Source
r/OCPoetry•
Yrucappin

Whatever done in the dark....

Poem

The light bulb heats, diseased thoughts disperse like roaches

it makes my skin crawl upon notice

still, i'm underneath focused

​

because I seen a roach on the wall by the side of my bed

waiting until lights out so it can crawl in my head
as I dream Im picturing police raid, looking to stick charges like webs

they feast on a young dealers profits like eggs

like eggs my bank account read

​

somebody must've known I would walk in these steps

cause my dreams spelled out the future correct

now I pay attention to where I invest

now I pay attention before they infest

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Posted Jun 26, 2022, 6:33 PM UTC

85
SolWishing12•

I like the power you put into this through your provocative diction. Your choice of bolded words accents this.

Your rhythm is nicely done, as well, and the tone of voice matches it perfectly.

That singular letter change in the last two lines, to completely change the meaning between the former and the latter - the execution of it, and tying your entire poem together like that - is wonderful.

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YrucappinOP•

Thank you, your analysis is very moving

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YrucappinOP•

Hard lessons, but thank God, they ain't on the yard lessons

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Blazingmama•

I like this poem ! The last four lines are my favorite, they end the poem really well! The unnerving imagery in this poem really fits the subject and is well done.

Critique:Line 3,maybe do away with "I'm"? I think it'd read better. Line 4 "seen" should be saw. Line 5, I'd rewrite this as "a police raid"/"police raids"

Good work, take care ❤️

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