Theatrics of Optimism
Your eyes sow kind nostalgia, Steeped in the mourning of hope. I see you grazing, selfishly, For my heart is arable in grief.
Toss me a crumb, don’t make me beg, We’ll both feast from my misery. To you I will drink, the salt of our dreams, Cupped in the clasp of your hands.
Slaves to disorder; mild and acute, To one which so vague we call love. Should know better, shouldn’t whisper, White lies through a dark corridor.
The guise of strong will, carry’s a price, It drags disbelief to a halt. Rope burns deep, now, as it falls, Both on the masked and the crowd.
Posted Jun 13, 2022, 3:53 PM UTC
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This feels very theatrical. Your imagery is very strong, which paints a nice picture in my head of what's going on, but without context I can't tell what I should take at face value and what is hyperbole. It's a good piece to read aloud with inflection, as it is a very feeling-based poem, but I feel that it's overdone when I read it in my pajamas. Perhaps adding in context of what exactly is causing you to feel this way will help reconcile this incongruity I have with reading your poem. It just feels disingenuous to have an entire poem written in abstract hyperbole. But, you captured something here, something important. I feel like this is the meat of the whole poem and you just gotta add the bones of a larger structure. Have the emotions meet with the objective reality, so that you convey what it feels like while giving the reader insight into what is causing these feelings. Overall, I enjoyed, it's just not my favorite type of poem to read, and I just wanted to give you insight on how you might better reach other people like me with your craft.
Thank you so much for your input. I guess I have to assume someone but myself will be reading these haha. It does seem like a piece of the puzzle needs to be added.
For context; I was diagnosed with adult onset epilepsy, ADHD and a arachnoid cist on my brain within one week a few years back and this is an ode to my wife for the back breaking and heartbreaking work she had to endure while putting on a facade of ease and stability, guiding us through these times.
Stanza 1: I’m afflicted and I see you mourning the plans we’ve set for our future. (Children, trips, a new home) and how fondly you hold on to our memories. I can see there are two sides of you now, one that is hurt and the facade.
Stanza 2: I understand this is painful, and there is no one to blame so let help with the anguish through understanding. “The salt of our dreams” are just tears for the plans we had, and even so I’m drinking from your hand. So as bad as it gets you’ll be there for me regardless if I don’t think I need your help.
Stanza 3: We’re both slaves to some kind of disorder. Mine would be neurological and hers is that she loves so much, but we should be wise enough to not tiptoe around the hard discussions that need to be had.
Stanza 4: I end by saying that there is a price to be payed for showing a will of steel without rest. It might make us both fall blissfully down a path of false calm, because when shit hits the fan, the curtain will fall on both of us without mercy. Her being the masked and I being the crowd.
Hope that helps!
Wow that's intense. I got the schizoaffective with the autism, so I understand mental health concerns well. I also have a friend who very recently had an arachnoid cyst removed from his brain, and I'm seeing how it impacts him, so I feel you on that too. Both you and your wife are troopers, and you have my respect. Your poem has much richer meaning now that I understand the context. Very good job distilling this intense series of events into a refined form. I still think combining some insights into the truth behind the poem with what you already have would perfect what you got going on here.
Thanks again, will totally be taking your advice and adding a little glue to the poem. Appreciate it!
FTFY.
Although payed exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. The deck is yet to be payed.
Payed out when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. The rope is payed out! You can pull now.
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
Beep, boop, I'm a bot