediately vs at the end of the paragraph. Grab that reader by the arm and start sprinting.

With this in mind, the following several p

Thanks for the feedback. You’re wrong in my lack of reading books with little to no hand to hand combat. I guess the mastery just washed over me. Lol

Most of the problems stems from the fact that this is the first thing I’ve written about the story, so I have very little grasp in how to pace the worldbuilding as of right now.

GENERAL IMPRESSION

I think I have an idea of where the story is going (at least I hope the bit about "the land" being the one to fear and not the people is the underlying upheaval. This would make for a great story if this is the case). I have a sense of Aneff, and I have a sense of the man's people (his name is Zhun?). The Empire, though, is put forward as a regime that fights just for the sake of fighting, and has no real purpose other than to cause conflict to other nations. This makes Aneff, whom I assume is the MC, start off as a faceless soldier in my vision of the hero of the story. Maybe this is on purpose and we get to see Aneff's beliefs grow and mature as the story goes on, but I wanted to point that out.

PROSE

In general, I'd like to see you tighten up your prose. Expunge the passive voice completely, especially in action scenes. This will be a great way to draw the reader in quickly. "Aneff darted through the forest in pursuit of the Nialin runner..." is more engaging t

**PLOT+WORLDBUILDING**

I really like the world-building. You have chose a few crucial details (one empire's conquest of another, difference of cultures, some new 'magical' powers of the protagonist) and made a good first chapter.

The plot made sense even though some things were frustratingly vague. The biggest one was: what specific powers did the two sisters get, especially Aneff? Was it strength, agility, or a mixture of a few things? This needs to be more detailed, especially if you can do it during the action. Say she jumps over a fallen tree-log double her size or something. Something that solidifies this extra boost into reader's mind.

**CHARACTERS**

I liked both the characters: Aneff and Zhun. Their motivations were clear. In Aneff's naval-gazing, I did feel a little that she had a very one specific way of thinking, which made her less interesting. It makes sense somewhat since she has very limited geo-political context and understanding. But even then I like my protagonists

**First Read-through Impressions:**

First few paragraphs: Too much exposition. Exposition has to be earned. So for a lot of narration of current events happening, you get to have some exposition. And generally it comes off well if you can sell the exposition as part of the dialogue or internal monologue. Just stating things in uninteresting.

Also statements like,

>No ordinary soldier of the Vexsanan Empire—or even her own warband— would be able to take care of this man alone.

It's not clear if this is the author's opinion or the character's. Adding something like "she knew" at the end of the first sentence of the paragraphs lets the readers know we are in the character's head.

The line about the other country Nialin "rejecting prosperity" is too obvious. I see what you're going for but writing it this way just makes your character seem unrelatable and one-dimensional. I, as a reader, want to know why she thinks they are "rejecting prosperity". Maybe she thinks that this place has 

# Characters

*(Disclaimer: I've don't know how to organize my thoughts about this, so I'm just going to ramble and hopefully this makes sense.)*

And about the characters. This is where I think the biggest misstep is with this chapter--in the characters. Aneff seems to be our principle protagonist, or one of them at least. However, I've not been endeared to her at all. She's a manipulated youth, that's become apparent, but what else is she besides that? She's a skilled warrior, but we've only been told so. In actual practice, she makes very poor choices not befitting for a skilled warrior in the slightest. She's not charismatic, she doesn't have an inner conflict I can surmise, she's not particularly clever. She solves her problems through sheer power rather than her wits--and that's after charging headlong into those problems in the first place. She's extremely competent only because the story says so. It has yet to be demonstrated. 

On the flip side, I like Zhun. I actually *really

# Execution

While I like the concept and think you have a good idea to explore, the execution of those ideas is where the story falls short. We've already discussed prose and grammar, but more onto the bigger picture.

When it comes to the characters and story structure, the first page is nearly all exposition, and I'm not interested in/ don't care enough about Aneff yet to want to follow her on her adventure. And trust me, I understand. First chapters are tough. It's a sale pitch to the reader; you need to make them care enough to turn to the next page, and every word you don't is the chance they put the book down and go else where. As a "first chapter" I don't think it does the job of a first chapter. There's world-building and set-up, but not much that makes me interested in the story. 

As just "a chapter" I also think that the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Very little actually happens. Two characters fight a bit, talk, and there's some exposition, but what does this chapt

# Prose

You're prose is an interesting case to talk about. I found it easy to digest. I wasn't confused getting through it (for the most part). Your sentence lengths are varied--which makes it interesting. There's a good flow to it. However, when you actually get to the writing, you're focused on entirely the wrong thing. 

First off, and this is the first major issue I noticed, A LOT of your prose is written in passive voice. "Is, are, was, were, am, being" these are all forms of the phrase "to be," and "to be" is killing your action. The forms of "to be" take the place of verbs without actually being verbs themselves. The result is prose that doesn't have defined action. Action is driven by verbs. "To be" will dilute that action. ("Had" and "have" sometimes have that affect as well.) 

Take this line:

> "He was initiating a jumping downward strike with the hammer in his hands."

What is the verb here? Initiating? Jumping? Striking? No. The verb here is "was." I'd say this is the pe

Hello there! To start off with, this is a critique of your original post for the original version of this chapter. I was in the middle of writing this response when you posted the update. For future reference, if you want others to review your updated chapter, you should probably just make a new reddit post entirely. That being said, I've skimmed over your updated chapter and I have comments about that at the end. Regardless, I believe my critique here can still be relevant and helpful for future writings.

Also, disclaimer: I'm a fan of high-fantasy. It's a genre that I both read and write, so I admit I have a bias here. I found myself naturally inclined towards your story, however, that also means I noticed some aspects that didn't work well, specifically for this genre. I'll start with the minutia and gradually expand out towards the bigger picture.


# General Impressions

This is a very interesting beginnings to a story. At first, I didn't know how to feel or if I would enjoy it, 

Hello r/DestructiveReaders,

I'm trying to write a fantasy western about two sisters who were apart of the military of an expansionist empire. The main conflict is about one of the sisters betraying the empire. This causes the other to try to hunt her sister down. This is the first of two chapters before an eight year timeskip.

I want my first chapter to establish the context of the world, and to also characterize the loyal sister as a competent soldier and believer in the Empire's ideals. I also have chapter 2 done. If you want to read it, ask for a DM.

This is my first ever attempt at writing something for fun, and I hope you guys can help me improve. Cheers!

[~~Chapter 1: Loyalty~~](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B1PxXMxcpoSU6vvnoyA6XyMDsxm7NiV8uMyybDBi9FI/edit?usp=sharing)

This chapter has been rewritten. [Here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q36qXJKowfRGMaGGHdId4ZQrmi2-Zcfe_qpDeX2h3GA/edit?usp=sharing) is the rewrite.

My Critiques: [**\[2443 Natural Fear\],**](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uxltms/comment/ia4cgne/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) [**\[2480\]Heartless,**](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uweilq/comment/i9raq8y/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) [**\[3750\] Tomorrow's Kings Chapter 1**](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ups5qa/comment/i9ot89g/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[3827] Forged for War, Meant for More (Chapter 1: Loyalty)