i went to a neurologist today to maybe try and get help, and she basically took my dad's word for everything and said there's nothing wrong with me and it's all because of technology

td;lr basically the post title. sorry it's long i am a bit of a rambler

i don't have anyone else to talk to about this. im just on thw way home right now so ig i'm just venting because i just feel embarrassed and so stupid right now

i'm 17. i've suspected i might have adhd since around 14, but when i told my school guidance counselor, covid hit and i kind of just dropped it because there was nothing that could really be done by then

i've been told by my social worker i have anxiety and depression. i don't know how correct that is, i just know that there's something wrong with me. i can't focus, i can't force myself to have self discipline, i've failed several classes over the pst few years not because they were too hard for me, but because i just couldn't make myself do any work that would take too much time or effort, even in subjects i otherwise like. im behind on college apps. my transcript is a mess. i am a mess

i didn't realize a parent would have to be there for the meeting because in my usual doctor appointments i'm allowed to go on my own. now i wish i just hadn't bothered with any of this

she's of the same ethnic background as us, and so maybe i'm inclined to think that's why she just agreed with my dad instead of trying to vouch for me or let me talk. i couldn't even be fully honest with how bad i'm doing in school because my parents don't know the full extent of it. he did, however, decide to cut in the middle to insert his very-accurate rendition of what my problem is, basically telling her that he can tell her what's wrong with me better than i could, and that it's none of this medical stuff.

he went on about how i'm in a great school and get great grades and used to be on the honor roll in fucking primary, as if being called a "gifted" kid at ages 5 through 9 amounts to anything eight years later. and since he'd just heard me say i have a low attention span, he also said that's just because i'm always on my phone. i do think he didn't mean it with bad intentions. he just genuinely thinks i am fine. mental illness also just doesn't really fit his image of me.

she just nodded and said i'm not failing anything (i tried to correct her by saying i did fail math, which is a vast understatement because i also barely passed in a shit ton of classes, but even so she just went "oh" and vaguely shrugged) and then she made a comment about how i must be wasting too much time on my phone and therefore have attention issues, and she asked me what i use my phone for. i didn't even know what kind of answer she wanted. what does anyone use their phone for?

she said i'm seventeen so it'd be unusual for me to have adhd or any similar problems because i'm not a second or third grader with behavior issues and am a well-functioning teenager (i don't know how many more times i could have tried to let her know i'm not and still have her dismiss it) she asked me if i have any mental conditions and i just said ive been told i have anxiety bc the last time someone mentioned me having depression to my father three years ago, it was not a fun day for me.

at the end of it she said, "i know you're a smart kid," (like she knows enough about me just from my dad's speech about how i used to be a decade ago) and "your dad is probably right," and then she said to come back in september if i still think i need to, but that i should just try to "figure out what the actual root problem is" until then

idk why i'm spouting all of tis on the internet other than just needing someone else to tell me that that visit went terribly lmao

im not going back in september because nothing will come out of it, at least not with my father there or with a doctor that just doubts everything i say because i'm a minor

i'm home by the time i finish the post. i'm kind of over it. im just tired of this. i feel so stuck