Grounded

Workshop

Speak to me
in ways that I can understand,
like the whisper of paper skin
peeled off an onion,

or the tap tap
on the shed roof
of acorns falling in the wind
before a summer thunderstorm.

Don't go on
about stars and their signs,
the creases in my palm
or the way these planets align,
which means this thing or that.

You may as well switch off the stars;
unscrew the moon from the socket,
skim the reflection off the water,
roll it up,

and speak to me
like gravity will, to this stone
I've thrown above the pond -

I want to know you
like my fingers know the grain of wood,
the way these leaves know rain.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/v4n7xt/dark_stormy/ib6k1nl

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/v446ry/time/ib6ng4r

Posted Jun 4, 2022, 9:23 PM UTC

2312
poetryburn•

Don't go on
about stars and their signs,
the creases in my palm
or the way these planets align,
which means this thing or that.

This stanza and the next two are great. I loved how you evoked nature vs. how people interpret nature. Very moving.

3
LittleArno•

Ugh, that third to last stanza has no right to be as brilliant as it is. I loveeeee that imagery. Reminds me of Italo Calvino. I’d love to know your thinking behind it.

2
Downtown_Income•

First off, wow thanks for sharing. Love your use of imagery between divinity and reality. It was a great read for someone finding their footing in poetry.

and speak to me
like gravity will, to this stone
I've thrown above the pond

My favorite stanza, one I relate with so well.

2
TheMilkinMan•

I like the imagery created by the word choice!

2
RustingImpervious•

seems like you long for a place where things are said without words... Staying ever present.

Beautiful.

2
iliacbaby•

forget about astrology. girl, I'm tryna fuck!

striking and skilled work as always, NigelTMooseballs. One thing I suggest is to consider is trimming some small words here and there. Do you need the word "like" in the third line of the first stanza? Anyone who's anyone knows that similes are sus and metaphors are bussin. But seriously, I think you should delete that word.

similarly, you don't need "or" to begin your next stanza - you obviously understand word economy, just take another pass and get across the goal line in the word economy game.

Fantastic work. I love your stanza structure and how you carry your words through lines and stanzas. This reads aloud well.

2
NigelTMooseballsOP•

This is the outside perspective I needed to hear, thank you. "Similes are sus" is gonna be my new mantra. I've had friends tell me again and again to lose prepositions and other bits of fluff like and, or etc ... consider it done xox

3
amercuri15•

There's a beautiful, odd balance here. I've known a lot of people who don't see much difference between the two perspectives/personalities here. But I really like your take. As for the actual poem itself, I'm not sure if the grammatically correct punctuation works with the lines broken up as you have them. I feel like I'd rather lose a lot of the punctuation and capitalization. Something about that seems more "down to earth" and fitting with the tone and sentiment of the poem. Other than that, I don't have much else to say other than are you sure it's finished? A wonderful, complete piece if you so choose. But something in me tells me these two characters could be fleshed out a little more and I'd love to see what they get into. Thanks for sharing, I really did struggle to come up with those notes. Really loved this one.

2
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1

Seems to air the notion of a yearning for a simpler life or for another perhaps to be made aware of your want for nothing but the simplicities.

1
Just_Remote_3964•

I like the metaphors being used in this

1
Trihardcel•

yes nice poem,very poemy indeed

0