I understand why you'd want Peaceful on its own! Definitely. I was mostly just using an example.

Essentially, deliberately placing line breaks can be an added layer to the poem. It keeps a sense of mystery as the reader is going through the lines, adds a subversion by creating new and weird phrases. Like the example I gave:

"What I can tell you is I can fly

the skies. You can’t imagine"  

In the second line here, a second phrase of "the skies you can't imagine " is created, even though the *real* sentence is something different.

Basically, using line breaks like this can create a more layered meaning, create more images, feelings, etc. Just something to look out for!

I appreciate the feedback! Would you be able to delve a little more into what you mean by suspense? In my case, I wanted “peaceful” to stand on its own for obvious reasons. Peaceful, serene, etc. I’d love to know more about why you divided the poem the way you did, it’s fascinating!

Your rhythm in this poem is really good, there's a sort of music to the piece when I read it to myself. I enjoyed the use of rhetorical questions early on, and I think you nailed the distracted feeling of the narrator.

My favorite part is definitely the end. I think you pulled it off perfectly with the distraction leading to "race you there?"

My only suggestion is, don't be afraid to do line breaks in bolder spots. Example. You have:

"What I can tell you is

I can fly the skies.

You can’t imagine how

Peaceful

Everything looks from up here."


Bolder line breaks would look like:  


"What I can tell you is I can fly

the skies. You can’t imagine

how Peaceful

Everything looks

from up here."

Of course this is up to taste! But bold line break choices can add suspense and interest when the reader is reading each individual line, not knowing what word or idea comes next.

Thanks for zooming us in on the bobble of a birds head :). What a fun image. You have such a creative perspective on this bird/human convo. Thanks for writing!

I'd say stanza 3 seemed to slump in its originality compared to the other ones. It's kind of generic? I think the word "junk" especially seems like just a bit of a let down--what does a bird consider "junk"? What has the bird seen when it's spent some time on the ground? 

This poem also made me think of sympathy vs. empathy--maybe kind of random :). The bird feels "bad" for the people on the ground, but doesn't really understand what's going on, and then forgets that the people aren't capable of reaching the same heights as it is....a good example of sympathy.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

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The head bobbing, short lines, and the last stanza immediately made me pictures of Mourning Dove or Pigeon. I like how your use of a simple creature with a short attention span, that might easily be looked down on by people, literally looks down on on those same supposedly smarter creatures.

Cool stuff.

I like how you establish a pattern with "bobble thing" then "spinal thing". They both contain 3 syllables each.

The stream of consciousness in our minds is an extraordinary thing, this poem is a great example of that!

The piece captures the capacity of the bird to just flit away, that it doesn’t really have to “invest” in the human condition, and suggests birds are a bit ADD because of that. Really fun ideas.

I did notice the overuse of “thing” after I posted but figured I would keep it for posterity; I agree!

Loved it, especially the ending, summing up the care-free, joyous nature of the bird. My only grip is the amount the word "thing" turns up. It has a significant place at the end of three lines, in this short poem. Thing is quite an unprovocative word and its use doesn't feel as intentional as it should be. In my personal opinion, I'd keep "that weird bobble thing", but change "Probably a spinal thing".

Perhaps you could write,

&#x200B;

> Its probably spinal

> To do with their spine I think

Overall, really like the poem, hooked me and was easy to read and digest!

I’m a bird.  
Watch  
As my head does that weird bobble thing.  
Why do I do that?  
Wish I knew.  
Probably a spinal thing.  


What I can tell you is  
I can fly the skies.  
You can’t imagine how  
Peaceful  
Everything looks from up here. 


Sometimes I wish  
I could understand the junk  
You poor things  
Go through down there.  

Because when I’m up here,  
That’s all I am.  
Up.  

I wish you could—  
—oh, shit.  
That’s a cool cloud.  
Race you there?

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vlcrs8/flesh/idv17j4/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vlgaul/heligoland/idv0jr6/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

Bird