I have the opposite problem as this guy. My short stories tend to be long, unwieldy 20-30 page stories where I’m purposely chasing that change. I find it hard to shorten my own stories.

i read this; the reason for the small wordcount is that this is a sketch rather than a short story. sketches are generally shoter and give us a glimpse into someone's world and life. they're usually descriptive.

in a short story, by contrast, something changes in a character's life. we catch them right before something momentuous happens, it happens, and we see them at the other end. could be momentuous in terms of people's relationships with each other changing, or someone experiencing an intense moment of grief or sadness, idk - they undergo a transformation of some sort, usually an inner transformation, but the transformation could be both inner & outer, depends on the story. 

tl;dr you're writing sketches not short stories

Thanks for the advice, I'll be sure to work the feedback.

###Characters

Fuji is our main, and really only, character here. I've touched on this throughout the first part of this critique but Fuji feels to me less a character and more of an insert/personification for traditionalism and perhaps nature as a whole. His role in the story is to be detached from but respected by the village at large, and mostly stay in his routine even as the world changes around him. 

###Heart/Plot

This is where I struggled. I have no idea what you're really trying to say or what you're telling us with this story. Is it an allegory for something? Is it a straightforward story of an old man that time has forgotten? I'm just not sure, and I think it's because the story you've written is too short for the story you wish to tell.

###Closing Comments

I think this would do better being lengthened a bit. Double the word count might be effective if you can swing it. You're almost *too* stingy with what you're trying to say here.

Note: since you don't (as of the time of me starting this critique) have comments turned on, I may throw a few line edits in here. You definitely need to go through and do some edits/proofreading.

###General Remarks

Something about this is just...not doing it for me. I can't quite place my finger on what it is from a first pass of the story. I think the main problem I'm having is the ending, because it feels incredibly abrupt and the significance of the box is lost on me.

It also feels far too short to be a short story. This is closer to flash fiction, but not developed enough to be that.

###Title, Hook and Mechanics

I think you've done something interesting with the title here; the setting itself *screams* Japan (at least, to me), and so you tend to draw the conclusion of Japan->Fuji->Mount Fuji, which reinforces that setting. Naming the character Fuji both reinforces that idea and slightly turns it on its head. You never *explicitly* name the mountain, but it *feels* like Fuji m

Thanks! I am definitely planning on reworking the piece so ill be sure to let you know if i get that done.

A story's length isn't inherently a flaw. Shorter pieces are typically more condensed, which might allure those of us with shorter attention spans. Longer pieces allow for more time to flesh out characters, settings, or themes. It all depends on how you write and who you're writing for.

If you want to write longer stories, I'd recommend reading pieces of a similar length and taking note of how they keep your interest from start to finish.

**Imagery**

I liked your imagery, though the description sometimes felt excessive or unfocused.

> "The thick metal metal wires strung between the giant starfish shaped pylons spark as electricity courses through their veins, glowing and burning, an illuminating yellow light."

What does "An illuminating yellow light" add here? Does it expand or clarify the reader's mental image? It feels unnatural and hangs at the end of an already long sentence. I'd cut it.

 > "Fuji’s eyes are contemplating the dark black mirror of the water channel..." and "Its

I just want to say that this is my second time EVER critiquing work, and my first time on this sub. I'm not an experienced writer. I'm just a senior in High School, a mega Stephen King fan, and an avid reader that enjoys writing. I hope I can give feedback in terms of how a younger reader might see the story.

All right, so I read the story twice, took some time to think, and I've come up with what it is exactly that I think is lacking in your story. 

So basically, I have to say I LOVE your writing style in terms of description. In terms of plot, well not so much. There isn't an actual plot at all, unless we count the walking around, observing things, and the end result of the old man tinkering with a box. I know that if this was a full, fleshed-out story, with a plot and all, I would be HOOKED with your descriptive writing style and ability to put the reader in the setting. It has a lot of potential, and so do you, but you're not putting your ability to describe situations through th

Critique of Fuji


Your piece attracts me because I have heard the term magical realism but know nothing about it.


When I googled elements of magical realism this is what I found:


1.) Realistic setting.

2.) Magical elements.

3.) Limited information.

4.) Critique.

5.) Unique plot structure.


As I read your story I'll give my opinion on if it succeeds on each element.


1.) Yes. All the terms like town, tiled roof, cement, industry, etc make me feel like I'm in the ordinary world. I even think it would be good if you could expand the descriptions to emphasize the ordinariness. (LATER: I read a bit more about mr and one characteristic is a richness of sensory details.)


2.) Yes. It's apparent to me that the electricity and creatures and box are magical elements.


3.) Yes. 


4.) No. I think this is where your main problem is. I can't make any connection with what you are trying to comment on.


I assume that the electricity, sky creatures, and box are symbols of something but I

**Opening** 

I like how you tried to set the setting, but such a heavy description so soon, with no break given in between makes everything blend into everything and can cause confusion. 

>giant starfish shaped pylons spark as electricity courses through their veins

This is a tough description to picture on the first read and is especially hard surrounded by the opener's other detailed descriptions. 

> The lines cast a steady haze on the darkened water as they arc over the sloped tile roofs arching together as if two opposite racing waves crash into each at their crest. At times like this when the darkness of the town was spattered with the blood of the electrical bod

For another example, this passage was very disorienting setting-wise. You mentioned the darkness of the town, but they're previous references to bright yellow lights. After a few read-throughs, I began to place the setting better, but openers are best when understood on first read. 

**Setting errors** 

So, similar 

Opening  
I like how you tried to set the setting, but such a heavy description so soon, with no break given in between makes everything blend into everything and can cause confusion.  
giant starfish shaped pylons spark as electricity courses through their veins  
This is a tough description to picture on the first read and is especially hard surrounded by the opener's other detailed descriptions.  
The lines cast a steady haze on the darkened water as they arc over the sloped tile roofs arching together as if two opposite racing waves crash into each at their crest. At times like this when the darkness of the town was spattered with the blood of the electrical bod  
For another example, this passage was very disorienting setting-wise. You mentioned the darkness of the town, but they're previous references to bright yellow lights. After a few read-throughs, I began to place the setting better, but openers are best when understood on first read.  
Setting errors  
So, similar to what I

Hi, this is a very short story that I wrote a while back.
My primary questions are concerning the ending and my general pacing and word count. A particular issue i find i struggle with is that is my short stories are too short and i often get stuck on low word counts when writing. I was wondering if this shows in my writing and if so if you have any advice about how to work on it i would appreciate it.




Short story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KWlbJDwc-0K0N5GOIHRmBN5mlmsSlK24f-6eiBDaL0k/edit

Critique[2212]: https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/vb22pv/2212_lars_mandrake_quartermaster_for_hire/ic6lzfb/

[821] Fuji