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This connected with me right away despite being so short! I like the spacing and initial lowercase—it adds to the sense of falling and not being able to place oneself.

>my heart is a car crash

I like this opening metaphor a lot, but I wish it came full circle more. The rest of the poem doesn't revisit this in a very explicit way, making the metaphor feel less punchy by the end.

>my body is ~~mangle~~ mangled

Just a small grammatical error

>my eyes have been detourned

"Detourned" is not a word, but I'm googling and perhaps you were basing it off the French word "détournement"? Not sure if you're not a native English speaker, but if that *is* the word you were basing it off of, "hijacked" might be the best English substitute.

>my perception confused  
are you really there  
or is it just me again.

I think I like this! I was a bit surprised by the introduction of "you" at this stage in the poem, since I didn't know the narrator was looking for, or at, someone until the last stanza

my heart is a car crash

i fall from the balcony 

reaching terminal velocity

control is the only thing

i really want to have

my body is mangle

my eyes have been detourned

my perception confused

are you really there

or is it just me again.




https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vkon9o/help_is_this_poetry_what_did_i_make/idr63lc?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vkon9o/help_is_this_poetry_what_did_i_make/idr63lc?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

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