Source
r/widowers•
eduwhat

Dispair kicking in

Little over a year now since she is unexpectedly gone leaving me and our 2 1/2 yr old behind. I have been doing what is expected of me ( working, therapy, etc...) But I have mostly been getting by via avoiding and living in the surreal state of it all. All my life I would consider myself a happy person, I don't think I have ever really felt bad before. This feeling of facing what I have lost is too great for me. It scares the shit out of me. I don't want it. It's 3am and I'm laying here destroyed. I don't want it. I want to go back, somebody/something put me back

Posted Jun 3, 2022, 1:01 AM UTC

1710
adapting•

We all want you that. It’s too early for you to hear it but it gets better with time. My only advice is you need to wait out the worst of the grief. Know that as time passes it will eventually hurt less. You are in survival moment right now. If you get through the day that is a win.

2
curiousgayus•

I agree that it hurts last but it also goes through cycles where briefly it hurts more. I've had that more recently. I went through a period where his passing hurt a little less, and then it came back full force. That's the hard part of all this. It's not like when you stub your toe and it hurts really bad for a while but as time goes on it just dissipates it's like you stub your toe, it starts to feel better and then the pain all comes back again and then it starts to feel better and then the pain comes all back again.

2
Bounceupandown•

That’s what consistently crushes me, the enormity of the loss. My coping technique is to try to limit looking backwards, because it’s the past, and those memories result in pain. There is nothing I can do about any of it to make it softer.

So I try looking forward. I do this through online dating where I can focus on someone else and a possible future. You don’t have to actually date anyone either to take advantage of this feeling. You can just communicate via msg or whatever. I’ve actually gone on 2 dates and they were nice! And for that entire day, I was able to “change the channel” in my head from the “grief sucks 24/7” channel to the “I’m going in a date/what do I wear?” channel. And my brain enjoyed the break.

2
eduwhatOP•

How is it even possible to recover from losing your best friend. You melded and grew together for over a decade. The imperfect perfect life partner, gone. World just continues on and I don't want to. Dating seems just like living in denial or disbelief, like she is at work all day. And you just continue living in that timeframe.

1
Bounceupandown•

You might be right. I was blissfully married for 36 years. She was, is and will always be my soulmate. The problem I have is daily living. And daily living without her is nearly impossible. It sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks! If I focus on her it sucks. If I don’t focus on her, I still do and it sucks. Dating, or thinking of dating, moves me off dead center enough for me to catch a breath and think in the future. I have no idea what I am doing. All I want to do is make it through a day where I’m not crying or about to cry. My eyes sting from crying so much. I’ve lost 10 pounds. Eating isn’t enjoyable anymore. TV sucks. Talking to another adult woman who I am not related to is actually interesting, stressful and fun. Do I love my wife any less? No. Do I appreciate her even more now? Yes. I have to move forward or I will literally die from a broken heart, and I’d actually be okay with dying. But I have grandchildren and I want to be there for them. This is not where I ever wanted to be in my life. EVER. But here I am. And I am totally making this shit up one day at a time using the pain severity in my heart as my metric for success. Less pain is better right now. Thinking in the future is the best I got right now. I have nothing left in me but desperation and sadness. Now I’m crying. FUCK!!!!”!!!!!!!!!
Pray for me! Lord knows I am praying for all of us.

1
eduwhatOP•

I found this message odly settling. There are people out there that understand how much it hurts, not wanting to let go. Man I wish I had 36. I only had 12, better 12 then less or none. Once in a while I'll get a nice memory and that is nice. When you talk to other women don't you feel like you are betraying ? I mean they say until death due us part but what if not. Then you lose her again after what comes after ? I guess that's too much philosophy/ existentialism for one post

2
Bounceupandown•

Here is a fantastic TED talk on grief that gave me comfort: https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw I KNOW that I cannot do this (life) by myself. I KNOW that my wife is my eternal soulmate. I don’t think I have to love her less in order to love someone else. Love is like pies, and you can have an unlimited number of pies. I have pies for my daughters. For my grandchildren. For my family. The biggest pie is for my wife. When I got married, I made a deal with her and God and I joyfully kept it, but then she passed. The reality is that after your spouse dies, you’re no longer married - legally or in the eyes of God. I desperately want to see her again on the other side and feel her embrace. I don’t believe that there is anything I can do right now to influence my relationship with my wife in either a positive or negative direction. That earthly relationship played out and there are no more cards left to play. We widows have the crappy side of this because we have to continue on despite being mawled in half. Can I live 30 more years by myself? No freaking way. So I’m not even going to pretend, because I can’t do it. I can barely stand the thought of living another month alone.

My wife loves me. I love her. Forever. It was the best. It was better than the best. And we knew it.

The real question is will I be able to find someone else that can make me happy again? Is that even possible? Right now, I honestly don’t know. I’m a mess.

2
Tie-Strange•

I bet everyone here wants that. I want that. My kids talk about building time machines and kidnapping another version of daddy. I get to listen to them and smile at their schematics in crayon. It's hard.

How is your health? Being an ONLY parent isn't being a single parent. There's no weekends or holidays. My point is I always start sounding like you sound when I need a few days alone in the middle of nowhere, no kids.

Burnout is intolerable while grieving. Also, sleep deprivation causes depression and death. Try to rest even if you need a sleep aid for a while?

1
EC-Texas•

Being an ONLY parent isn't being a single parent.

I hadn't really considered that before. I knew a long time ago that I never wanted kids. The possibility of being an only parent is yet another reason. Hang in there.

1
Digital_Coyote•

I don't like this timeline either.

It's gonna cycle. Some days it's unbearable and you wish it would come take you, too. Some days you think of the people depending on you and you get through even though all you want to do is lie down. Some days are weirdly ok. You can still feel everything but for a moment, for a moment the world is still a beautiful place. Sometimes you gotta look up at the stars until your neck hurts or listen to the sound of the wind in the trees.

Some days you're still going to shatter out of nowhere. The weirdest and dumbest things will set you off. Be kind to yourself when it happens. Be kind to the people who blunder in to it when you can. Be kind to your baby when they don't understand.

He was a widower himself and I never understood what he meant when sleep became the worst part of the day until I lost him. I lie awake thinking most nights. I sleep sometimes but it's not restful. The only time I sleep in earnest is when other people are around and I'm not alone. Always on the couch because I can't handle a bed anymore: it's too big.

I hate when I wake up because I have to remember it all. It's been three years and he's still the first thing I look for.

And then I get angry.

That's what gets me out of bed: I'm still here. I can't do anything about the thing hurting me but I can do something.

Anger gets me through a lot. I hope what gets you through the survival phase is more peaceful. Please find a way to get some sleep.

1